Thursday, April 3, 2008

Potluck Jokes

I used to date a priest. Not a Catholic priest, an Episcopal priest. They are allowed to get married. But, they aren't allowed to do what we did!

I had to get a bunch of stuff done at the dentist lately because I have bad teeth. The office girl told me my insurance would cover it, and then after it was over, said “Oops, I was wrong. You owe us $1,000…and we need that today.” I said “you told me I was covered or I wouldn’t have had the work done.” Then she holds up a giant phone book of benefits and said “Didn’t you get one of these?” Yeah bitch. I got it. But, I didn’t read it! That’s what you are for. Isn’t that why you went to Bryman?

I love my dentist, but I hate the dental assistant. She is too rough with that damn suction. I’m like, “stop shoving that thing down my throat; I’m not your prom date bitch!” So today they put on my chart that I don’t want that assistant anymore. There are so many things on my chart.

They used to call me like 3 times to confirm every appointment. It would drive me crazy, so one day I went off on them and told them that they are only allowed to call me once per appointment. If I don’t cancel, I’ll fucking be there! So once they had to call me twice because there was a change to the appointment and the girl was like “I know you don’t like to be called more than once. It says on your chart not to call you more than once. I’m so sorry to be calling you. Please don’t be mad that I called you more than once.” I told my husband, “damn I guess they got the point; maybe the gun was a little too much.”

My husband and I are about to turn 40. We have been together since we were 20. Being the same age as him has made me realize how different men and women really are. When we were younger, he wanted to have sex constantly, and I could take it or leave it. I think I even went two years once without enjoying it at all. But, now that I am almost 40, I am a god-damn sex maniac. I am such the stereotypical woman in her late 30s. I have the sex drive of a 17 year old. No wonder I like 17 years old so much lately! I look at young boys who walk by and where I used to think “little hoodlum” now I think “I have got to get a piece of that!” I see men as sex objects only now. I don’t care about them as people at all. Now I see why the boys in high school were so obnoxious. No wonder. It’s hard to be horny all the time!

My husband is not having the same experience as he turns 40. Now, he could take sex or leave it. At the very least, he sure as hell doesn’t want to do it as much as I do. So since I have the sex drive of a 40 year old woman, and he has the sex drive of a 40 year old man, my husband has established some rules.

Chris’ rules:

1. We can only have sex once a day. (I know!)

2. We can only have sex 3 times over 4 days. (This totally breaks rule #1)

3. If you don’t initiate before 10pm, you don’t get it. (To be fair, he works 2 jobs)

I think those rules are unacceptable! Especially rule #2. I remember a time when he wanted to have sex 3 times a day, and I just gave in to shut him up. Couldn’t he just give in to shut me up? I have 3 rules, too, but mine are much more reasonable.

Bobbie’s rules:

1. No morning sex (Too bright in the room & I have bad breath)

2. I get off first. (And usually 2nd, and sometimes 3rd)

3. And, most important-No one cums in my mouth! (I established this one in college and it has served me well)

I have been monogamous for twenty years. Last time I had sex with someone other than my husband, gas was $1. Prince was on the charts. I’m pretty sure “When Doves Cry” was playing in the background. When I was single, I was a liberated woman, ok a whore. But I fucking loved every minute of it! But, when I got together with Chris, I gave all that up (except that one time before we got married when we broke up for a weekend). Do you have any idea what it’s like to be monogamous for the last twenty years when the first twenty years you were a slut? It ain’t easy! I’m still that same person that wants to fuck hitchhikers (only now very young hitchhikers), but I can’t! I think I should get some kind of extra credit over some women who never liked sex who are faithful. That doesn’t require effort! But, for a nymphomaniac to be monogamous, that takes effort!


Nick said...

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sierk said...

Last friday I had a discussion with my co-worker on the other side of my cube wall. She thought I used the word "fuck" too much (I was having a bad day) and that it was inappropriate (well fuck that anyways). I told her it was a perfectly legitimate word since it is defined in the Webster's dictionairy. She didn't believe me - well I showed her. In any case I am happy to see that there are other people out there who think that the word fuck is a perfectly good English word :)