Whenever I was late coming home, my parents would always yell, “Oh my God! We thought someone had beat you in the head and raped you!” Really? It’s only been 20 minutes. What happened in your childhood that you go straight from zero to beat you in the head and rape you in 20 minutes?
I’m addicted to Home and Garden TV. It’s hard to be an HGTV addict when you rent. “Oh what a great paint treatment…that I can never do because I rent!” HGTV was the first major national network to truly embrace the homosexual couple. It makes sense that the first one would be the design channel. But, hey, conservatives should be happy. The free market has spoken!
I heard someone from the Bush Administration saying “We must protect the Homeland.” Is it me, or do words like ‘homeland’, ‘terror alert’, ‘Terror Czar’, all sound like something from a science fiction horror novel? Or at least the scary part of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.
When I was on the road doing comedy, I could have gotten laid every night. And not just by men. One night after a show, a stripper stuck her tongue in my ear. She asked me to go home with her and her husband. You had me until the word ‘husband’. I’ll go home with a strange woman, but my days of going home with strange men are over. Been there-done that-been treated for that!
I heard on NPR they are convening a Torture Convention. Damn, and you thought your work retreats sucked! I will never complain about doing trust exercises in the Ramada ballroom again!
Last time I had sex with someone other than my husband was 1989. Gas was $1.00. Prince was on the charts. In fact, I think “When Doves Cry” was playing in the background.
I’ve done crystal meth before. When I did it, it was called ‘crank’. That’s how you know how old you are. If you say ‘crank’, you’re old like me. If you say ‘crystal’ you’re young, and if you say ‘Ice’ you’re on it RIGHT NOW!
When I was moving to California, I was busted in Arizona for pot. It was an Indian reservation and the cop was an Indian. I’m like, “Why are you enforcing the white man’s laws on me?” His K-9 didn’t even find any of the pot except what I volunteered to give up. I don’t even think that dog was a cop. I think it was his pet dog and he decided to use him to get a quarter bag for the weekend off the first freaks that rode by in tie-dyed t-shirts. Fucking Indian faux dog cops!