Thursday, August 23, 2007


Inflammatory Religious Ramblings...

I have a cure for all the problems in the Middle East: Ban all religion. Karl Marx said that religion is the opium of the masses. No, religion is the Jose Cuervo of the masses! Religion is the “Hey let’s go kick the shit out of that guy” of the masses.

Except Buddhism. You never hear people say, “I went to a Buddhist high school. Thank God I got the fuck out of there! All that peace and meditation fucked me up!”

Actually, I used to think that banning religion would cure all the problems in the Middle East until we had a real bad heat wave here in California. And, I thought “No wonder they are so mad. It’s like ‘Do the Right Thing’ every day there!” After a week, I wanted to pull a Jihad on somebody’s ass. 72 virgins? Who cares? Does heaven have air conditioning? I’m hot, Allah!

There is a lot of sectarian violence going on in Iraq over who is practicing Islam the right way. It was the same way with Catholics and Protestants-who are both Christians! I can’t imagine that kind of civil war with people who are just like you. “The South Dakotans are lower than dogs! Kill them all.’ I can’t imagine being that way toward dogs much less the good people of South Dakota.

I was talking politics on stage in a club one night and this guy came up to me after and he said “I don’t believe in Global Warming.” I replied, “That’s OK. I don’t believe in Jesus.”

I don’t know why there even is a word for “Atheist”. There’s not a word for people who don’t believe in dragons or faeries.

I always forget that some Christians are prejudice against Jews. They are all alike to me. I forget because I’m an Atheist. Jews didn’t kill my God. I say, “C’mon over to Atheism. You can do whatever you want!”

People think that atheists can’t be good people. I give money to several LA food banks every Christmas (cause, you know, homeless people only need to eat during the holidays). Every year I get a card back from the missions: “Thanks for feeding the hungry through Jesus Christ.” Um, I didn’t. I did it through Bank of America.

My brother is a fundamentalist Christian minister, or as I like to call him, “Asshole,” for short. He likes to trick me into having religious arguments with him. He will send me an email:
“Dear Bobbie.
How are you? How is Chris? How are the kids? Abortion is Murder.
Love, Eddie.”

I told him one day that I was having financial problems. He said, “Don’t you worry. I’m gonna pray for you. In fact, I’m going to tell my congregation all about you on Sunday and get my entire church to pray for you.” Oh goody! C’mon. Is that really gonna help? I mean, is God up there going, “Well, I was going to make Bobbie homeless, but I had no idea she was so popular!” If there’s one thing I hate more than unsolicited advice about my act, it is unsolicited prayer. Don’t pray for me; it just pisses me off.

The Bush administration loves to play on emotion. That’s how they get the right-wing Christian fundamentalist base like my brother. Those people don’t know anything about the gross domestic product or the federal trade deficit, but they know they don’t want queers to get married!

I recently read that religious doctors are refusing certain treatments for women because of their religious beliefs. You know what? I don’t want my doctor or my anything picking and choosing which part of the job Jesus will let him do (Who Would Jesus Treat?). I’m happy for you and God, Doc, but give me my fucking RU-487 ‘cause I can assure you this ain’t the second coming!

I’ve decided I need to get a passport. You know, in case I have to jump off this sinking ship in a hurry. Or in case the Evangelical Christians start going door to door collecting our vibrators and bongs.

I was walking to my car really late one night after a show in LA. I feel this guy walking behind me, so I start walking faster. And he starts walking faster! I’m like “Oh shit. Sex pervert. Serial killer.” I’m imaging all the things he’s going to try to get me to do to him on the side of the road. So I take off running (which I don’t do very often), and he takes off running after me! He runs up to me, gets right up in my face, and says, “Excuse me. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?” I’m like, “What the…you’re not supposed to…I thought you were going to… (sigh) are you sure you don’t just want a blow job? Or to kill me? Please don’t talk to me about Jesus!”

No comments: