Found Joke

I just switched over to a new joke notebook that I bought a while back. When I opened it, I found a joke I had written in it and forgot about. Yay! It's like putting on a jacket and finding money in the pocket. So, without further adieu, the "found" joke:

Recently, I went on the Sallie Mae website to get some info on my student loan. I had to create a log-in name and password, and then it asked me a series of questions that they could ask me later if I forget my password. I was expecting the question “what is your mother's maiden name” and even “what was your first pet,” but I was not prepared for “What is your biggest fear?” WTF?

First of all, I had to run down a whole list to figure out my biggest fear, hmmm….what am I afraid of: let’s see…there’s people, places, things, nouns in general really, grocery stores, Republicans, dying alone, snakes. Snakes! That’s my biggest fear. So I typed it in and then I thought. That’s a lot of information for Sallie Mae to have. They know my social security number, where I live, and now my biggest fear! Fuck, George Orwell was right. What if Sallie Mae puts a snake in my house so they can steal my identity? Oh, shit. I think I have a new biggest fear!

Potuck of the Week

So this guy says to me, “Face it, men age like wine and women age like milk.” I have to admit, there is some truth to that. I have never seen a wine that could get it up either.

I finally learned how to text! I’m getting good, too. Now, I can just as quickly get pissed off at something you said in a text as over the phone or email.

So, this same guy asks me what I think about Obama’s new speech about people in the Midwest clinging to guns and religion. I said, “Well, I agree with him, but I’m sure they don’t want to hear it.” He goes, “So if you have (have?) a beautiful woman and she gains weight, can she get mad if you tell her to lay off the double-doubles?”

Well it depends. Did she ask you your fucking opinion on anything? I don’t think so. What if you have a man with a little dick? Can you tell him his dick is too small? What if he doesn’t make enough money? Can you tell his sorry ass that? Go ahead and tell “your” woman to lay off the double-doubles. Then there will be no in- and- out for you for a while. You can jack your own box. I need a man who can Supersize me. He goes, “Are we still talking about Obama?” I’m like, “Who?” I would never elect to be with a guy like that. All that conversation did was make me want a double-double.

Have you ever been so pissed off at someone you couldn’t even masturbate to them? Me, either, but it was close!

I’m so paranoid, whenever I fantasize about someone, I have to imagine where my husband is and where the kids are so I’m not getting busted in the fantasy. Then, I think, “Ok, imagine you are at his house…now... where’s his mom?” (cougar joke)

Cougaring

The cougar is back in the cage. I am done. I’m out. I give up. I’m throwing in the towel. I have officially had enough. I have had enough of the drama, the hating on old people, the “me me me” attitude. Don’t they know it’s all about me me me? I am not your mama. I’m your sugar mama. There is a difference fucker. I am not here to stroke you and never be stroked in return. It’s not enough for you to show up and look good and throw me a bone every now and then. If I were a dog, that’d be great. I’m not. You should be happy to be with a woman like me. I am the comedy guru of Pasadena! Don’t you know who I am?

Sally writes: Another said Cougar has renounced her feline status. Sally Mullins has decided that No Cunt For Young Men will be the big winner at her box office this season. After a Superbowl weekend/cougar party debacle, in which a 23 year old fell asleep with his hand on her tit and ran out her room the next morning, Mullins has decided not to prowl for men in their twenties. Other incidents included a 25 year old who repeatedly cancelled so he could take naps and a 32 year old who kept calling her "Cougar Momma" incessantly. "He was a bit long in the tooth to be making me the saber tooth tiger,' complains Mullins- who got a 34 ½ year old in the door the day after her cougar party to get the job done." I had to buy some coke, but by golly he worked his ass off." Says ex-cougar Mullins, "30 plus guys know shit like this (points to vagina) doesn't grow on trees."

Why Men Are Better Than Boys

1. They don’t call you m’am.
2. They know booty doesn’t grow on trees.
3. If you throw them a piece of ass, they will take it and be grateful.
4. They occasionally pay for at least their ½.
5. They don’t forget to text (they forget to call).
6. They don’t ignore you on myspace because they don’t even know what that is.
7. They don’t think they are going to be the next big thing; they know they’re not.
8. They newness of alcohol has worn off.
9. They don’t hate on old chicks.
10. They don’t know how to text, but they know how to put out.

Fake Boyfriends

You've heard of friends with benefits? Well, I like to have fake boyfriends with no benefits. See, I would never cheat on my husband, but I sure do like the IDEA of getting with some little cutie in his 20s (of which there are many in my comedy class). And lots of little cuties look to me to help them with their comedy career. I sure would like to take advantage of that situation!! But, alas, I can't. So, I have fake boyfriends.

What do you get as my fake boyfriend? Why, you get all of the drama of being my boyfriend, but none of the sex! What a deal! If you act now, you can get crazy late night texts in the middle of the night and jealous hissy fits if you hook up with other girls. The fake boyfriend plan does not include: sex, kissing, or blowjobs! As my fake boyfriend, you are required to compliment me and flirt with me at all times. I require a lot of attention! But, as your sugar mama, I will pay for everything, and as an added bonus, provide you with lots of stage time (this offer applies to comedians only). Call my 800 number if you wish to apply.

Potluck Jokes

I used to date a priest. Not a Catholic priest, an Episcopal priest. They are allowed to get married. But, they aren't allowed to do what we did!

I had to get a bunch of stuff done at the dentist lately because I have bad teeth. The office girl told me my insurance would cover it, and then after it was over, said “Oops, I was wrong. You owe us $1,000…and we need that today.” I said “you told me I was covered or I wouldn’t have had the work done.” Then she holds up a giant phone book of benefits and said “Didn’t you get one of these?” Yeah bitch. I got it. But, I didn’t read it! That’s what you are for. Isn’t that why you went to Bryman?

I love my dentist, but I hate the dental assistant. She is too rough with that damn suction. I’m like, “stop shoving that thing down my throat; I’m not your prom date bitch!” So today they put on my chart that I don’t want that assistant anymore. There are so many things on my chart.

They used to call me like 3 times to confirm every appointment. It would drive me crazy, so one day I went off on them and told them that they are only allowed to call me once per appointment. If I don’t cancel, I’ll fucking be there! So once they had to call me twice because there was a change to the appointment and the girl was like “I know you don’t like to be called more than once. It says on your chart not to call you more than once. I’m so sorry to be calling you. Please don’t be mad that I called you more than once.” I told my husband, “damn I guess they got the point; maybe the gun was a little too much.”

My husband and I are about to turn 40. We have been together since we were 20. Being the same age as him has made me realize how different men and women really are. When we were younger, he wanted to have sex constantly, and I could take it or leave it. I think I even went two years once without enjoying it at all. But, now that I am almost 40, I am a god-damn sex maniac. I am such the stereotypical woman in her late 30s. I have the sex drive of a 17 year old. No wonder I like 17 years old so much lately! I look at young boys who walk by and where I used to think “little hoodlum” now I think “I have got to get a piece of that!” I see men as sex objects only now. I don’t care about them as people at all. Now I see why the boys in high school were so obnoxious. No wonder. It’s hard to be horny all the time!

My husband is not having the same experience as he turns 40. Now, he could take sex or leave it. At the very least, he sure as hell doesn’t want to do it as much as I do. So since I have the sex drive of a 40 year old woman, and he has the sex drive of a 40 year old man, my husband has established some rules.

Chris’ rules:

1. We can only have sex once a day. (I know!)

2. We can only have sex 3 times over 4 days. (This totally breaks rule #1)

3. If you don’t initiate before 10pm, you don’t get it. (To be fair, he works 2 jobs)

I think those rules are unacceptable! Especially rule #2. I remember a time when he wanted to have sex 3 times a day, and I just gave in to shut him up. Couldn’t he just give in to shut me up? I have 3 rules, too, but mine are much more reasonable.

Bobbie’s rules:

1. No morning sex (Too bright in the room & I have bad breath)

2. I get off first. (And usually 2^nd, and sometimes 3^rd)

3. And, most important-No one cums in my mouth! (I established this one in college and it has served me well)

I have been monogamous for twenty years. Last time I had sex with someone other than my husband, gas was $1. Prince was on the charts. I’m pretty sure “When Doves Cry” was playing in the background. When I was single, I was a liberated woman, ok a whore. But I fucking loved every minute of it! But, when I got together with Chris, I gave all that up (except that one time before we got married when we broke up for a weekend). Do you have any idea what it’s like to be monogamous for the last twenty years when the first twenty years you were a slut? It ain’t easy! I’m still that same person that wants to fuck hitchhikers (only now very young hitchhikers), but I can’t! I think I should get some kind of extra credit over some women who never liked sex who are faithful. That doesn’t require effort! But, for a nymphomaniac to be monogamous, that takes effort!