I have so many jokes that never see the stage because they don’t make the cut when I have a limited amount of time or because they don’t really logically fit into my act. I call them “pot luck” jokes. So, I am going to use this blog to release some of these jokes from the closet. Hope you enjoy them!
I heard on Oprah that this woman’s husband had an affair for 10 years and she didn’t know it. There is no way my husband could orchestrate an affair for 10 years unless I helped him. I’d have to leave him little yellow sticky notes on the fridge that read, “Fuck your secretary at 2:00. Don’t forget, it’s her birthday!” My husband can’t take out the trash by himself; he ain’t having a 10 year affair!
I love A&E Biography. But, I have to warn you: if you hate a famous person, and you are pretty comfortable with the idea of hating them, don’t ever watch an A&E Biography about them. Because when it’s over, you will love them! I now love Prince Charles and Donna Summer. Do you think I’m happy about that?? They have one on Hitler; I’m not watching it! I do not want to come out of this thing pro-Hitler. I don’t want to be like, “He was abused as a child. He only had one testicle. But, still he managed to grow up and fulfill his dream of killing 9 million people. You have to give him that!”
I was watching “Jailhouse Rock” one day and I realized that he sings, “Number 47 said to number 3, you’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see…c’mon and do the jailhouse rock with me.” You’ve got to hand it to Elvis! Before that came out, you never heard a Top 40 song about anal rape.
I was stopped at a red light one day. I looked over at the Hooters restaurant beside me and they had a sign in the window that read, “We now have a children’s menu.” And I thought, “Thank God! I’m pretty sure little Billy is ready to start objectifying women, but he can’t quite finish a full plate of chicken fingers yet.”
Have you ever listened to “Love Line?” These kids call up with these problems, but they never seem to realize what their real problems are. “Hi, like, last night, I was having sex on the couch, you know, with my dad, and like we got a stain on the couch, so like, I was wondering, what can I use to get that out?” Uh, I don’t know. Therapy? Or club soda.
I heard Adam Corolla from “Love Line” once ask, “If women are so smart, how come men invented everything?” Uh, Adam, it’s called birth control. Before Margaret Sanger started smuggling diaphragms into the country in wine bottles, women were having babies until we literally dropped dead. It’s a little hard hanging out in the basement for 18 hours a day perfecting the phonograph when you have 12 kids hanging off your tits.
Last year the Center for Disease control came out and said that they have changed their position and decided that being overweight is good for you. WTF? After all these years, why? I think the CDC got paid a visit by the Fat Lobby. Some mobster in an alley going, “Listen up Mister, nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!”
Before I moved to LA, I didn’t know that movie studios screen movies to focus groups, and then change the movie based on what the idiots in the focus group said. I don’t get it. Movies are art. Make your art and put it out there! Can you imagine if other artists did this? What if Picasso ran his stuff past the villagers before he put it out? “I don’t know Picasso, shouldn’t the lady in the painting have two eyes? Shouldn’t her nose be in the middle of her face?” And everyone thinks that Monet is just too blurry.
I saw this thing on TV about animal testing. This guy named “Bob” with Parkinson’s disease was saying, “Screw the animal rights activists. If it weren’t for testing on chimpanzees, I would be sitting in a chair shaking for the rest of my life.” You know what? Maybe you are supposed to be sitting in a chair shaking for the rest of your life! Who gets to decide whose life is more valuable? I want to see an interview with the chimp’s wife. “If it wasn’t for that asshole Bob, my husband would be alive today.”
When I first moved to LA, I had to look for a job till I could get on my feet again doing comedy. They make you fill out all these questionnaires when you apply now. Some of them, you get. Like you know to check “no” to the question “are you a serial killer?” But, some of them you don’t know what they want. I actually had this question: “True or False-I own a monkey.” WTF? Where are they going with that? I mean, are they looking for someone who already has their own monkey or would owning a monkey somehow inhibit my ability to sell shoes?
There are no good magazines for women. Am I the only woman in America that doesn’t give a crap about hair and makeup tips? I’ve been wearing the same blush since high school; why do we have to talk about it every freaking month?
I was watching HBO one day and as this movie was coming on, it had symbols for language, violence, and Rape. I was so freaked out! Every scene I was like, “There’s a rape coming; there’s a rape coming. Is he gonna rape her? Is she gonna rape him? Rape rape rape rape rape!" This guy I know said, “I’m a red-blooded American man. I get turned on by rape scenes.” I said, “Me, too! Let’s watch Deliverence…or Pulp Fiction.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and I’ve never cheated. Not because I’m a good person, but because I have the kind of body that it really helps if you love me. This is not a one-night-stand ass!
I accidentally went to a swingers party. You know, the kind of party you are sure is going on in Hollywood when you are in Georgia or whatever small town you are from. I didn’t know what kind of party it was because someone told me about it. I’m pretty sure the printed invitation said something like “wife swapping”. At one point, the hostess looks at me and says, “Bobbie, get in the hot tub. No swim suits allowed!” Look, lady, I haven’t been naked in front of more than 10 people at a time since college. These days, I ain’t getting naked in front of anybody I ain’t fucking! And even then, only in 1/3s, like I’ll move the sheet off the part you’re working on.
My husband has a thing for the girl at the vet. I’m so excited about it! I haven’t had to take the animals in for months because he volunteers. I’m hoping he gets a crush on someone at all my errands. I’m working on getting the children hot female doctors and dentists. He got a postcard that instructed him to bring in a fecal sample from the cat at his next appointment. I teased him so badly, “You are never going to get any play with the vet girl after you bring in that poop!” He conveniently forgot it.
I was flipping through the channels one day and accidentally landed on that TLC show “The Operation”. They were doing a jaw operation. It was sooooo freaking gross!! They had the jaw unhinged and they were moving it all over the place. Ahhh!! I grabbed the remote and starting frantically trying to change the channel. But, it was too late. I was damaged. I couldn’t get the image of the jaw operation out of mind for weeks. When I tried to eat, when I tried to sleep, I would see it. Oh God! I just want my life back! I just want the pre-jaw ME back!!
My pet peeve is littering. I freaking HATE littering. One day this man threw down a plastic cup on the ground right in front of me and my child. I yelled, “Litterbug!” He wasn’t affected. We need a stronger social stigma for littering. I think we should start an ad campaign linking littering to Pedophilia. That would have an affect! Think about it. Instead of saying, “You threw that trash on the ground. You’re a litterbug!” You could say, “You threw that trash on the ground. You are a baby-raper!”
My husband was in the Kiss Army. In fact, he’s still a member. I tried to tell him, “Honey, the war is over!”
Only in LA is “I flaked” an excuse. Basically, that’s like saying, “Oh sorry, I didn’t give a shit.”
I like my dentist, but I hate his staff, especially the suction girl. She keeps shoving that damn vacuum cleaner down my throat. I’m not your prom date, bitch!
I keep getting myspace screwed. Whenever I produce a show, there are always people who comment everyone but me on how great it was. That’s why I can’t have 3-ways anymore. I can’t take it if the next day, the guy myspace comments the other girl, “Great 3 way last night!” And she writes back, “Yeah, you were awesome!” Hello! What about me? Wasn’t I awesome?
I think Starbucks is turning us all into a country of Prima Donnas. “Yeah, give me a non-fat, sugar free, half-caff Mexican Mayan Mocha frappaccino with an extra shot no whip and extra foam. Oh, and I’m in a hurry.” Who the fuck are you, Joan Crawford?
Now that we have kids, we are always trying to get time alone. We find ourselves sneaking around and lying to the kids. We will go out to eat and try to hide the evidence. The waiter will ask, “Do you want a take-out box?” And we scream, “No! We were never here!” Now I know why my parents used to have so many ‘errands’.
My friend loaned us her time share, and my husband and I got to go away for the weekend alone. We were so excited to be without the kids, we were having porno sex all over the condo. We lived together for over 10 years before we got the kids, we never had sex on the kitchen island. But we did it that weekend because we could! And we did it loudly!!