Potuck of the Week

So this guy says to me, “Face it, men age like wine and women age like milk.” I have to admit, there is some truth to that. I have never seen a wine that could get it up either.

I finally learned how to text! I’m getting good, too. Now, I can just as quickly get pissed off at something you said in a text as over the phone or email.

So, this same guy asks me what I think about Obama’s new speech about people in the Midwest clinging to guns and religion. I said, “Well, I agree with him, but I’m sure they don’t want to hear it.” He goes, “So if you have (have?) a beautiful woman and she gains weight, can she get mad if you tell her to lay off the double-doubles?”

Well it depends. Did she ask you your fucking opinion on anything? I don’t think so. What if you have a man with a little dick? Can you tell him his dick is too small? What if he doesn’t make enough money? Can you tell his sorry ass that? Go ahead and tell “your” woman to lay off the double-doubles. Then there will be no in- and- out for you for a while. You can jack your own box. I need a man who can Supersize me. He goes, “Are we still talking about Obama?” I’m like, “Who?” I would never elect to be with a guy like that. All that conversation did was make me want a double-double.

Have you ever been so pissed off at someone you couldn’t even masturbate to them? Me, either, but it was close!

I’m so paranoid, whenever I fantasize about someone, I have to imagine where my husband is and where the kids are so I’m not getting busted in the fantasy. Then, I think, “Ok, imagine you are at his house…now... where’s his mom?” (cougar joke)