Monday, August 13, 2007

Politics and Such


I recently started telling political jokes in my act, which was a long time coming, considering what a political junkie I am. What I am discovering is that NO ONE FOLLOWS POLITICS BUT ME! WTF? I don’t get it. Politics are more interesting than soap operas. There are better scandals-sex, money, power, crime. Washington, D.C. is better than Knots Landing! Hell, with this administration’s oil obsession, it kinda is like Dallas. "George W. Bush as J.R. Ewing, Hilary Clinton as Alexis Carrington." It’s awesome! If only we could play “Who shot J.R.?”

In America, it’s a lot like work to keep up with what Carl Rove is doing. But, you can’t avoid knowing every detail of Paris Hilton’s ever-fascinating life. But, that’s what the people in power want. They want us to be just fat and happy enough to not care what they are doing. I propose we don’t call it “politics” anymore. I propose we call it “YOUR LIFE”. Because that’s what it is: a bunch of rich privileged (mostly white male) landowners making decisions about how you and I are allowed to live our lives. We must PAY ATTENTION. We must STANDUP.

Republicans vs. Democrats

Have you ever watched the Republicans and Democrats go at it on TV and thought to yourself, “I am the smartest goddamned person on the planet!” What is wrong with these people? They have Ivy League educations! I knew there were no weapons of mass destruction. I knew that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!! I knew that and I went to LaGrange College!

I wish the Democrats would stand up to the Republicans and get us out of this war. Ironically, if they stand up, they are seen as weak. WTF? That only makes sense in a country where your approval rating actually goes up if you shoot a guy in the face. When ever I talk politics people always say “support the troops”. I do support the troops. That’s why I’m not going to stop talking about all this stuff until they come home.

Fear & Emotion

The Bush administration has done a great job of scaring the crap out of us every chance they get. The government has always done that, but these guys are the best. When I was a kid, it was the Russians we were told to fear. “The Communists are gonna get ya!” Then it was killer bees. Did they ever come? Then there was mad cow disease, SARS, the bird flu, now the Terrorists. (Plus, I’m from the South, so I had to fear all people of color or anyone different from me at all. It’s exhausting!) I know there are terrorists out there, but I have been in a heightened state of fear for so long, I’m afraided out! I don’t know about you, but I can duck and cover no more.

The Democrats could take a page out of this book. Global Warming? That doesn’t sound very threatening. They should call it “Environmental Terror” or how about “We’re all gonna die!” This guy came up to me in a club one night after I said that on stage and he said “I don’t believe in Global Warming.” I replied, “That’s OK. I don’t believe in Jesus.”

Michael Chertoff (Homeland Security) recently came out and said that he had a hunch that we were going to be attacked this summer by the terrorists. A hunch? Should I buy more duct tape? I have a hunch that the Bush Administration is trying to terrify us all into giving up our civil liberties. I have a hunch there is more than one terrorist organization profiting off this war.

This administration also loves to play on emotion. That’s how they get the right-wing Christian fundamentalist base. Those people don’t know anything about the gross domestic product or the federal trade deficit, but they know they don’t want queers to get married.

Ann Coulter is the pinup girl for the right wing. She recently called John Edwards a “faggot”. You know you are playing to a conservative audience when that is an insult. In my social group, the word “faggot” is a term of endearment. Ann Coulter would make a terrible fag hag. She should stick to just being a hag.

Did you know that the US Military recently discharged 58 American soldiers who were Arabic translators just because they were gay? We are short Arabic translators, and they fired 58 just for being gay? It makes me wonder, how do you say in Arabic, “they hate us for our freedom?”

Axis of Evil

Remember when George Bush announced the “Axis of Evil”? Iran, North Korea, and Afghan-no-Iraq?? He went on TV and called three countries evil and millions of people in those countries went “What the fuck did he just say? Oh no he didn’t!” Remember when there were only three countries we were mad at? Those were the days!Then it became the “Quadrilateral of Chaos”, then the “Rhombus of Meanies”. Now I think we are up to the “Octagon of Evildoers.” Please, George, stop! We are running out of geometry!


The CIA just came out with the “family jewels”, documents showing their misconduct in the 70s. I don’t give a crap what they were doing in the 70s. I want to know what they are up to right now! And there were no big surprises in the documents anyway: assignation attempts on foreign leaders, spying on anti-war activists, wire-tapping American citizens, oh, wait, that is what there are up to right now!

Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney refused to hand over documents recently that show what he’s been up to. He said that the Executive Branch isn’t subject to oversight. Really? Oh, silly us with our archaic little checks and balances. I’m sure we can trust Dick!

I believe that Dick Cheney is evil. I think George Bush is dumb, but Dick Cheney is actual evil (pronounced e-viiil). He should stroke a white cat (he probably does at home when no one is around). The problem is when you have a really evil guy with his hand up the ass of a really dumb puppet with a lot of power, mayhem ensues. Dick Cheney and George Bush have blood on their hands. They should be tried as war criminals.

Misc. Scandals

This could take up an entire blog, but I have a few favorites. Bush recently commuted the jail sentence of Scooter Libby on his perjury and obstruction of justice conviction in the case involving Carl Rove outing CIA agent Valerie Plame because her husband diplomat Joe Wilson would not support the Bush Administration’s WMD claims. Bush felt the punishment was too severe. Boy is Paris Hilton pissed! She served more time for driving on a suspended license. And isn’t this the same crime, perjury and obstruction of justice, that they impeached Bill Clinton over? The difference is that Libby was covering up treason and Clinton was covering up a BJ. This country cares less and less about Watergate’s deep throat and more and more about Monica Lewinski’s.

Paul Wolfowitz, aka the architect of the Iraq war, was placed in charge of the World Bank (I know, but that’s not even the scandal). He then gives a high position to his girlfriend. WTF? Yeah, I realize that Clinton was getting a little sumin sumin, but at least he didn’t make Monica Secretary of the Interior (or spot removal).


I’m for socialized medicine or Universal healthcare or whatever you have to call it to sleep at night in your capitalist dreamland. I think people are reluctant about socialized medicine because they think the quality of care will suffer. I think rich people are just worried that they are gonna get the same kind of healthcare that the rest of us get. I don’t think things would change much on my end. I mean, I have Kaiser. How much worse could it be?

I recently read that religious doctors are refusing certain treatments for women because of their religious beliefs. You know what? I don’t want my doctor or my anything picking and choosing which part of the job Jesus will let them do (Who Would Jesus Treat?). I’m happy for you and God, doc, but give me my fucking RU-487 ‘cause I can assure you this ain’t the second coming!


When I was a kid, I was told this is a melting pot. Now all I hear about is the “immigration problem.” Everyone still thinks the streets here are paved with gold. I think America suffers from too much hype. We should start an Anti-American propaganda marketing campaign in other countries. (Ok, we kind of already have) But, we could have billboards that read: “America ain’t shit! Go to Canada; they have free healthcare!” Or we could take ½ the money we are putting into killing people and put it into the Mexican economy. Then people will quit risking their lives to come over here and clean your toilet.

Al Jazeera

I keep hearing that the Arabic television network Al Jazeera is working with Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda because they keep accepting his video tapes and playing them on the air. I guess that means that NBC was working with the Virginia Tech killer, huh? I recommend a great documentary called “The Control Room” about Al Jazeera.


Thomas Jefferson said it is our duty to hold our government accountable. He said we should have another revolution every 20 years....

"God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive. If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty."

America Was Great


We don't torture people.
You can speak your mind even if it's unpatriotic.
You cannot be arrested without due process of law.
Our government does not spy on it's own people.
We led the world in education, technology, science, environmental issues.
We are a melting pot!
Our presidents are the smartest men in the world.
We do not attack other countries unprovoked against the UN.
The supreme court was made up of people who respect the rule of law.
We had checks and balances.
You were free to have any religion, or no religion.
We had a separation of church and state.
We had a free, competent press.
The rest of the world loved us.

We were taught that Russia and other countries were "bad" because they did these things and we were the greatest country in the world. We can be great again. Vive la revolution!

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