I know it’s been a while. I am too busy to put all my new jokes on here, but I’ll give you a taste of what I’ve been working on.
I am a comic, so of course, I hate myself. It has always been that way. Once, when I was a baby, they caught me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with a pacifier.
My first words were, “I can’t take it anymore.”
Even as a baby, I was hitting the bottle way too hard.
I used to write suicide notes on my Etch-a-sketch. “Goodbye cruel mommy!”
I used to play with Suicide Barbie. She came with her own bathtub and razor blades.
I have never felt like I belong. Even the day I was born, I could sense the other babies in the nursery didn’t like me.
I tried to OD on Flintstone vitamins. But, instead, I just got this really healthy immune system.
Before I got married, I was, um what do you call it? A slut! I used to fill this hole in my heart with one-night stand after really awesome one-night stand. But, now that I am older, I can look back on that and see it for what it really was- the best fucking time of my entire life!! And, I miss it!
I’ve been with the same man for so long, I would act out any fantasy he wanted. But, I secretly hope his fantasy is to watch me fuck 20-year old boys!
I have a new relationship, well a textationship. My BFF Sally said, “You need to stop texting that little boy so much.” Yeah, she’s right. By the time we hook-up, his fingers will be useless!
Flattery will no longer get you everywhere. Now you have to put out.
Don’t ever make your stalker your boyfriend. It just causes him to lose interest.
I thought stalkers just freak out when you reject them. No, they freak when you pay attention to them, too.
Someone recently said to me, “That’s my curse; I always seem to hurt women.” Uh, dude, you aren’t cursed. You are just an asshole.
When a boy in his 20s says, “I’m not like the other guys,” that just means he is too young and stupid to know he is JUST like the other guys. Yeah, you’re a unique asshole.
Here’s a good mantra you are free to use if you ever need it:
At least I didn’t blow him. At least I didn’t blow him.
Sally told me this hot friend of ours said, “I used to want to hook-up with Bobbie, but then I met her husband. And, he is so cool! I could never do that to him.” Don’t ever let your boyfriend meet your husband. He will like him more than you! And that is the ultimate cock-block!
The sex drive of a 40-year old woman is TOTALLY different from a 40-year old man. I asked my husband for sex and he said, “Can’t we do it next week?” Next week?! Why not now, tomorrow AND next week? Is it morally wrong to slip someone Viagra in their coffee without their knowledge? Just wondering.
I have always had the sex drive of a 17-year old boy-even when I was a 17-year old girl. When I say, “I’ve been around,” I mean and back.
Success and stability are boring. I finally got my shit together and it bored me. So I had to fuck it up again.
I recently went back to GA and was going to see a bunch of old friends. I was worried about it because I had planned to lose weight before and, of course, I didn’t. My husband said, “Isn’t it enough that you are like 10 times more successful than all of them?” Uh, no! I want to be 10 times more s successful AND skinny! Is that too much to ask?
We went to my in-laws’ cabin in the woods. We could not find it anywhere, so we Google-mapped it. It came back, “Did you mean bumfuck?”
By the way, it was a 3 story cabin-mansion that looked like it had been professionally decorated…by a moose!
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with an old friend and then suddenly realized, “Oh shit! They have become a Republican!?” I felt like our weekend in the woods was the Healthcare Summit. We didn’t get any further than Congress.
I have a very addictive personality. You know why I’m not hooked on crack? Cause I have never tried crack! If I did, I’d be sucking dick in the alley in 15 minutes.
Before I went into rehab (at 16), I was 5’3”. When I came out, I was 5’ 2 ½ “. That ½ inch was my spirit.
I had to go to rehab because my mama found my pot when she was cleaning my room. By ‘found,’ I mean I had 3 joints hidden in the little pantaloons of a porcelain doll on my shell. Fuck, my mama should have been a maid for the CIA.
I have figured out a way to keep your kids off drugs. Do drugs! My kids think everything I do is uncool. I have raised a couple of little straight-edge nerds I would never hang around in high school. Mission accomplished!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Spring Potluck
I am obsessed with my career. Once, I had a really bad one night stand, and I thought to myself, “Well, at least I got a good tape out of it!”
What I want to know is, who do you have to fuck in this town to make it? Jerry Seinfeld? I would totally blow Jerry! And then afterwards, we could eat some cereal.
I hate it when I perform and the person I’m with doesn’t tell me I was funny. Sometimes I will just come out and ask, “I was really funny, right?” And so often the person says, “Of course. That goes without saying.” What? No it doesn’t. Say it god damn it. Say it! A compliment never goes without saying.
Once I got off stage and this guy I was with said, “Some of your stuff was good tonight.” I’m like, “Some of it?” He goes, “Well, I’m just being honest.” Really? Cause I don’t remember asking you your fucking honest opinion on my act or anything else! The only thing I want to hear when I get off stage is, “You were awesome.” And maybe, “You are beautiful. I want to have sex with you.” Anything else, goes without saying!
I used to work at Pasadena City College. One day, a teacher came into my office and slid a Christian pamphlet across my desk and said, "The Lord wanted me to give this to you." I slid it back to her and said, "I think the Lord has me confused with someone else." She goes, “Well, I just wanted to make sure you have some information about Jesus.” I said, “There is no shortage of information out there. Tell you what, when I go home tonight, I promise to Google Jesus!”
Recently, I saw an Amber Alert on TV, and they showed all these pictures that looked like glamour shots of the child from her best day ever. Then a week or so later, they came out with the real pics of her, looking a little chubby, without makeup and her hair all messy. You know, the way she really looks. Here’s some advice for you. People, if you get kidnapped, those old headshots aren’t doing you any favors! Seriously, if I go missing, do NOT show my headshots… or they will never find me! Show them the pics I won’t let you put on Facebook. That’s who the police should be looking for.
I was actually kidnapped when I was 5 years old. I can remember right before he took me and right after I was found. But, I can’t remember anything that happened while he had me. So, I’ve decided to pretend it was all puppies and sunshine. I’m sure he just took me to the circus. I mean, why else would a drunk old man want to be alone with a 5 year old girl?
I have been crazy my whole life. Before I was old enough for real anxiety drugs, they had me on Benadryl. Seriously. Benadryl was my pre-lithium. Benadryl was my psychiatric training wheels. I’ve been crazy for so long, once they found me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with my pacifier. Now I am on medical marijuana for anxiety. I still want to kill myself, but I just keep forgetting.
Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Supersonic Hearing device? Now you can hear what your friends and neighbors are saying about you! Gee, what could go wrong there? In the commercial, these two girls are checking out another girl and say, “Look at her body. She looks great.” Yeah, that’s what people are saying about you behind your back! Right. One day we are going to see on the news a story about a girl killing her group of her friends because she heard what they were saying as she walked away.
I recently got into texting. My iPhone keep changing my words to what it thinks I am trying to type. Seriously, who texts ‘ducking’ that much? No one is texting about a duck. No one is trying to duck you! WTD?
I’m from GA. One of the things I hate about it is all the racism. But, it’s really pretty there. The South would be beautiful if you could get all the racists to hide behind the trees. Everyone duck. How pretty! (That time I really did mean duck).
I love watching the Hollywood red carpet arrivals. I don’t understand why on TV they always criticize the actress for a bad dress. She didn’t make it! Versace fucked up at the Oscars, not Reese Witherspoon!
I’ve been with my husband Chris for 20 years. The other day, I bought his dad a birthday card, and Chris called him to find out if he was going to be in GA or FL for his birthday, and to get the address to mail his card. I told Chris to write it on a piece of paper, and NOT on the envelope. So, not only does he write in on the envelope, but he gets through the entire GA address before his dad says, “but we can’t get mail here.” So, then his dad gives him the FL address, which Chris also writes on the damn envelope right above the GA address! So now there are two addresses on the envelope. So, I get some white labels and cover them up and put the FL address on the envelope and make it all look pretty again. I, then, asked Chris to put a return address and a stamp on it. What does he do? He puts the return address and the stamp upside down on the envelope, the opposite way of his dad’s address. And then I have to fix that, too!
I told that story to my single friend and she said, “Aww. Isn’t that cute?” Yeah, that was cute…in 1989! In 1999, it was charming. But, in 2009, it’s annoying as shit!!
My husband is a geek. While I was in high school partying and screwing around, he was home memorizing the names of all the Jedi.
What I want to know is, who do you have to fuck in this town to make it? Jerry Seinfeld? I would totally blow Jerry! And then afterwards, we could eat some cereal.
I hate it when I perform and the person I’m with doesn’t tell me I was funny. Sometimes I will just come out and ask, “I was really funny, right?” And so often the person says, “Of course. That goes without saying.” What? No it doesn’t. Say it god damn it. Say it! A compliment never goes without saying.
Once I got off stage and this guy I was with said, “Some of your stuff was good tonight.” I’m like, “Some of it?” He goes, “Well, I’m just being honest.” Really? Cause I don’t remember asking you your fucking honest opinion on my act or anything else! The only thing I want to hear when I get off stage is, “You were awesome.” And maybe, “You are beautiful. I want to have sex with you.” Anything else, goes without saying!
I used to work at Pasadena City College. One day, a teacher came into my office and slid a Christian pamphlet across my desk and said, "The Lord wanted me to give this to you." I slid it back to her and said, "I think the Lord has me confused with someone else." She goes, “Well, I just wanted to make sure you have some information about Jesus.” I said, “There is no shortage of information out there. Tell you what, when I go home tonight, I promise to Google Jesus!”
Recently, I saw an Amber Alert on TV, and they showed all these pictures that looked like glamour shots of the child from her best day ever. Then a week or so later, they came out with the real pics of her, looking a little chubby, without makeup and her hair all messy. You know, the way she really looks. Here’s some advice for you. People, if you get kidnapped, those old headshots aren’t doing you any favors! Seriously, if I go missing, do NOT show my headshots… or they will never find me! Show them the pics I won’t let you put on Facebook. That’s who the police should be looking for.
I was actually kidnapped when I was 5 years old. I can remember right before he took me and right after I was found. But, I can’t remember anything that happened while he had me. So, I’ve decided to pretend it was all puppies and sunshine. I’m sure he just took me to the circus. I mean, why else would a drunk old man want to be alone with a 5 year old girl?
I have been crazy my whole life. Before I was old enough for real anxiety drugs, they had me on Benadryl. Seriously. Benadryl was my pre-lithium. Benadryl was my psychiatric training wheels. I’ve been crazy for so long, once they found me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with my pacifier. Now I am on medical marijuana for anxiety. I still want to kill myself, but I just keep forgetting.
Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Supersonic Hearing device? Now you can hear what your friends and neighbors are saying about you! Gee, what could go wrong there? In the commercial, these two girls are checking out another girl and say, “Look at her body. She looks great.” Yeah, that’s what people are saying about you behind your back! Right. One day we are going to see on the news a story about a girl killing her group of her friends because she heard what they were saying as she walked away.
I recently got into texting. My iPhone keep changing my words to what it thinks I am trying to type. Seriously, who texts ‘ducking’ that much? No one is texting about a duck. No one is trying to duck you! WTD?
I’m from GA. One of the things I hate about it is all the racism. But, it’s really pretty there. The South would be beautiful if you could get all the racists to hide behind the trees. Everyone duck. How pretty! (That time I really did mean duck).
I love watching the Hollywood red carpet arrivals. I don’t understand why on TV they always criticize the actress for a bad dress. She didn’t make it! Versace fucked up at the Oscars, not Reese Witherspoon!
I’ve been with my husband Chris for 20 years. The other day, I bought his dad a birthday card, and Chris called him to find out if he was going to be in GA or FL for his birthday, and to get the address to mail his card. I told Chris to write it on a piece of paper, and NOT on the envelope. So, not only does he write in on the envelope, but he gets through the entire GA address before his dad says, “but we can’t get mail here.” So, then his dad gives him the FL address, which Chris also writes on the damn envelope right above the GA address! So now there are two addresses on the envelope. So, I get some white labels and cover them up and put the FL address on the envelope and make it all look pretty again. I, then, asked Chris to put a return address and a stamp on it. What does he do? He puts the return address and the stamp upside down on the envelope, the opposite way of his dad’s address. And then I have to fix that, too!
I told that story to my single friend and she said, “Aww. Isn’t that cute?” Yeah, that was cute…in 1989! In 1999, it was charming. But, in 2009, it’s annoying as shit!!
My husband is a geek. While I was in high school partying and screwing around, he was home memorizing the names of all the Jedi.
Monday, February 16, 2009
New Potluck
I know it’s been a long time since I posted any jokes. I’ve been writing; I just haven’t had time to get on this blog. So, here ya go. Yummy new potluck!
Michael Phelps got busted smoking a bong, and now Kellogg’s dropped him from their ad campaign. Doesn’t Kellogg’s know that their demographic is kids and pot-heads? And kids don’t have any money!
And have you seen those three dudes on the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials? You can’t tell me those freaks aren’t high!
A-Rod admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. But, he added, only with Madonna.
I heard on NPR that in Israel, two political parties are joining together to gain more power. The two parties are The Holocaust Survivor party and, wait for it, The Legalize Cannabis party! That’s right; the chosen people joined the stoned people. The ones who killed Jesus have joined the ones who killed off that pan of brownies. This brings a whole new meaning to the burning bush. Their new slogan should be: Jews for Doobs. Or maybe Heebs for Weed. High on Zion. This is a combo never before seen…except in the Beastie Boys. Ok, I’m done. I promise.
The octo-mom had 6 other kids before delivering octuplets. Three of those 6 kids (50%) were developmentally disabled. And yet, she still used the same sperm donor for all 14 kids! What was she thinking? Of course, I guess it’s obvious from her behavior that the retarded gene probably came from her side.
I like to watch that show Nancy Grace because she follows the Casey Anthony case. My husband hates it and is always complaining about it. I said, “Look, I work really hard. Sometimes I just want to sit down, relax and watch a story about a little girl getting killed! Is that too much to ask?”
There are so many murder-suicides in the news from men who lose their jobs and come home and kill their wives and themselves. I told my husband, “Oh honey. If you lose your job and you ever feel like you just want to end it all and kill yourself…can you please just leave me out of it?” Seriously, what ever happened to good old fashioned suicide?
I have an unusual problem. I have too many opportunities. I am overwhelmed with opportunities. I don’t have time to take advantage of all the opportunities that I have. So, I don’t want to hear about your idea for a show I can produce or a class I can teach or a book I should write. I’m just trying to keep the balls in the air I’m juggling now. In fact, the next damn time opportunity knocks, I’m gonna duck down behind the couch like it’s a fucking Jehovah’s Witness!
I just got on Facebook, and boy is it a mind fuck. I think it was invented by the Universe to teach me life lessons. You know how you always said you would go to your highschool reunion when you are rich enough, thin enough and successful enough? Well, now you don’t have that choice. Facebook is the highschool reunion that comes to you-whether you are ready or not.
I’m so surprised at how many people who were downright mean to me in school are all like “Oh my god, you are a successful comedian in LA! Oh my god that’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” Blah blah blah
I just want to say, “Weren’t you the one who got the whole school calling me Miss Piggy in 8th grade? Well, how you like me now mother fucker?”
I know that I should so be over all that by now. I’m 40 for god’s sake. And, I really ought to thank them. If they hadn’t made my life the same living hell at school that it was at home, I may never have run like hell out of that town and never looked back. So, thanks bullies! How’s that shitty job at the plant working out for you?
(Please note: if you were nice to me in high school, that is not directed toward you!)
On Facebook, everyone constantly updates their status to say what they are doing right now. Look, I barely give a shit about what I’m doing right now. I sure as hell don’t care what you are doing right now. Or in 15 minutes from now.
Facebook is like walking down memory lane - of one night stands. Every guy I ever, um, dated (and I say ‘dated’ but you know what I really mean) has friended me on Facebook. One guy, I had even forgotten about. I’m like “Damn it. I’ve been leaving him off the list for years!” Now where am I? One, two, three, four, five……….wait, do I have to count the girls?
I have discovered a sure-fire way to keep your kids off drugs – do drugs! Seriously, my kids think that drugs are the most uncool thing on Earth. I have raised a couple of straight-edge geeks I would never have hung out with in high school. Mission accomplished.
In the last few years, I have lost weight and gained it again. But, my stalkers have never turned their backs on me (except when I turn around to see if anyone is there). Hell, my stalkers don’t care what I weigh! They just want to kill me for me!
I get so sick of every new comic thinking they are the idiot savant of comedy. One day I got an email from this guy who said I have never performed on stage before, but I guarantee you I am one the top 5 funniest comics in LA. WTF? How insulting! That doesn’t happen in other professions. People don’t walk up to doctors and say, “Look I ain’t never been to no medical school, and I ain’t never performed no surgery, but I am the best damn doctor you ever seen! Now give me that knife thingy.”
Some guy emailed me once and said, “You need to put me in your show immediately because I am the best comic you’ve ever seen. You won’t be disappointed.” You know what? I’m already disappointed -by your email. Try not to disappoint me again.
Once a comedy student said to me, “Bobbie, I give this comedy thing two months. If I’m not famous in two months, I quit.” I said, “You should quit now. And save us all two months of listening to you bitch about it.”
Michael Phelps got busted smoking a bong, and now Kellogg’s dropped him from their ad campaign. Doesn’t Kellogg’s know that their demographic is kids and pot-heads? And kids don’t have any money!
And have you seen those three dudes on the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials? You can’t tell me those freaks aren’t high!
A-Rod admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. But, he added, only with Madonna.
I heard on NPR that in Israel, two political parties are joining together to gain more power. The two parties are The Holocaust Survivor party and, wait for it, The Legalize Cannabis party! That’s right; the chosen people joined the stoned people. The ones who killed Jesus have joined the ones who killed off that pan of brownies. This brings a whole new meaning to the burning bush. Their new slogan should be: Jews for Doobs. Or maybe Heebs for Weed. High on Zion. This is a combo never before seen…except in the Beastie Boys. Ok, I’m done. I promise.
The octo-mom had 6 other kids before delivering octuplets. Three of those 6 kids (50%) were developmentally disabled. And yet, she still used the same sperm donor for all 14 kids! What was she thinking? Of course, I guess it’s obvious from her behavior that the retarded gene probably came from her side.
I like to watch that show Nancy Grace because she follows the Casey Anthony case. My husband hates it and is always complaining about it. I said, “Look, I work really hard. Sometimes I just want to sit down, relax and watch a story about a little girl getting killed! Is that too much to ask?”
There are so many murder-suicides in the news from men who lose their jobs and come home and kill their wives and themselves. I told my husband, “Oh honey. If you lose your job and you ever feel like you just want to end it all and kill yourself…can you please just leave me out of it?” Seriously, what ever happened to good old fashioned suicide?
I have an unusual problem. I have too many opportunities. I am overwhelmed with opportunities. I don’t have time to take advantage of all the opportunities that I have. So, I don’t want to hear about your idea for a show I can produce or a class I can teach or a book I should write. I’m just trying to keep the balls in the air I’m juggling now. In fact, the next damn time opportunity knocks, I’m gonna duck down behind the couch like it’s a fucking Jehovah’s Witness!
I just got on Facebook, and boy is it a mind fuck. I think it was invented by the Universe to teach me life lessons. You know how you always said you would go to your highschool reunion when you are rich enough, thin enough and successful enough? Well, now you don’t have that choice. Facebook is the highschool reunion that comes to you-whether you are ready or not.
I’m so surprised at how many people who were downright mean to me in school are all like “Oh my god, you are a successful comedian in LA! Oh my god that’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” Blah blah blah
I just want to say, “Weren’t you the one who got the whole school calling me Miss Piggy in 8th grade? Well, how you like me now mother fucker?”
I know that I should so be over all that by now. I’m 40 for god’s sake. And, I really ought to thank them. If they hadn’t made my life the same living hell at school that it was at home, I may never have run like hell out of that town and never looked back. So, thanks bullies! How’s that shitty job at the plant working out for you?
(Please note: if you were nice to me in high school, that is not directed toward you!)
On Facebook, everyone constantly updates their status to say what they are doing right now. Look, I barely give a shit about what I’m doing right now. I sure as hell don’t care what you are doing right now. Or in 15 minutes from now.
Facebook is like walking down memory lane - of one night stands. Every guy I ever, um, dated (and I say ‘dated’ but you know what I really mean) has friended me on Facebook. One guy, I had even forgotten about. I’m like “Damn it. I’ve been leaving him off the list for years!” Now where am I? One, two, three, four, five……….wait, do I have to count the girls?
I have discovered a sure-fire way to keep your kids off drugs – do drugs! Seriously, my kids think that drugs are the most uncool thing on Earth. I have raised a couple of straight-edge geeks I would never have hung out with in high school. Mission accomplished.
In the last few years, I have lost weight and gained it again. But, my stalkers have never turned their backs on me (except when I turn around to see if anyone is there). Hell, my stalkers don’t care what I weigh! They just want to kill me for me!
I get so sick of every new comic thinking they are the idiot savant of comedy. One day I got an email from this guy who said I have never performed on stage before, but I guarantee you I am one the top 5 funniest comics in LA. WTF? How insulting! That doesn’t happen in other professions. People don’t walk up to doctors and say, “Look I ain’t never been to no medical school, and I ain’t never performed no surgery, but I am the best damn doctor you ever seen! Now give me that knife thingy.”
Some guy emailed me once and said, “You need to put me in your show immediately because I am the best comic you’ve ever seen. You won’t be disappointed.” You know what? I’m already disappointed -by your email. Try not to disappoint me again.
Once a comedy student said to me, “Bobbie, I give this comedy thing two months. If I’m not famous in two months, I quit.” I said, “You should quit now. And save us all two months of listening to you bitch about it.”
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
No Joke
Not everything can be comedy, so here is a poem.
Over worked
Over stressed
Over tired
Over cooked
Over it all
Reach out. Don't be afraid
Call out. It's ok
Help
I am drowning in my own success
My own dreams
A river of my own making
Stretched too thin
But not thin
Cause no focus is on me
Not me the person, me the product
All for what?
I grabbed the brass ring and
Sank to the bottom from the weight of it
If I let it go, I can kick my way back up
But, is there anyone left on the surface
To receive me?
Where is me? Who is me?
I am a farmer
My crop will never stop growing
I must never stop sowing
But, when is the time to reap?
When is the time to sleep?
Congratulations me
I made it! I made it
All the way away
So far away from who I long to be
Just me
Me without comedy
No joke
Over worked
Over stressed
Over tired
Over cooked
Over it all
Reach out. Don't be afraid
Call out. It's ok
Help
I am drowning in my own success
My own dreams
A river of my own making
Stretched too thin
But not thin
Cause no focus is on me
Not me the person, me the product
All for what?
I grabbed the brass ring and
Sank to the bottom from the weight of it
If I let it go, I can kick my way back up
But, is there anyone left on the surface
To receive me?
Where is me? Who is me?
I am a farmer
My crop will never stop growing
I must never stop sowing
But, when is the time to reap?
When is the time to sleep?
Congratulations me
I made it! I made it
All the way away
So far away from who I long to be
Just me
Me without comedy
No joke
Monday, December 22, 2008
New Potluck
Archaeologists recently discovered a 2,700 year old tomb in China, and when they opened it, they found 28 ounces of pot! That fat bag of pot was in the tomb for almost 3,000 years. And 15 minutes later, it was gone! The archaeologists were quoted as saying, “It was a little stemy, but the bud was kind!”
The story even described the pot as already prepared for smoking. I guess the last thing you want to do when you wake up from the dead is have to roll your own joints!
I am pot head. For years, I have been using Listerine strips to cover up the smell of pot on my breath when I go out in public. Then, I gave one to my husband the other day, and I realized that it made him smell like he’d been drinking. All this time, I have been trying to hide the fact that I’m a pot head, and all I’ve done is make people think that I’m an alcoholic. So, everyone- I’m not an alcoholic! I'm a pot head. Let’s get it straight!
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, and I have grown very dependent on him. I don’t know what I would do if he died before me. I couldn’t handle it. So, I just lead a way less healthy lifestyle than him so I die first. For example, he rides his bike to work, and I lie on the couch all day. He eats a piece of pie, and I eat two. He takes vitamins, so I smoke crack. I think I have it covered.
But, what if he did die before me? What would I do? I think I would stay in bed for 6 months, then I would fuck little boys for 6 months and then kill myself. I’m just kidding. I would fuck little boys for a year.
My husband made me watch the international break dancing competition. There were teams from countries around the world. At the end, the first AND third place went to South Korea. Japan got second, and America didn’t even place! That is just another example of Asians taking away American jobs!
Over the holidays, we watched one of my very favorites, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” with my British friend Kate. She had NEVER seen Charlie Brown before! She had no idea what was going on. It was so weird to have to catch someone up on Charlie Brown. I was like, “Ok, you see that girl Lucy? She’s a bitch. And that football kick is never going to happen.” She couldn’t understand why everyone was so mean to the bald kid. Come to think if it, me either. Poor Charlie Brown!
I was watching the CNN show Nancy Grace about the Casey Anthony case in Florida. The guest host, Jane Velez-Mitchell said, “Do you think it’s so hard for people to believe that she killed her two year old daughter because she is young and pretty? Do you think people would believe it more if she were fat?” What the fuck?? Fat people kill babies? Is that what you are trying to say? I fucking resent that you skinny bitch! What? Fat people are in a long line at McDonald’s and they are like, “Fuck this shit! I’m gonna kill me a baby!”
So, George Bush got some shoes thrown at him by a reporter in Iraq. It was awesome. Shoe #1 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked. Shoe #2 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked again. The Secret Service didn’t even move. They said, “Hell, we never said we would take a shoe for him.” The reporter might get 8 years in prison for the incident. The good news is, when he gets out, he has a multi-million dollar deal with Nike.
My mama had 5 kids before she was 28 years old. No wonder she was crazy! I can’t believe she didn’t drown one of us in the bathtub. I can assure you, if I had 5 kids at 28, there would have been at least one “mishap”. Come to think of it, maybe there used to be 6 of us.
The story even described the pot as already prepared for smoking. I guess the last thing you want to do when you wake up from the dead is have to roll your own joints!
I am pot head. For years, I have been using Listerine strips to cover up the smell of pot on my breath when I go out in public. Then, I gave one to my husband the other day, and I realized that it made him smell like he’d been drinking. All this time, I have been trying to hide the fact that I’m a pot head, and all I’ve done is make people think that I’m an alcoholic. So, everyone- I’m not an alcoholic! I'm a pot head. Let’s get it straight!
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, and I have grown very dependent on him. I don’t know what I would do if he died before me. I couldn’t handle it. So, I just lead a way less healthy lifestyle than him so I die first. For example, he rides his bike to work, and I lie on the couch all day. He eats a piece of pie, and I eat two. He takes vitamins, so I smoke crack. I think I have it covered.
But, what if he did die before me? What would I do? I think I would stay in bed for 6 months, then I would fuck little boys for 6 months and then kill myself. I’m just kidding. I would fuck little boys for a year.
My husband made me watch the international break dancing competition. There were teams from countries around the world. At the end, the first AND third place went to South Korea. Japan got second, and America didn’t even place! That is just another example of Asians taking away American jobs!
Over the holidays, we watched one of my very favorites, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” with my British friend Kate. She had NEVER seen Charlie Brown before! She had no idea what was going on. It was so weird to have to catch someone up on Charlie Brown. I was like, “Ok, you see that girl Lucy? She’s a bitch. And that football kick is never going to happen.” She couldn’t understand why everyone was so mean to the bald kid. Come to think if it, me either. Poor Charlie Brown!
I was watching the CNN show Nancy Grace about the Casey Anthony case in Florida. The guest host, Jane Velez-Mitchell said, “Do you think it’s so hard for people to believe that she killed her two year old daughter because she is young and pretty? Do you think people would believe it more if she were fat?” What the fuck?? Fat people kill babies? Is that what you are trying to say? I fucking resent that you skinny bitch! What? Fat people are in a long line at McDonald’s and they are like, “Fuck this shit! I’m gonna kill me a baby!”
So, George Bush got some shoes thrown at him by a reporter in Iraq. It was awesome. Shoe #1 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked. Shoe #2 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked again. The Secret Service didn’t even move. They said, “Hell, we never said we would take a shoe for him.” The reporter might get 8 years in prison for the incident. The good news is, when he gets out, he has a multi-million dollar deal with Nike.
My mama had 5 kids before she was 28 years old. No wonder she was crazy! I can’t believe she didn’t drown one of us in the bathtub. I can assure you, if I had 5 kids at 28, there would have been at least one “mishap”. Come to think of it, maybe there used to be 6 of us.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I Worship Comedy
I’m not a religious person. When you think about it, the only thing I really worship is comedy.
I don’t go to church; I go to comedy clubs.
I don’t recite prayers; I recite jokes.
My prophets are Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Lily Tomlin, and St. George Carlin.
In my church, we don’t pass wine. But, there is a two-drink minimum.
We don’t have wafers; we have chicken tenders.
My bible is my joke notebook. It is after all, the word of ME.
I do not have a crucifix; I have a microphone.
We do not confess, but sometimes we bomb.
In my church, Thou Shalt Kill!
We do not sing; we laugh.
I do not have a pulpit; I have a stage.
I do not crave salvation, but I’d love a little applause!
Can I get an “Amen”?
.
I don’t go to church; I go to comedy clubs.
I don’t recite prayers; I recite jokes.
My prophets are Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Lily Tomlin, and St. George Carlin.
In my church, we don’t pass wine. But, there is a two-drink minimum.
We don’t have wafers; we have chicken tenders.
My bible is my joke notebook. It is after all, the word of ME.
I do not have a crucifix; I have a microphone.
We do not confess, but sometimes we bomb.
In my church, Thou Shalt Kill!
We do not sing; we laugh.
I do not have a pulpit; I have a stage.
I do not crave salvation, but I’d love a little applause!
Can I get an “Amen”?
.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
New Potluck
Obama won! YAY!
I was walking through the campus of CSULA the day after the election. Everyone was so happy, laughing and greeting each other. Even I had a spring in my step. Then I felt a strange feeling in my stomach. It was the total absence of anxiety. And I thought to myself, “this must be what HOPE feels like.” And then someone stole my wallet.
Not everyone is happy. My daddy emailed me and said, "God help us!" He said, "These blacks are really milking it for all it’s worth." I said, "Yeah, and for two whole days now." Haven’t we white people milked it for like 400-500 years?
Obama won but so did Prop 8 banning gay marriage. I guess Americans can only handle one good idea at a time.
Prop 8 passed with the help of millions of dollars from the Mormon and Catholic Church. Are we sure it’s the Muslims that hate us for our freedom?
People said, well the bible says it’s wrong. Oh, the bible said so. Oh, sorry. Ok, let’s pass all of our laws based on the bible then.
Prop 11-No shellfish
Prop 30-Institutes stoning for adultery
Prop 800-You can’t touch a woman while she’s menstruating.
And don’t even get me started on coveting your neighbor’s wife!
You don’t want a separation of Church and State? Move to Iran.
Even Prince came out against gay marriage. You know what? Fuck you, you little purple androgynous motherfucker. You have made a fortune pretending that you suck dick. I’m taking him off my Ipod. Hey Prince, this is what it sounds like when Doves stop selling albums.
This week 104 high ranking military brass released a signed statement asking for don’t ask don’t tell to be struck down and to let gays serve openly in the military. Evidentally, the military has had to lower its standards and let in low IQs and felons so that they can kick out good gay soldiers. They are letting Lenny from Of Mice and Men serve so that can keep out Ellen.
A Christian group came out against the statement and said that the military can not handle openly gay people in their troops. The military responded, yes we can. The Christians said, No you can’t; now shut up and go take a bullet for us!
On a related note, this week saw the naming of the first female four star general. Let’s see, 1776-we declare Independence from England, 1920-women get the vote; 2008-first female 4 star general. Now that’s what I call speedy progress. Wow. Who knows where we will be in another 100 years? Maybe vice president!
I think gay marriage would be great for the failing economy. Think about it: weddings mean banquet hall rentals, florists and caterers, dresses, tuxes, rings, honeymoon trips, gifts, etc. Wow. That’s a lot of spending. In this economy I think gay marriage and the legalization of marijuana might be just what the doctor ordered. The last Depression, it took us a war to get out of it. Maybe this time we just need to get high and get gay married.
There is a new mayoral race in Jerusalem. A rabbi is running against a “secular millionaire.” An old women interviewed on NPR said she is not voting for the rabbi because she does not want Jerusalem to get too religious! Dang. That’s like saying you don’t want Africa to get too black.
I also heard on NPR that Jews are pissed cause Mormons keep baptizing victims of the Holocaust by proxy. Mormons said 'we aren’t saying your religion is wrong, we just want to make sure you don’t go to hell'. The Jews responded, we are the chosen people for Christ’s sake! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who gets annoyed when people pray for me.
I was walking through the campus of CSULA the day after the election. Everyone was so happy, laughing and greeting each other. Even I had a spring in my step. Then I felt a strange feeling in my stomach. It was the total absence of anxiety. And I thought to myself, “this must be what HOPE feels like.” And then someone stole my wallet.
Not everyone is happy. My daddy emailed me and said, "God help us!" He said, "These blacks are really milking it for all it’s worth." I said, "Yeah, and for two whole days now." Haven’t we white people milked it for like 400-500 years?
Obama won but so did Prop 8 banning gay marriage. I guess Americans can only handle one good idea at a time.
Prop 8 passed with the help of millions of dollars from the Mormon and Catholic Church. Are we sure it’s the Muslims that hate us for our freedom?
People said, well the bible says it’s wrong. Oh, the bible said so. Oh, sorry. Ok, let’s pass all of our laws based on the bible then.
Prop 11-No shellfish
Prop 30-Institutes stoning for adultery
Prop 800-You can’t touch a woman while she’s menstruating.
And don’t even get me started on coveting your neighbor’s wife!
You don’t want a separation of Church and State? Move to Iran.
Even Prince came out against gay marriage. You know what? Fuck you, you little purple androgynous motherfucker. You have made a fortune pretending that you suck dick. I’m taking him off my Ipod. Hey Prince, this is what it sounds like when Doves stop selling albums.
This week 104 high ranking military brass released a signed statement asking for don’t ask don’t tell to be struck down and to let gays serve openly in the military. Evidentally, the military has had to lower its standards and let in low IQs and felons so that they can kick out good gay soldiers. They are letting Lenny from Of Mice and Men serve so that can keep out Ellen.
A Christian group came out against the statement and said that the military can not handle openly gay people in their troops. The military responded, yes we can. The Christians said, No you can’t; now shut up and go take a bullet for us!
On a related note, this week saw the naming of the first female four star general. Let’s see, 1776-we declare Independence from England, 1920-women get the vote; 2008-first female 4 star general. Now that’s what I call speedy progress. Wow. Who knows where we will be in another 100 years? Maybe vice president!
I think gay marriage would be great for the failing economy. Think about it: weddings mean banquet hall rentals, florists and caterers, dresses, tuxes, rings, honeymoon trips, gifts, etc. Wow. That’s a lot of spending. In this economy I think gay marriage and the legalization of marijuana might be just what the doctor ordered. The last Depression, it took us a war to get out of it. Maybe this time we just need to get high and get gay married.
There is a new mayoral race in Jerusalem. A rabbi is running against a “secular millionaire.” An old women interviewed on NPR said she is not voting for the rabbi because she does not want Jerusalem to get too religious! Dang. That’s like saying you don’t want Africa to get too black.
I also heard on NPR that Jews are pissed cause Mormons keep baptizing victims of the Holocaust by proxy. Mormons said 'we aren’t saying your religion is wrong, we just want to make sure you don’t go to hell'. The Jews responded, we are the chosen people for Christ’s sake! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who gets annoyed when people pray for me.
Friday, November 7, 2008
This must be what Hope feels like
I haven’t written about Obama’s victory because I have been in a state of shock and bliss these last few days. Every time Obama won a state, Chris and I cried. When it was announced that he finally won the presidency, we wept like babies and have barely stopped. I have cried almost every time I think about it since then. The day after the election, I was walking through the Cal State LA campus after turning in my comp exam (my last chore for my Masters degree-yay!), and everyone was in such a good mood. Everywhere I looked, people were smiling, laughing and happily greeting each other. I have never seen the campus look like that before. I was feeling so optimistic (an emotion that is very unusual for me), I was almost skipping. I felt this strange feeling inside; it was like an utter lack of anxiety (which is my usual state). Suddenly, it occurred to me: this must be what hope feels like.
Growing up in a small town in Georgia, I know racism. There is a nasty poison that has been swallowed by some white people in the South-that every single thing they don’t have or any opportunity they never got was because a black person took it away from them. I’m not sure where this idea came from since every president up until now has been a white male, and Fortune 500 companies aren’t exactly lacking white faces. The Man is white, or at least he was until last Tuesday. But, many whom you would consider otherwise good people have such a dislike and distrust of black people, other people of color (although in the South there aren’t that many) and foreigners. One of the reasons I moved from Georgia to Los Angeles is because I have always felt out of place with the attitudes of the South (including my family).
When Obama won, I got an email from my daddy (who I have fought with about Obama every time I have talked to lately) and the subject line read: God help us all! He wrote “I know we need change, but a Black president-that’s going too far! You are all wrong.” I guess he means the 52 million Americans that voted for Obama. On the phone the next day he said, “I’m so damn tired of hearing about Martin Luther King. Those blacks are really milking this for all it’s worth.” Yeah. For 2 whole days, too. Um, haven’t we white people been milking it for 400-500 years?
On a sad note, I was very unhappy that Prop 8, the ban on gay marriage, passed in California. I am ashamed of my California brothers and sisters. A large number of minorities that voted for Obama (70% black and 53% Hispanic) voted for the ban. Minorities (and all women) need to recognize that this is the same discrimination that they have suffered. Discrimination is discrimination. Being gay is not a choice (and even if it were, that is no excuse for not having equal rights).
And I am sick of hearing that the Bible says being gay is wrong. It is 2008 in America. “Because the Bible says so” is no longer an acceptable reason to pass a law that affects people’s lives. You believe in the Bible. I don’t. You don’t get to pass laws about my life based on your faerie tales. If you don’t mind having no separation between church and state, move to Iran. The founding fathers were not hard-core Christians, some were even Atheists, and they did not construct a Christian nation. Freedom of religion. My religion says gay people are ok. I am always so amazed at how a godless secular heathen like me is way more loving to my fellow man than most Christians I have met. What would Jesus do? He would love everyone-the black president and gay people who want to marry the person they love.
Growing up in a small town in Georgia, I know racism. There is a nasty poison that has been swallowed by some white people in the South-that every single thing they don’t have or any opportunity they never got was because a black person took it away from them. I’m not sure where this idea came from since every president up until now has been a white male, and Fortune 500 companies aren’t exactly lacking white faces. The Man is white, or at least he was until last Tuesday. But, many whom you would consider otherwise good people have such a dislike and distrust of black people, other people of color (although in the South there aren’t that many) and foreigners. One of the reasons I moved from Georgia to Los Angeles is because I have always felt out of place with the attitudes of the South (including my family).
When Obama won, I got an email from my daddy (who I have fought with about Obama every time I have talked to lately) and the subject line read: God help us all! He wrote “I know we need change, but a Black president-that’s going too far! You are all wrong.” I guess he means the 52 million Americans that voted for Obama. On the phone the next day he said, “I’m so damn tired of hearing about Martin Luther King. Those blacks are really milking this for all it’s worth.” Yeah. For 2 whole days, too. Um, haven’t we white people been milking it for 400-500 years?
On a sad note, I was very unhappy that Prop 8, the ban on gay marriage, passed in California. I am ashamed of my California brothers and sisters. A large number of minorities that voted for Obama (70% black and 53% Hispanic) voted for the ban. Minorities (and all women) need to recognize that this is the same discrimination that they have suffered. Discrimination is discrimination. Being gay is not a choice (and even if it were, that is no excuse for not having equal rights).
And I am sick of hearing that the Bible says being gay is wrong. It is 2008 in America. “Because the Bible says so” is no longer an acceptable reason to pass a law that affects people’s lives. You believe in the Bible. I don’t. You don’t get to pass laws about my life based on your faerie tales. If you don’t mind having no separation between church and state, move to Iran. The founding fathers were not hard-core Christians, some were even Atheists, and they did not construct a Christian nation. Freedom of religion. My religion says gay people are ok. I am always so amazed at how a godless secular heathen like me is way more loving to my fellow man than most Christians I have met. What would Jesus do? He would love everyone-the black president and gay people who want to marry the person they love.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Skinny
Two years ago, I lost 100 lbs and last year, I gained 50 of it back. That’s ok, I’m an optimist. I choose to think of my ass as ½ full!
But I feel like it’s time to talk about the whole journey and tell the truth. I gained weight because being skinny was not what I thought it would be.
I have looked like this all of my life. Like most people, I hate myself. When I got skinny, I found out that I still hated myself. Only then I hated myself but I was really really hungry! And I was like, “You mean to tell me that my self-esteem has no correlation to the size of my ass?”
Being skinny was a mindfuck. I have always thought that I was street smart. But, when I got skinny it was like moving to a different street. I didn’t know any of the rules!
For one thing, everyone was nice to me. It was creepy! I couldn’t tell who the assholes were.
I’d walk into a store like Home Depot, all the male employees would come out, “Can I help you? Can I help you?” Damn. Who knew it was so easy to buy a hammer?
My male friends got all weird on me. Like I have always been very flirty. I would say things like, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” The guy would be like “Yeah, we should.” Then I got skinny and I’d say, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” They’d be like, “give me two minutes I’ll bring the car around.” No wait! I was kidding. We don’t have to consummate every joke!
Then all my guy friends started giving me the full- body hug. I didn’t even know that existed. They all were touching and squeezing and full-body hugging. It made me not want to go to open mics anymore. God I thought comedians were annoying enough.
I worked out 2 hours a day. The more I worked out, the more my guy friends got touchy/feely. I felt like I was in training for a date rape!
Suddenly everyone noticed me. It was like going from being invisible to being famous over night. One day, I’m sitting in a restaurant, writing in my joke notebook, and some guy walks up to my table. “Nice journal. Where’d you get it?” I start going “Oh, just Target or some place like that,” then I look down and see it’s just a composition book. Nice journal? I fell for nice journal? God, leave me alone! Can’t a girl sit alone in a Holiday Burger and wait for her drug dealer in peace?
This guy almost ran over me in the parking lot one day commenting on my “I heart Eagle Rock” bumper sticker. “You love Eagle Rock? I love Eagle Rock! Do you live in Eagle Rock? I live in Eagle Rock” I’m like “damn that dude really loved Eagle Rock.” My best friend Sally said “he loved what you loved. If you loved Jesus, he would’ve loved Jesus. If you loved Darwin, he would’ve loved Darwin. He didn’t heart Eagle Rock. He hearts your booty.” I found out that when a guy walks up to you, you have to shut him down immediately. Now I know why Sally is such a bitch!
People were constantly commenting on my body. “Oh my God, let me look at you. Turn around. How much do you weigh now?” I felt like I was on the auction block. I kept waiting for someone to ask to examine my teeth. I was like, “Um, could we please talk about something other than my ass?”
Also, I felt like I had switched sides and joined the enemy. People acted like I was now “in the club” and started to make fun of fat people in front on me. One day a good friend called me a skinny bitch. At first I was like “thanks!” Then I realized, oh wait, that’s bad.
I actually became even sluttier, if you can believe it. I exhausted my husband. I thought he was going to take out a restraining order to keep me 50 feet from the bed!
People acted really weird when I gained weight again. Like it was some kind of personal affront against them. I’m like, “I’m miserable, people! Give me a break! I didn’t give up cheese for this!”
I mean I even had stalkers. In fact, that part never changed. I still have stalkers. When you think about it, my stalkers were the only ones who really stuck with me though all this. So, thanks crazy guys!
But I feel like it’s time to talk about the whole journey and tell the truth. I gained weight because being skinny was not what I thought it would be.
I have looked like this all of my life. Like most people, I hate myself. When I got skinny, I found out that I still hated myself. Only then I hated myself but I was really really hungry! And I was like, “You mean to tell me that my self-esteem has no correlation to the size of my ass?”
Being skinny was a mindfuck. I have always thought that I was street smart. But, when I got skinny it was like moving to a different street. I didn’t know any of the rules!
For one thing, everyone was nice to me. It was creepy! I couldn’t tell who the assholes were.
I’d walk into a store like Home Depot, all the male employees would come out, “Can I help you? Can I help you?” Damn. Who knew it was so easy to buy a hammer?
My male friends got all weird on me. Like I have always been very flirty. I would say things like, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” The guy would be like “Yeah, we should.” Then I got skinny and I’d say, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” They’d be like, “give me two minutes I’ll bring the car around.” No wait! I was kidding. We don’t have to consummate every joke!
Then all my guy friends started giving me the full- body hug. I didn’t even know that existed. They all were touching and squeezing and full-body hugging. It made me not want to go to open mics anymore. God I thought comedians were annoying enough.
I worked out 2 hours a day. The more I worked out, the more my guy friends got touchy/feely. I felt like I was in training for a date rape!
Suddenly everyone noticed me. It was like going from being invisible to being famous over night. One day, I’m sitting in a restaurant, writing in my joke notebook, and some guy walks up to my table. “Nice journal. Where’d you get it?” I start going “Oh, just Target or some place like that,” then I look down and see it’s just a composition book. Nice journal? I fell for nice journal? God, leave me alone! Can’t a girl sit alone in a Holiday Burger and wait for her drug dealer in peace?
This guy almost ran over me in the parking lot one day commenting on my “I heart Eagle Rock” bumper sticker. “You love Eagle Rock? I love Eagle Rock! Do you live in Eagle Rock? I live in Eagle Rock” I’m like “damn that dude really loved Eagle Rock.” My best friend Sally said “he loved what you loved. If you loved Jesus, he would’ve loved Jesus. If you loved Darwin, he would’ve loved Darwin. He didn’t heart Eagle Rock. He hearts your booty.” I found out that when a guy walks up to you, you have to shut him down immediately. Now I know why Sally is such a bitch!
People were constantly commenting on my body. “Oh my God, let me look at you. Turn around. How much do you weigh now?” I felt like I was on the auction block. I kept waiting for someone to ask to examine my teeth. I was like, “Um, could we please talk about something other than my ass?”
Also, I felt like I had switched sides and joined the enemy. People acted like I was now “in the club” and started to make fun of fat people in front on me. One day a good friend called me a skinny bitch. At first I was like “thanks!” Then I realized, oh wait, that’s bad.
I actually became even sluttier, if you can believe it. I exhausted my husband. I thought he was going to take out a restraining order to keep me 50 feet from the bed!
People acted really weird when I gained weight again. Like it was some kind of personal affront against them. I’m like, “I’m miserable, people! Give me a break! I didn’t give up cheese for this!”
I mean I even had stalkers. In fact, that part never changed. I still have stalkers. When you think about it, my stalkers were the only ones who really stuck with me though all this. So, thanks crazy guys!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Help! I don’t have a penis!
I just got off the phone with Wachovia bank. I recently bought myself a VW Beetle. I was calling to confirm that Wachovia received the insurance information that they were requesting, and that I had the insurance company fax to them. To my surprise, they REFUSED to confirm if they received the information or not until my husband called them and told them they could speak to me. Here is the strange part: it’s my car, my loan! I bought it without my husband even being there!! I put him on the loan as a co-signer. I am the primary borrower. He showed up at the end to sign his name when every thing was done.
When he called Wachovia, he sternly told them that it is my car, not his. The woman at Wachovia said, “Well, you are a co-signer, so you will be responsible if she doesn’t pay.” He said, “Yes, I am the CO-signer; she is the borrower. Why am I the only one listed on the loan?” The response was, “Well, Mr. Oliver, that’s how we do it here at Wachovia.”
That’s how they do it? Based on what? I know what. My husband possesses something I will never have - a PENIS. What other reason could it be? Think this is an isolated incident? It’s not. Keep reading.
I have filed joint taxes with my husband for 17 years. I am the one who goes to H&R Block every year and has the taxes done (usually without him going at all). I take the papers to him when they are complete, and he signs his part. Recently, I noticed that H&R Block has him listed as the “taxpaper,” and I am listed as the “spouse.” WTF? I asked them why. H&R Block replied “That’s how we do it.” I asked, “Based on what?” Here are the facts: alphabetically my name comes before his, my social security number is numerically before his, I make more money than he does (primary breadwinner), and THEY HAVE NEVER EVEN MET HIM! How did they respond? “Well, he’s the husband.”
I have done everything I can in my life to be a strong, independent woman. I own my own business, have bought every car-and our freaking house in Georgia-by myself without my husband’s involvement. I handle all the bills, manage the household. I have a Master’s degree for God’s sake. But, I will never have the one thing I guess I need to be considered a “borrower” or a “taxpayer.” I am now, and may forever be, THE SPOUSE. Well, they can suck my non-existent dick!
When he called Wachovia, he sternly told them that it is my car, not his. The woman at Wachovia said, “Well, you are a co-signer, so you will be responsible if she doesn’t pay.” He said, “Yes, I am the CO-signer; she is the borrower. Why am I the only one listed on the loan?” The response was, “Well, Mr. Oliver, that’s how we do it here at Wachovia.”
That’s how they do it? Based on what? I know what. My husband possesses something I will never have - a PENIS. What other reason could it be? Think this is an isolated incident? It’s not. Keep reading.
I have filed joint taxes with my husband for 17 years. I am the one who goes to H&R Block every year and has the taxes done (usually without him going at all). I take the papers to him when they are complete, and he signs his part. Recently, I noticed that H&R Block has him listed as the “taxpaper,” and I am listed as the “spouse.” WTF? I asked them why. H&R Block replied “That’s how we do it.” I asked, “Based on what?” Here are the facts: alphabetically my name comes before his, my social security number is numerically before his, I make more money than he does (primary breadwinner), and THEY HAVE NEVER EVEN MET HIM! How did they respond? “Well, he’s the husband.”
I have done everything I can in my life to be a strong, independent woman. I own my own business, have bought every car-and our freaking house in Georgia-by myself without my husband’s involvement. I handle all the bills, manage the household. I have a Master’s degree for God’s sake. But, I will never have the one thing I guess I need to be considered a “borrower” or a “taxpayer.” I am now, and may forever be, THE SPOUSE. Well, they can suck my non-existent dick!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
What I Believe
Republican VP pick Sarah Palin has spoken. Now it’s clear that on both sides there are young, charismatic newcomers and really old experienced white guys. We’re even. But are we? Now it’s time to figure out who supports what you believe.
What I believe…
I believe in choice. A woman should have the right to decide if she wants/needs to have an abortion.
I believe in gay rights, including marriage.
I believe in science, including Evolution, stem-cell research, sex education, and photo-synthesis.
I believe that torture is wrong, no matter who does it, or what border they fall behind.
I believe in Universal Healthcare.
I believe in the separation of Church and State.
I believe that we are all one people with the same rights, even if we are considered “illegal.”
I believe that a man who was born poor, raised by a single mother, and earned his way into Harvard is not an elite. But, you can’t make a rich daddy’s boy with bad grades who gets into Yale not elite just by putting a cowboy hat on him.
I believe that taxes should be used for social services, schools, and infrastructure- not war.
I believe people should get tax breaks, not corporations.
I believe that if you don’t know how many houses you have, it’s not surprising you think the economy is fine.
I believe if you really support the troops, you will not deploy them in unjust wars.
I believe that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are not the same guy.
I believe that fundamentalist Christians are just as scary as fundamentalist Muslims.
I believe that pandering to large corporations is strangling this country.
I believe in preserving the environment.
I believe we should not give up our civil liberties out of fear. I am not afraid. “Give me liberty or give me death!”
I believe that lies are getting us nowhere.
I believe that your vote counts the same as mine. Please don’t just listen to sound bites. Do your homework. Find the candidates that support what You believe.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Sarah Palin
Attention Women:
Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton! Yes, she has a vagina. But, she wants to keep the rest of us from using ours. She is staunchly pro-life (unless you are a polar bear). She is against everything Hillary has fought for her entire life!
Sarah Palin has 5 kids, including a special-needs infant. Isn’t she busy? My mama had 5 kids and she barely had time to pee, much less run for Vice President (but, if she did, she would know what the VP does all day, unlike Palin). And, everyone I know who has 5 kids is crazy from it. I can see balancing work and family with one or two kids, but 5?
Sarah Palin is against sex-education. I can think of at least on 17-year old Alaskan high school girl who would have benefited from the condom talk: Palin’s daughter. I raised two teenagers myself, and somehow managed to have no teen pregnancies occur. I guess us Atheist heathens just have better family values.
Palin said that the US soldiers in Iraq Alaska
Palin and McCain will take away a woman's right to choose. If you can't remember or can't imagine what this country was like for women before Roe VS Wade, I suggest you watch the documentary "Lake of Fire
You know why women never had much of a place in American society until the last few decades? It's because we were having babies until we literally dropped dead. It’s kinda hard to hang out in the basement for 10 years perfecting the phonogram when you have 12 kids hanging off your tits.
Women- do not fall for that glass ceiling crap they are spouting. She will break that glass on the backs of us all.
WE WILL NOT GO BACK! I'll make a deal with you Republicans: you can keep your guns as long as you keep your laws off my body. You have the right to bear arms. I have the right not to bear a child! YOU CAN HAVE MY ABORTION WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Pot O' Jokes
I think the fact that my parents don't believe in Evolution and I do... proves it's true.
A woman I know told a reporter that is doing a story on me that I could "drink you under the table." (What kind of fucked up thing is that to say to a reporter?) I said, "Me"? "I don't drink." She was like, "That's not what I heard." I said, "Are you sure she didn't say I could smoke you under the table... or I would DO you under the table?" The more I tried to defend myself, the more I sounded like someone in denial. I wanted to shout, "I'm not an alcoholic! I swear. I'm a pothead! Get it straight, damn it."
I found out that my daddy just went on a date. Then I heard that the highest rate of STDs right now is among Seniors. Shit. Now I have to have the condom talk with my daddy? He didn't even have it with me! I just got used to talking to my kids about sex; I can't talk to my daddy. Can't I just GET an STD instead? Please!
A woman I know told a reporter that is doing a story on me that I could "drink you under the table." (What kind of fucked up thing is that to say to a reporter?) I said, "Me"? "I don't drink." She was like, "That's not what I heard." I said, "Are you sure she didn't say I could smoke you under the table... or I would DO you under the table?" The more I tried to defend myself, the more I sounded like someone in denial. I wanted to shout, "I'm not an alcoholic! I swear. I'm a pothead! Get it straight, damn it."
I found out that my daddy just went on a date. Then I heard that the highest rate of STDs right now is among Seniors. Shit. Now I have to have the condom talk with my daddy? He didn't even have it with me! I just got used to talking to my kids about sex; I can't talk to my daddy. Can't I just GET an STD instead? Please!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Tuesday's Earthquake
I was in the shower when the Earthquake hit. The whole tub started shaking (like Nature’s Jacuzzi). I was like, “Do I jump out or rinse off?” Then I thought, “I don’t care what happens, the water might turn off, and I can’t survive the aftermath with Dove bodywash in my private parts.” And I know my family. They would never give up their emergency earthquake water to get soap out of my patutie.
I couldn’t remember what to do. Do I lie down in the bath tub? No, that’s for a Tornado. Do I tape up the windows? No, that’s a Hurricane. Do I duck and cover? No, that’s for a nuclear bomb. I had no idea what to do for an Earthquake. So, I just stopped, dropped, and rolled…and played dead.
Everything was ok, but we did lose some valuables. We lost a tiki mug and my Janis Joplin doll. Which was really sad, cause I’m 40, and what does it say about my life that THOSE are my valuables?
Family Potluck
I just spent a week in
That’s why I used to get freaked out by Leave it to Beaver. Nothing bad ever happened. No one ever yelled. Wally & Beaver were always scared their dad was gonna “clobber” them, but did they EVER get hit? Not even during sweeps! I used to get beat once a week with a leather strap whether I needed it or not. My mama shot my daddy once. That’s the sitcom I want to see!
At dinner the first night, we are sitting there with Chris’ parents, grandmother, brother, his wife and two kids and suddenly Chris’ daddy goes, “oh, I have something you might want. This guy I know gave it to me and I have no use for it.” He gets up from the table, goes into his room, comes back and throws a baggie on the table in front of everyone with 3 joints in it! He goes, “you have a use for this, right?” My husband and I just sat there with our mouths open. He kept going, “you can use this right? Can you use this?” Finally I said, “yes, we can use it. Thanks!” And everyone acted completely normal. I kept waiting for Aston Kutcher to jump out and tell me I’ve been punked (or Allen Funt depending on your age). It was shitty pot, btw, but it was totally worth it!
I just found out what my family in
Monday, June 9, 2008
Obama
I’m for Obama now. I voted for Hilary, and I supported her till the end (even when it seemed like she was beating a dead horse). I really wanted her to be president, ½ because I dig her, and ½ because I really wanted to see the first woman president. I was a child when Geraldine Ferrara was on the Democratic ticket for VP, and I didn’t think I would be this old to see even a chance of it again. Maybe next time it will be me. (I did just get my Masters in Public Administration last week.)
But now it is time for Hilary supporters to rally behind Obama. It’s over people. I know a lot of you are threatening to vote for McCain, and I beg you to pull your head out of your ass, I mean reconsider. I will give you the same advice I gave my daddy just yesterday:
When you listen to Obama and McCain speak, close your eyes. Forget that Obama is black; forget he has a funny name you can’t pronounce. Forget your fears that he is a secret Muslim (I wouldn’t care if he were as long as he wasn’t a Fundamentalist. We have had 8 years of Fundamentalism in the White House and it scares the shit out of me even when it’s called Christianity). Forget McCain is an old white guy that looks like he hangs out at the Moose Lodge (trust me, he doesn’t). Just listen. Listen to what they are for and against.
Obama’s policies are a lot closer to Clinton than McCain’s. I know that McCain is not Bush, but he is drinking the Kool-Aide and it’s not the cool kind. He is pandering to the far right to get elected, and he has modified some of his past beliefs to gain their support. We don’t need another pro-war, pro-life, pro-rich, pro-pissing off the rest of the world administration. I’m sure McCain is a nice guy, and he has done a lot of reaching across the aisle in the Senate. But, I am ready to see America as it used to be: a country that doesn’t torture people, doesn’t attack other countries for no reason, one that has health care for everyone, and clean air and water. If you are a Republican, vote for McCain if you wish (but consider Obama please). If you are a Democrat, do not betray us and put another Republican in the White House. Let the rest of the world look at us and see that we really are a melting pot and that the decisions of the past 8 years don’t represent us.
Let’s end the reign of the white guy! Off to buy an Obama bumper sticker now…
But now it is time for Hilary supporters to rally behind Obama. It’s over people. I know a lot of you are threatening to vote for McCain, and I beg you to pull your head out of your ass, I mean reconsider. I will give you the same advice I gave my daddy just yesterday:
When you listen to Obama and McCain speak, close your eyes. Forget that Obama is black; forget he has a funny name you can’t pronounce. Forget your fears that he is a secret Muslim (I wouldn’t care if he were as long as he wasn’t a Fundamentalist. We have had 8 years of Fundamentalism in the White House and it scares the shit out of me even when it’s called Christianity). Forget McCain is an old white guy that looks like he hangs out at the Moose Lodge (trust me, he doesn’t). Just listen. Listen to what they are for and against.
Obama’s policies are a lot closer to Clinton than McCain’s. I know that McCain is not Bush, but he is drinking the Kool-Aide and it’s not the cool kind. He is pandering to the far right to get elected, and he has modified some of his past beliefs to gain their support. We don’t need another pro-war, pro-life, pro-rich, pro-pissing off the rest of the world administration. I’m sure McCain is a nice guy, and he has done a lot of reaching across the aisle in the Senate. But, I am ready to see America as it used to be: a country that doesn’t torture people, doesn’t attack other countries for no reason, one that has health care for everyone, and clean air and water. If you are a Republican, vote for McCain if you wish (but consider Obama please). If you are a Democrat, do not betray us and put another Republican in the White House. Let the rest of the world look at us and see that we really are a melting pot and that the decisions of the past 8 years don’t represent us.
Let’s end the reign of the white guy! Off to buy an Obama bumper sticker now…
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Potluck of the Week
I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was born with a plastic spork. And it wasn’t in my mouth!
I just turned 40. My niece called me and said “You’re over the hill!” I said, “I like it on this side of the hill. There’s lots of money and self-esteem over here.”
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I Blog, Therefore I Am
Potluck of the Week
I am about to celebrate my 20th year in comedy. My comedy career is almost old enough to drink. My comedy career is old enough to have its own comedy career. And that comedy career has had enough time to be more successful than mine.
I am the luckiest woman in the world. I am married to the one man in LA that hates sports and does not harbor a secret obsession with skinny Asian chicks. Thank God I’m somebody’s type. Gotta love a man that likes big boobies more than basketball!
This guy called me up and said, “I was just listening to Aerosmith and I thought about you.” Yeah, if you listen to Aerosmith, you are bound to think of a chick my age. No one ever said to me, “I was thinking of you when I was listening to Fallout Boy.”
I don’t let myself ever fantasize about anyone else when I am having sex with my husband. I think it’s disrespectful. Now, masturbation is a different story. That’s my time!
In 2001, our phone rang one night and the next day two teenagers were on a plane from GA to move in with us. Now we screen our calls.
I have been in a normal, stable relationship for so long that I thought I wasn’t crazy anymore. But, recently, I got a crush on a 26 year old boy and I found out that when you poke crazy with a stick, it will get up and play no matter how long it’s been asleep.
So this guy I have a crush on says to me, “I’m not a boob man. My type is tall, thin, and brunette.” Great. The anti-me! You forgot young…and male.
I’m reading Eckart Tolle’s book “A New Earth”. It’s all about being in the moment and the Power of Now. I keep trying to stay in the moment. Ok, I’m in the moment right now. Wait, now. No, now, I mean now. Now. I’m in the moment now. Damn it!
A lot of my friends’ mothers were so critical of their weight growing up that they got eating disorders. My mother didn’t give me an eating disorder. She just hated me as a whole. She took the holistic approach to child rearing.
Like all couples, when my husband and I first got married, we had to work out the kinks of living together. Consequently, one night we got in a big fight and I threw a knife at him (one of the kinks). It did not hit him! It hit our dog! It stabbed her in the back and she started yelling and bleeding. So we put her in the car and drove like crazy to the emergency animal hospital. When we got there the doctor demanded to know how it happened. Uh. Um. I said something about loading the dishwasher and the dog running past and knocking the knife out of my hand. I knew it was a bad story, but I didn’t know I would need a story! The guy was very suspicious and for a minute I thought he was going to call Dog Protective Services on me. I could see myself in jail and someone asking “What are you in for?” Uh, knifing the dog. I just wanted to yell out, “I swear to God, I was just trying to stab my husband!”
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Found Joke
I just switched over to a new joke notebook that I bought a while back. When I opened it, I found a joke I had written in it and forgot about. Yay! It's like putting on a jacket and finding money in the pocket. So, without further adieu, the "found" joke:
Recently, I went on the Sallie Mae website to get some info on my student loan. I had to create a log-in name and password, and then it asked me a series of questions that they could ask me later if I forget my password. I was expecting the question “what is your mother's maiden name” and even “what was your first pet,” but I was not prepared for “What is your biggest fear?” WTF?
First of all, I had to run down a whole list to figure out my biggest fear, hmmm….what am I afraid of: let’s see…there’s people, places, things, nouns in general really, grocery stores, Republicans, dying alone, snakes. Snakes! That’s my biggest fear. So I typed it in and then I thought. That’s a lot of information for Sallie Mae to have. They know my social security number, where I live, and now my biggest fear! Fuck, George Orwell was right. What if Sallie Mae puts a snake in my house so they can steal my identity? Oh, shit. I think I have a new biggest fear!
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