Racism

My whole family is racist, but me. (Although, they will deny it. They need to look up racism in the dictionary.) Not long ago my father called me and very unhappily announced that my brother Ron was marrying a black girl! And now everyone’s mad at me. Like it’s my fault, for being a liberal.
My daddy said, “I bet you’re just loving this!”
I said, “I’ve never even met the girl! What’s she like?”
“What’s she like? What’s she like? She’s black!!”

She’s black? That’s what she’s like? What is that supposed to mean? Does he think she has a giant afro and she’s walking around town with a big boom box on her shoulder like Radio Rakeem? WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE LIKE?


I don’t have a lot of contact with my brother Eddie (the minister) because we are very different regarding politics, religion, well everything. But, he lives in Gulfport, Mississippi, and his house was damaged by Hurricane Katrina. So I wanted to reach out to him, and offer to help. I mean, why send money to the Red Cross when you actually know someone you could send it to?

I sent him an email and he gladly accepted and appreciated the offer of help. So, I mailed him a check. Then, a few days later, I get an email from him attaching this article from some conservative guy talking about what went wrong in New Orleans after the hurricane. It turns out that it wasn’t a lack of timely and appropriate government response to a crisis situation. Turns out, it was “the blacks”. That’s right. Let’s see if I can get it straight. It’s ‘all those lazy people who want something for nothing, always looking for a helping hand, and can’t pull themselves up by their own bootstraps’. Hmm. I wrote back, “So I guess you’ll be tearing up that check then?” Ok, I didn’t. I thought, “What would Jesus do?” So, I stopped payment on it!


I went home recently, and I had forgotten how bad the language is in Georgia. If you can get past the N-word, the double negatives will kill you! My cousin told me, “We don’t got no niggers on our street.” I said, “Oh my God. I can’t believe you said that! You are so ignorant! It’s ‘you don’t have any niggers on your street’.”


When I was home, my sister kept going on and on about the “Orientals”. It was the Orientals. The Orientals. I thought she was being attacked by a rug.
Finally, I said, “Do you mean Asians?
She said, “Well, I say Oriental.”
“Yeah, well, I say it’s 2007.”
“My Oriental friends don’t mind.”
“Clearly you don’t have any. ‘Cause it’s Asian.”
“I don’t consider my Japanese friends Asian.”
“Well, I don’t consider geography a matter of opinion. I know this is Georgia, but get a map!”


That’s why I don’t buy the “That’s how I was raised” crap. I was raised to be a racist homophobic xenophobic misogynistic Christian conservative asshole, and I turned out ok!


I watched this awesome show on PBS last night about black leaders during slavery. There was one woman named “Ma Bette” who hired a lawyer and sued her owner for freedom and won! That’s awesome! We never hear stories like that. Not even in February. The only black history figure we ever learn about is George Washington Carver, the peanut guy. You know why? Because he is non-threatening! The only dream he ever had was to make a better jelly sandwich.

I used to be the only white employee in a black comedy club in Atlanta called Uptown Comedy Corner. One night after the show, we’re all hanging out and the DJ puts on CD.
I said, “Cool. Is this A Tribe Called Quest?” My friends start tripping, “You know A Tribe Called Quest? How could a white girl know A Tribe Called Quest?” WTF? There aren’t black radio waves I can’t get. We are all one big global media now, people. Right now somewhere in Cambodia, there is a guy on a rice paddy going, “Can I kick it? Yes, you can!”

Religion

Inflammatory Religious Ramblings...

I have a cure for all the problems in the Middle East: Ban all religion. Karl Marx said that religion is the opium of the masses. No, religion is the Jose Cuervo of the masses! Religion is the “Hey let’s go kick the shit out of that guy” of the masses.

Except Buddhism. You never hear people say, “I went to a Buddhist high school. Thank God I got the fuck out of there! All that peace and meditation fucked me up!”

Actually, I used to think that banning religion would cure all the problems in the Middle East until we had a real bad heat wave here in California. And, I thought “No wonder they are so mad. It’s like ‘Do the Right Thing’ every day there!” After a week, I wanted to pull a Jihad on somebody’s ass. 72 virgins? Who cares? Does heaven have air conditioning? I’m hot, Allah!

There is a lot of sectarian violence going on in Iraq over who is practicing Islam the right way. It was the same way with Catholics and Protestants-who are both Christians! I can’t imagine that kind of civil war with people who are just like you. “The South Dakotans are lower than dogs! Kill them all.’ I can’t imagine being that way toward dogs much less the good people of South Dakota.

I was talking politics on stage in a club one night and this guy came up to me after and he said “I don’t believe in Global Warming.” I replied, “That’s OK. I don’t believe in Jesus.”

I don’t know why there even is a word for “Atheist”. There’s not a word for people who don’t believe in dragons or faeries.

I always forget that some Christians are prejudice against Jews. They are all alike to me. I forget because I’m an Atheist. Jews didn’t kill my God. I say, “C’mon over to Atheism. You can do whatever you want!”

People think that atheists can’t be good people. I give money to several LA food banks every Christmas (cause, you know, homeless people only need to eat during the holidays). Every year I get a card back from the missions: “Thanks for feeding the hungry through Jesus Christ.” Um, I didn’t. I did it through Bank of America.

My brother is a fundamentalist Christian minister, or as I like to call him, “Asshole,” for short. He likes to trick me into having religious arguments with him. He will send me an email:
“Dear Bobbie.
How are you? How is Chris? How are the kids? Abortion is Murder.
Love, Eddie.”

I told him one day that I was having financial problems. He said, “Don’t you worry. I’m gonna pray for you. In fact, I’m going to tell my congregation all about you on Sunday and get my entire church to pray for you.” Oh goody! C’mon. Is that really gonna help? I mean, is God up there going, “Well, I was going to make Bobbie homeless, but I had no idea she was so popular!” If there’s one thing I hate more than unsolicited advice about my act, it is unsolicited prayer. Don’t pray for me; it just pisses me off.

The Bush administration loves to play on emotion. That’s how they get the right-wing Christian fundamentalist base like my brother. Those people don’t know anything about the gross domestic product or the federal trade deficit, but they know they don’t want queers to get married!

I recently read that religious doctors are refusing certain treatments for women because of their religious beliefs. You know what? I don’t want my doctor or my anything picking and choosing which part of the job Jesus will let him do (Who Would Jesus Treat?). I’m happy for you and God, Doc, but give me my fucking RU-487 ‘cause I can assure you this ain’t the second coming!

I’ve decided I need to get a passport. You know, in case I have to jump off this sinking ship in a hurry. Or in case the Evangelical Christians start going door to door collecting our vibrators and bongs.

I was walking to my car really late one night after a show in LA. I feel this guy walking behind me, so I start walking faster. And he starts walking faster! I’m like “Oh shit. Sex pervert. Serial killer.” I’m imaging all the things he’s going to try to get me to do to him on the side of the road. So I take off running (which I don’t do very often), and he takes off running after me! He runs up to me, gets right up in my face, and says, “Excuse me. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?” I’m like, “What the…you’re not supposed to…I thought you were going to… (sigh) are you sure you don’t just want a blow job? Or to kill me? Please don’t talk to me about Jesus!”

Potluck III

Whenever I was late coming home, my parents would always yell, “Oh my God! We thought someone had beat you in the head and raped you!” Really? It’s only been 20 minutes. What happened in your childhood that you go straight from zero to beat you in the head and rape you in 20 minutes?


I’m addicted to Home and Garden TV. It’s hard to be an HGTV addict when you rent. “Oh what a great paint treatment…that I can never do because I rent!” HGTV was the first major national network to truly embrace the homosexual couple. It makes sense that the first one would be the design channel. But, hey, conservatives should be happy. The free market has spoken!


I heard someone from the Bush Administration saying “We must protect the Homeland.” Is it me, or do words like ‘homeland’, ‘terror alert’, ‘Terror Czar’, all sound like something from a science fiction horror novel? Or at least the scary part of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.


When I was on the road doing comedy, I could have gotten laid every night. And not just by men. One night after a show, a stripper stuck her tongue in my ear. She asked me to go home with her and her husband. You had me until the word ‘husband’. I’ll go home with a strange woman, but my days of going home with strange men are over. Been there-done that-been treated for that!


I heard on NPR they are convening a Torture Convention. Damn, and you thought your work retreats sucked! I will never complain about doing trust exercises in the Ramada ballroom again!


Last time I had sex with someone other than my husband was 1989. Gas was $1.00. Prince was on the charts. In fact, I think “When Doves Cry” was playing in the background.


I’ve done crystal meth before. When I did it, it was called ‘crank’. That’s how you know how old you are. If you say ‘crank’, you’re old like me. If you say ‘crystal’ you’re young, and if you say ‘Ice’ you’re on it RIGHT NOW!


When I was moving to California, I was busted in Arizona for pot. It was an Indian reservation and the cop was an Indian. I’m like, “Why are you enforcing the white man’s laws on me?” His K-9 didn’t even find any of the pot except what I volunteered to give up. I don’t even think that dog was a cop. I think it was his pet dog and he decided to use him to get a quarter bag for the weekend off the first freaks that rode by in tie-dyed t-shirts. Fucking Indian faux dog cops!

Potluck II

I had so much fun posting those other jokes, I thought I'd add some more.


I read an article in LA Times a few years ago about a man who had ‘acrotomophilia’, which is a sexual desire to have one of his limbs removed. The man found a doctor in Mexico (of course) who would remove a limb for his sexual satisfaction. What was that surgery like? Was he getting one arm cut off while he whacked off with the other? And let’s say it was the single greatest experience of his entire life. Now what? He can only do it up to 3 more times. Really only 2 ‘cause he has to have the free hand!


I read about these people who do body modification. Instead of getting a tattoo or a piercing, some of them are having a toe removed just to be cool. And now they are all judgmental toward the rest of us. “You with your corporate jobs, your monkey suits, your 10 toes! Capitalist pigs!”


I have lived in LA for 10 years, and I have never bought fruit from a guy on the side of the road. Why not? I give money to street people. I need fruit. Really, it’s a win- win.


Metrosexuals are fucking up my gaydar! My best friend Sally and I were out one night and these two guys kept looking at us. They were really really clean and well-kept. So, we couldn’t tell if they were gay. Fuck metrosexuality! If one of them needed a shave or to lose 20 lbs we would have known they were hitting on us!


My friend Rudy works at NASA and he asked if I wanted a tour. I said, “Sure, can I bring Kate?” He goes, “She’s British, right? I have to get more information on her first.” What is going on at NASA that I can see but Kate can’t see? Are they afraid she’s gonna stumble into the room where they faked the moonwalk? “We can fool the stupid Americans but a Brit could find us out.”


My friend’s boyfriend hired a private eye to follow her around and take pictures of her with other men. I told my husband, “I love you, but if you did that, I would divorce you.” He said, “Honey, I would never hire someone to spy on you! I would just do it myself.”


The healthcare in the California Prison system is so bad that the federal government just took it over. The man in charge of California prisons said, “Any healthcare a prisoner gets is good enough.” You hear that, Paris Hilton? You better keep your nose clean.


I’ve decided I need to get a passport. You know, in case I have to jump off this sinking ship in a hurry. Or in case the Evangelical Christians start going door to door collecting our vibrators and bongs.


My friend is dating a guy who says he’s a plushy. Then she found an animal mascot costume in his closet. That’s not a plushy; that’s a furry! I know my fetishes, and he's lying. You know your fantasy is fucked up when you pretend that it’s just jacking off into stuffed animals.


I heard on the radio that a study just came out that determined that people with kids are not as happy as people without kids. It was also found that the more kids you have, the less happy you are. This was also known as the “Duh!” report. They also determined that sex is nice.


Five minutes ago, the newscaster announced that an alligator escaped from the LA zoo, but they have not yet determined his motivation. What? Only in LA would an alligator ask, “What’s my motivation?” Turns out it was a publicity stunt on the part of the animal’s publicist because the alligator wants to be in Evan Almighty II.


I’m a loud- mouthed broad. I am a lot of bad words, a lot of labels they like to put on you to try to put you down and shut you up. I’m also a feminazi, a bleeding heart liberal, a heathen, a pinko commie, a druggie, a tree hugger, a bitch, a socialist, pro-baby killing, pro-prisoner, a dirty hippy, a slut, a troublemaker, a nigger lover, a fag hag, anti-American, anti-troops, French-loving, Al Queada sympathizer, a flag burner, a queer, a freak, a hedonist, a white trash hick, a pants-wearing, overbearing loud mouth broad. And, no, I will not keep my voice down!


I had jury duty last year. I didn’t try to get out of it because of the jokes I thought I’d get. Didn’t get a lot of jokes, but I did get a jury duty boyfriend. Hell, I was there 2 days! What else was I supposed to do? Don’t ever tell a judge you are a comedian! He became oddly fixated on that fact during the gang murder trail. He kept asking me all of these questions about my career—under oath! I had been bullshitting my new boyfriend out in the hall about how wildly successful I am. And now I couldn’t lie!

“What TV shows have you done, Juror # 9?”
“Um, just The Nashville Network, your honor.”
“Not Comedy Central? Why not?”
“I guess industry doesn’t like me, your honor.”
“You should be more animated like Dane Cook. Or get a puppet.”
“Dane Cook is whack, your honor.”
“We’d like to thank and dismiss Juror #9.”

I will not be in the case of the People vs. Homeboy, which really sucks because the defendant had a giant 46 tattooed on his face, so you know it would have been awesome!


My husband just got a vasectomy. He got special permission for me to be in the room. Lucky me! First, the doctor ripped back the sheet and said, “This will be easy. You have a nice big vas!” Did he just say my husband has a big dick? Then, the doctor kept chatting me up about comedy while he was sewing up my husband’s testicles.
“Wow! You’re a comedian. What’s that like?” Could this be less appropriate? The only thing that would be more inappropriate would be during a rape kit. “Ok, we’re going to get a vaginal swab…so, you do comedy, that’s fun! If we catch this guy, can you get me free tickets?” The urologist kept going on and on about free tickets. You’re a freaking doctor! You don’t have $10?


They finally caught the Westside rapist. Well, they are pretty sure they have the right guy because when they brought him in for questioning, he raped them.

I had to stop telling the Westside Rapist joke because it was a current event and it left the news. Then, one night I’m watching the news with my husband and the anchor man said, “We have a new rapist on the Westside.” And, I’m like, “Yes!! I can tell my joke again!” What the hell is wrong with me? I’m rooting for rapists at this point? I’m like “Keep raping on the Westside! Go rapist; go rapist!”


One of my friends is an editor at Hustler magazine. He gave me a copy because his name was in it. I thought, “I’m liberal, I can look at Hustler. I’ve seen Playboy.” Oh my God!! It is nothing like Playboy! The ads for Chicks with Dicks alone are enough to freak you out. Then my girl friend who is in the porn industry said, “I’m gonna be in the dirty Hustler this month.” There’s a dirty Hustler? What is going on in the dirty Hustler? Is it a pop up book? Is it like the Harry Potter pictures that move and we actually see the penetration?

I went on the road with this vegan comic. He didn’t eat meat or dairy or eggs or fish or sugar or white flour or food. But, he popped vitamins like crazy and ran 10 miles a day. I asked him once, “So how do you feel?” He said, “I feel pretty good.” Pretty good? Pretty good? I just had a quarter- pounder with cheese and a pack of Ho Hos; I feel pretty good, too. If I do all of that shit, I want to feel fucking GREAT!!


My vegan friend Lucy came over to my house and she brought her own food (which those people are prone to do). She had tofu shrimp. Well, not actual shrimp. She was very happy that they got the shape and texture of a shrimp down perfectly. I don’t get it. Why not just eat fruits and vegetables? Why eat veggie burgers and tofu shrimp? If vegans and vegetarians are so against eating meat, why are they pretending to eat meat? That would be like me pretending to pray.

I walked into Kaiser one day and overhead a female security guard telling a male security guard, “Oh yeah? Well, my motto is Fuck You!” Wow! That’s your motto? What the hell happened in your life? My motto is “Liquor before beer, have no fear.”


Fame is overrated. I mean think about Tori Spelling. When she was a teenager, she had a giant horse head. She should have been able to go through that shit in private. It’s one thing for the mean girl at school to call you Mr. Ed; it’s another thing for it to be on the cover of the Entertainment Weekly!


My husband and I both got copies of the new Harry Potter book, and I was about 100 pages ahead of him. I would get to a really sad part and start crying. He’d say, “What? What?” Me, crying, “I can’t tell you!” Then 100 pages later, he would yell “Not Dobby!”


One day I was looking at a box of Q-Tips and I saw that they had suggestions of how to use the Q-Tip, but not once do they mention to put them in your ears. Also, if you ask a doctor, they will tell you to never put a Q-Tip in your ear. But, have you EVER done anything else with a Q-Tip? You know that they know what you are doing with their product. There is an unwritten understanding between Johnson and Johnson and the consumer. Kind of a don’t ask don’t tell for cotton swabs.

Potluck

I have so many jokes that never see the stage because they don’t make the cut when I have a limited amount of time or because they don’t really logically fit into my act. I call them “pot luck” jokes. So, I am going to use this blog to release some of these jokes from the closet. Hope you enjoy them!


I heard on Oprah that this woman’s husband had an affair for 10 years and she didn’t know it. There is no way my husband could orchestrate an affair for 10 years unless I helped him. I’d have to leave him little yellow sticky notes on the fridge that read, “Fuck your secretary at 2:00. Don’t forget, it’s her birthday!” My husband can’t take out the trash by himself; he ain’t having a 10 year affair!

I love A&E Biography. But, I have to warn you: if you hate a famous person, and you are pretty comfortable with the idea of hating them, don’t ever watch an A&E Biography about them. Because when it’s over, you will love them! I now love Prince Charles and Donna Summer. Do you think I’m happy about that?? They have one on Hitler; I’m not watching it! I do not want to come out of this thing pro-Hitler. I don’t want to be like, “He was abused as a child. He only had one testicle. But, still he managed to grow up and fulfill his dream of killing 9 million people. You have to give him that!”

I was watching “Jailhouse Rock” one day and I realized that he sings, “Number 47 said to number 3, you’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see…c’mon and do the jailhouse rock with me.” You’ve got to hand it to Elvis! Before that came out, you never heard a Top 40 song about anal rape.

I was stopped at a red light one day. I looked over at the Hooters restaurant beside me and they had a sign in the window that read, “We now have a children’s menu.” And I thought, “Thank God! I’m pretty sure little Billy is ready to start objectifying women, but he can’t quite finish a full plate of chicken fingers yet.”

Have you ever listened to “Love Line?” These kids call up with these problems, but they never seem to realize what their real problems are. “Hi, like, last night, I was having sex on the couch, you know, with my dad, and like we got a stain on the couch, so like, I was wondering, what can I use to get that out?” Uh, I don’t know. Therapy? Or club soda.

I heard Adam Corolla from “Love Line” once ask, “If women are so smart, how come men invented everything?” Uh, Adam, it’s called birth control. Before Margaret Sanger started smuggling diaphragms into the country in wine bottles, women were having babies until we literally dropped dead. It’s a little hard hanging out in the basement for 18 hours a day perfecting the phonograph when you have 12 kids hanging off your tits.

Last year the Center for Disease control came out and said that they have changed their position and decided that being overweight is good for you. WTF? After all these years, why? I think the CDC got paid a visit by the Fat Lobby. Some mobster in an alley going, “Listen up Mister, nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!”

Before I moved to LA, I didn’t know that movie studios screen movies to focus groups, and then change the movie based on what the idiots in the focus group said. I don’t get it. Movies are art. Make your art and put it out there! Can you imagine if other artists did this? What if Picasso ran his stuff past the villagers before he put it out? “I don’t know Picasso, shouldn’t the lady in the painting have two eyes? Shouldn’t her nose be in the middle of her face?” And everyone thinks that Monet is just too blurry.

I saw this thing on TV about animal testing. This guy named “Bob” with Parkinson’s disease was saying, “Screw the animal rights activists. If it weren’t for testing on chimpanzees, I would be sitting in a chair shaking for the rest of my life.” You know what? Maybe you are supposed to be sitting in a chair shaking for the rest of your life! Who gets to decide whose life is more valuable? I want to see an interview with the chimp’s wife. “If it wasn’t for that asshole Bob, my husband would be alive today.”

When I first moved to LA, I had to look for a job till I could get on my feet again doing comedy. They make you fill out all these questionnaires when you apply now. Some of them, you get. Like you know to check “no” to the question “are you a serial killer?” But, some of them you don’t know what they want. I actually had this question: “True or False-I own a monkey.” WTF? Where are they going with that? I mean, are they looking for someone who already has their own monkey or would owning a monkey somehow inhibit my ability to sell shoes?

There are no good magazines for women. Am I the only woman in America that doesn’t give a crap about hair and makeup tips? I’ve been wearing the same blush since high school; why do we have to talk about it every freaking month?

I was watching HBO one day and as this movie was coming on, it had symbols for language, violence, and Rape. I was so freaked out! Every scene I was like, “There’s a rape coming; there’s a rape coming. Is he gonna rape her? Is she gonna rape him? Rape rape rape rape rape!" This guy I know said, “I’m a red-blooded American man. I get turned on by rape scenes.” I said, “Me, too! Let’s watch Deliverence…or Pulp Fiction.”

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and I’ve never cheated. Not because I’m a good person, but because I have the kind of body that it really helps if you love me. This is not a one-night-stand ass!

I accidentally went to a swingers party. You know, the kind of party you are sure is going on in Hollywood when you are in Georgia or whatever small town you are from. I didn’t know what kind of party it was because someone told me about it. I’m pretty sure the printed invitation said something like “wife swapping”. At one point, the hostess looks at me and says, “Bobbie, get in the hot tub. No swim suits allowed!” Look, lady, I haven’t been naked in front of more than 10 people at a time since college. These days, I ain’t getting naked in front of anybody I ain’t fucking! And even then, only in 1/3s, like I’ll move the sheet off the part you’re working on.

My husband has a thing for the girl at the vet. I’m so excited about it! I haven’t had to take the animals in for months because he volunteers. I’m hoping he gets a crush on someone at all my errands. I’m working on getting the children hot female doctors and dentists. He got a postcard that instructed him to bring in a fecal sample from the cat at his next appointment. I teased him so badly, “You are never going to get any play with the vet girl after you bring in that poop!” He conveniently forgot it.

I was flipping through the channels one day and accidentally landed on that TLC show “The Operation”. They were doing a jaw operation. It was sooooo freaking gross!! They had the jaw unhinged and they were moving it all over the place. Ahhh!! I grabbed the remote and starting frantically trying to change the channel. But, it was too late. I was damaged. I couldn’t get the image of the jaw operation out of mind for weeks. When I tried to eat, when I tried to sleep, I would see it. Oh God! I just want my life back! I just want the pre-jaw ME back!!

My pet peeve is littering. I freaking HATE littering. One day this man threw down a plastic cup on the ground right in front of me and my child. I yelled, “Litterbug!” He wasn’t affected. We need a stronger social stigma for littering. I think we should start an ad campaign linking littering to Pedophilia. That would have an affect! Think about it. Instead of saying, “You threw that trash on the ground. You’re a litterbug!” You could say, “You threw that trash on the ground. You are a baby-raper!”

My husband was in the Kiss Army. In fact, he’s still a member. I tried to tell him, “Honey, the war is over!”

Only in LA is “I flaked” an excuse. Basically, that’s like saying, “Oh sorry, I didn’t give a shit.”

I like my dentist, but I hate his staff, especially the suction girl. She keeps shoving that damn vacuum cleaner down my throat. I’m not your prom date, bitch!

I keep getting myspace screwed. Whenever I produce a show, there are always people who comment everyone but me on how great it was. That’s why I can’t have 3-ways anymore. I can’t take it if the next day, the guy myspace comments the other girl, “Great 3 way last night!” And she writes back, “Yeah, you were awesome!” Hello! What about me? Wasn’t I awesome?

I think Starbucks is turning us all into a country of Prima Donnas. “Yeah, give me a non-fat, sugar free, half-caff Mexican Mayan Mocha frappaccino with an extra shot no whip and extra foam. Oh, and I’m in a hurry.” Who the fuck are you, Joan Crawford?

Now that we have kids, we are always trying to get time alone. We find ourselves sneaking around and lying to the kids. We will go out to eat and try to hide the evidence. The waiter will ask, “Do you want a take-out box?” And we scream, “No! We were never here!” Now I know why my parents used to have so many ‘errands’.

My friend loaned us her time share, and my husband and I got to go away for the weekend alone. We were so excited to be without the kids, we were having porno sex all over the condo. We lived together for over 10 years before we got the kids, we never had sex on the kitchen island. But we did it that weekend because we could! And we did it loudly!!

Politics and Such

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The Improv Rocked!

I did 20 minutes at the Hollywood Improv tonight and it rocked! Yay!

StandUp Academy Showcases

StandUp Academy on the Cover of Pasadena Weekly!

Read the story online here.

DVD Review: Dane Cook - Vicious Circle

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DVD/CD Review: Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together

Mitch Hedberg is my 2nd favorite standup comedian of all time. The first is, of course, the great Richard Pryor. If you have never seen Mitch, you might be thinking right now, “Second after Richard? Not George Carlin or Chris Rock or Bob Newhart or Bill Cosby or Jerry Seinfeld or Lenny Bruce or Ellen DeGeneres or fill in the blank?” Nope, it’s Mitch. If you have seen or heard Mitch Hedberg, you are not asking yourself that question. You are very cool.

If you are not a Mitch fan yet, let me begin by breaking the news to you that Mitch Hedberg is dead. I had to get that out of the way before I make you fall in love with him or you would hate me at the end of this review. Mitch died in 2005 at the age of 37 of a heart attack that may or may not have had something to do with heroin. If you haven’t figured it out yet, comedians are among the most tortured people on Earth. While a comedian is usually the smartest guy in the room, you can be sure that he/she is also the most insecure and socially inadequate. Mitch was no different.

But, hey, cheer up! We’ve still got “Mitch All Together.” This is the quintessential Mitch collection. It’s what the “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack is to disco. It’s not new, but part of my goal here is to help you build a library of standup comedy, so that you spend your money where it will bring you the most enjoyment. This package contains a CD plus the DVD of Mitch’s Premium Blend spot, and, now this is the important part, both the cut and the uncut versions of his Comedy Central Special.

A comedian friend of mine once said you can make all your jokes funnier if you just say them like Mitch Hedberg. Mitch’s stoner/slacker delivery and vocal quality were perfect. His long hair hanging over those dark oversized sunglasses reminds you of either your youth or the movie “Dazed and Confused,” depending on your age. If your high school had a smoking area or you know that Cheech used to have a Chong, you totally feel me right now.

But, don’t think for one second that Mitch’s talent begins and ends with his persona. No, my friend, Mitch Hedberg was a genius. Now, I know that nowadays people like to throw words like “genius” and “Nazi” and “freedom” around like they don’t actually mean anything. But, believe me; I do not use that word lightly. I never bullshit about comedy. I take it way too seriously.


Mitch has most often been compared to Steven Wright. It is a fair comparison. Both do short jokes, lots of one-liners, and rarely do personal material. And yet, you feel like you get a sense of who they really are from their skewed views of the world. As far as style, Mitch is like a slower, stoneder Steven Wright (that’s right, stoneder; it’s poetic license). You probably didn’t think that was even possible. If Steven Wright were pot, Mitch Hedberg would be acid, and a lot of it. Sometimes, Mitch stops short, saying all that needs to be said on a subject-he’s in and out. Sometimes he takes his weird thoughts a step further, not really due to confidence in those ideas, but almost out of a compulsion to finish the thought.

Mitch does not believe in confining his jokes to fit one style. He can deliver a one-liner that would make the old Catskills comics proud and then seemingly drift into a stoner monologue a la Lenny Bruce in which he takes 5 minutes to tell one joke. The following Mitch Hedberg jokes read great on paper, but if you haven’t seen Mitch’s delivery, you are missing a big part of his genius. Do a bong hit and read these jokes out loud, really, really slowly.

• This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means…it's dirty.

• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

• I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the file cabinet...under D...for doughnut.

• I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

• I was gonna get a candy bar, and the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, and pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out man. Because they had a HH button for Christ's sakes, you need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA, BB, CCs. God God dammit dammit.

I have a lending library in my standup comedy classes in which I allow my students to check out CDs and DVDs of dozens of comedians to see different comedy styles, unless that is illegal in which case I have no idea what you are talking about. Anyway, my top two recommendations (allegedly) are the documentary “Jerry Seinfeld: Comedian” and the “Mitch All Together” collection. You can learn more about comedy from those two selections than from watching all the rest combined.

Here’s why, regarding Mitch. First of all, you get to experience Mitch in all of these different situations over a period of time. On the CD, he seems way more confident than usual. It was recorded in a comedy club in his home state of Minnesota in 2003, and he is really in his element. The Premium Blend spot from 1998 is one of his earliest TV appearances, and he looks young and energetic, albeit nervous, sans glasses. Rumor has it that Mitch suffered from terrible stage fright, which does not surprise me in the least. The Comedy Central special was filmed at The Palace in Hollywood in 1999, and it is from that set that much of the wisdom is gleaned. I recommend that you watch the DVD sets in chronological order. First, watch the Premium Blend spot. Then watch the uncut version of his Comedy Central special and, finally, the version that actually aired on Comedy Central. The difference between the two versions is significant and Mitch’s behavior in the uncut version points to his demons and can show a new comedian or an interested comedy fan how a comic’s own insecurities can be his demise.

Standup comedy is a relationship between the comic and the audience, but the comic has to be in charge. The comic cues the audience what to feel or think and how to react and when. The comic tells the story and the audience buys it or doesn’t buy it. In the uncut version of his special, Mitch goes out and immediately asks how many people in the audience actually know who he is. When only a few people clap, he basically says that this is not going to go well. The audience believes him. He tells one brilliant joke after another to a lukewarm response. He keeps pointing out that, in fact, it’s not going well, calling it the “not so-special.” He said he was getting a “what the fuck is up with this guy” vibe from the audience. At one point he sits down on the stage, frustrated.


After a while on stage, Mitch finally seems to loosen up and so does the audience. He starts to get laughs and he relaxes, then he gets even more laughs and relaxes even more. He begins to groove with the flow, and announces “Cool, y’all like me now; my special starts right now.” Everything he said after that killed. He told the audience they liked him and they believed him, so they started acting like it. He was telling the story. They were doing what they were told. By the end of the special, he was having fun and getting huge laughs.

When you watch the cut version that actually aired on Comedy Central, it’s a totally different show. Clearly, laugh tracks and editing are a comic’s best friends. When Mitch bombed, it was either pumped up or cut out. A lot of the jokes that were used in the special came after his announcement that “y’all like me now.” His frustrated collapse on the stage looks like a casual chilling by a laid back hippie comic. The editor was kind to Mitch.

But, the uncut version speaks volumes about Mitch, the person behind the persona. He was nervous, self-deprecating, vulnerable, and needy. He had reached a point in his career (having a Comedy Central special) that basically meant he was somebody and yet he clearly felt like nobody. While I see this side of comedians as often or more than the “wacky” side, I know that most lay people don’t usually get those kinds of glimpses into the pain behind the genius. I’m not trying to be all Harlequin Romance about it, but it’s an interesting dichotomy worth pointing out.

Steven Wright is not the only person Mitch Hedberg is often compared to. The other is Kurt Cobain. Whether it’s the painful inability to deal with fame, the (alleged) heroin addiction, or the need for an immediate shampoo, the two icons did have similarities. Rock stars and comedians share a similar self-destructive streak. Like Kurt, we have heard all we will ever hear out of the genius that was Mitch Hedberg. You have to wonder what else was in that head that we didn’t get to hear. But, like Andy Kaufman, Janis Joplin, Bill Hicks, and Jimmy Hendrix, he is forever young to us. Mitch said he was in a band once. He said, “People either loved us or hated us…or thought we were ok.” We loved you Mitch.

DVD Review: Eddie Murphy - Delirious

“Ice cream man! Ice cream man!” After 24 years, Delirious is finally available on DVD. Say what you will about Norbit, Eddie Murphy gets mad props as a stand-up comic. Twenty two freakin’ years old in that famous head-to-toe, unzipped to the navel, red leather jumpsuit and gold medallion on a bare (hairless) chest, Eddie Murphy rocks Washington D.C.’s packed Constitution Hall looking like Elvis in the Comeback Tour but not coming back, coming into his own. Known for Saturday Night Live, people didn’t see Eddie as a stand-up in 1983. But he’d been doing comedy since he was 15 years old, doing impressions and telling jokes in local bars in Long Island. No one expected Eddie to give a performance that night that would deliver him the crown passed down from Richard Pryor. Even Richard didn’t see it coming.

Watching Delirious again after all these years, I was transformed listening to the bits that have become such a part of the collective vernacular. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that these people were hearing these classics for the first time ever. “The ice cream man is coming; the ice cream man is coming!” Eddie dances and sings like a child, “You ain’t got no ice cream. You can’t afford it. Cause you are on the welfare. And your father is an alcoholic. ”


I was holding myself laughing at Eddie’s mama throwing her shoe at him like a boomerang. I actually started crying when the Big Footish Aunt Bunnie (goonie goo goo) fell down the stairs. “Oh Lord Jesus Christ help me Lord Jesus please…I’m halfway down…help me Lord Jesus please.” I’ve become so jaded over the years in comedy that I had forgotten what it was like to laugh so hard it literally hurt.

Eddie’s dad gets drunk and starts yelling at everyone at the family barbeque (slurring), “This is my house. I pay the bills in this mother fucker and if you don’t like it you can get the fuck out.” It was like listening to an old song from my youth that transported me back in that exact time and place. It’s like losing your virginity. I’m pretty sure I was wearing white lace fingerless gloves with one big cross earring and tri-colored hair. Everyone knows where they were when they heard Delirious for the first time. Or when Kennedy was shot, I always get those two confused.

When Eddie starts talking about the first Black president dodging bullets during his speeches, at first you think it’s hack. And then you remember, Eddie invented that bit. The same is true for the hysterical Amityville Horror bit:

“Nice house, beautiful neighborhood”.
“Get out!”
“Too bad we can’t stay.”

I’m not saying Eddie Murphy invented black people being afraid of ghosts, but it sure as hell wasn’t hack in 1983. A million comics have ripped off those bits and tons of other Eddie Murphy jokes in the last 24 years. But nobody does it like Eddie.

His impressions of Elvis, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Desi Arnez, and James Brown were spot-on and his love of and talent for singing were a humorous foreshadow to his current accolades for Dreamgirls. His big grin and now-famous laugh serve to make him so charming that his personality alone might be enough. (And might I add, red leather: not unkind to a nice ass.)

Eddie Murphy is one of my biggest influences as a comic. I was 15 years old in 1983 when Delirious came out and I was profoundly affected by it. I was so moved by Eddie’s ability to take family situations, especially unpleasant ones, and spin them into brilliantly funny stories with complex characters. This material is just as funny now as it was then. I’m reminded of what I saw initially all those years ago. When your material is personal and based on real life events that are universal, people connect with you and respond to you in a much deeper way than if you talk “at” them about airplane food and traffic.

The world has changed a lot in 24 years. Watching this performance again, I’m shocked at some of the topics. AIDS? I don’t remember AIDS being around back then. Eddie Murphy was one of the first comics to talk about it. To say that Delirious is politically incorrect is an understatement. The homophobia that starts the DVD has clearly not stood the test of time. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Ed Norton/Ralph Kramden anal sex joke as much as the next fellow. But, I felt uncomfortable listening to all the overt gay bashing and it put me in mind of a little story about a transvestite hooker. I feel like Eddie missed an opportunity in the DVD bonus interview to set it right. He looks back on Delirious with (of all people) Byron Allen and I was really hoping for, well not an apology for all the homophobia really, but a kind of disclaimer about the context of the time period. But, alas, nothing.


Not a lot of extras to speak of. The deleted scenes were funny, but you can understand why they were deleted. The interview with Byron Allen was cool. In the interview, Eddie also talks about his influences. Richard Pryor was his number one inspiration, as is obvious in his work. Like Richard, Eddie combines a personal story-telling style with rich characters and an enthralling persona in real-life colorful language. He calls Richard Pryor’s In Concert “the best stand-up performance ever captured on video.” Eddie said when people come up to him and compliment Delirious, he says, “Watch Richard’s In Concert. I’m the leaves, Richard’s the roots.” He also is a huge fan of Bill Cosby, calling him “prolific” and “brilliant”, as well as George Carlin. I would have liked Byron to ask Eddie about Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, or Martin Lawrence. It seemed an obvious way to go and I wanted to hear Eddie’s take on them and about Richard Pryor’s illness and death.

Byron asks Eddie if he will ever do stand-up again. Eddie said that every now and then he thinks about doing another special and then remembers that in order to do that he’d have to spend 3-4 nights a week in a comedy club for the next two years. Eddie said stand-up is like being on the front lines of a war. Now that he’s a General, he’s not real anxious to go back to the front lines.

Oh well. We’ll always have Delirious. The best ending was after tearing it up like a mofo in a packed theatre in front of thousands of people, 22 year old comic Eddie Murphy walks off stage, camera following, looks at his crew and says, “What club are we going to?” Any club you want, Eddie. Any club you want.

DVD Review: Roseanne Barr: Blonde and Bitchin'

Roseanne is back and so is her last name. In the interest of full disclosure, I am not only a Roseanne Barr fan, but I think it’s safe to say that she is the reason I got into standup comedy to begin with. Growing up a chubby, little trailer trash girl, I never really saw myself in the comedians of my youth until Roseanne’s first appearance on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Sure, I LOVED standup comedy, but didn’t really believe I could do it until that night. That being said, that is not a guarantee that I would like the Blonde and Bitchin’ DVD, since I also worship George Carlin and haven’t liked a damn thing he’s done in over ten years. But, I’m happy to say that Yes, I liked it.

Blonde and Bitchin’ was filmed in the Comedy Store Main Room in Hollywood, where Roseanne got her first big break. This room holds about 300 people, and I like the intimate feeling of a comedy DVD being filmed in a club versus a stadium. It’s the way comedy is supposed to be. I’ve performed in this room myself, which is irrelevant, but you have no idea how hard it is for me to write an entire review that is not all about ME.

I like Roseanne’s conversational style and the fact that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. Her first words are, “Does my fat ass make my ass look too fat?” And then she calls herself a "has been". Let’s face it; Roseanne is so rich and famous that she could take herself very seriously if she chose to. It’s been a long time since she’s lived in a trailer or been poor or unknown. And yet, she comes across with humility and vulnerability, which if you have read any of my previous writings, you know I feel is very important in standup comedy.

However, you can tell that Roseanne is used to people coming to see HER, and not just going out for comedy in general. If she were not the main attraction, she could easily lose the crowd with her lazy timing and long way around the jokes. In most comedy shows (less in comedy clubs than bars and other venues), it’s a lot like work just to get the audience to shut up, face forward, and pay attention. If you don’t grab the shit out of them with snappy timing and quick punches, they will simply go back to their conversations, pool game, or pinball machine. Especially since the picture on the pinball machine is always some big- breasted hot chick in skimpy clothing. That’s hard to compete with, believe me.


I think that the best comics not only disclose intimate parts of themselves, which Roseanne does (she tells us her weight for God’s sake which I wouldn’t tell you under sodium pentothal), but that they also use the art of standup comedy to process their lives and the world around them, as any artist would do. Roseanne covers a wide range of subjects in this hour of comedy. “This whole century blows,” she says.

She reminisces about her daughter finding her pot stash. She says, “Mommy is old enough and successful enough to have earned the right to be drunk and on drugs and a raving fucking maniac if she chooses,” and I agree! She says she is sick of her kids complaining that she was never around when they were growing up. “Can you imagine how fucked up your lives would be if I had taken an interest in them?” Regarding getting older she complains, “I’m wet where I’m supposed to be dry and dry where I’m supposed to be wet.”

She also looks at the world. “I hate the president. I hate the president. I hate the president. Is it still legal to say that? Who cares if our kids can read if our military is number one?” she asks sarcastically. “The world is our bitch and we are going to bust a cap in her ass!” Roseanne is political without necessarily talking politics, and then she comes at politics straight on. “How did they get working people to vote Republican? That’s like getting chickens to vote for Colonel Sanders.” She also addresses religion, saying that she once called Pat Robertson the anti-Christ, but then she was sued by the anti-Christ anti-defamation league.

There are a few things on Blonde and Bitchin’ that I wasn’t crazy about. At one point, she reads cards that have written on them questions that may or may not have actually been asked by the audience. Although her answers are very funny, as a standup purist I hate the use of any props and I feel that this disrupts the flow of the jokes. I would have rather seen just 45 minutes of pure standup, than an hour that contained props.


At the end, she dances around in nothing but a leotard and then sings. The first time I saw this, I flat-out hated it. But, after watching the DVD again, I understand it a little better. She says that her two biggest fears are being seen in her underwear and singing in public. I believe that a comic’s job is to face fears and personal tragedy before a crowd. In fact, I tell my comedy students to go home and write a joke about the most painful embarrassing thing that they would die if anyone in the world ever found out and then to go on stage and tell 200 people. If we can make fun of it, we can transcend it, and maybe we can help the audience face something that has been owning them, as well.

All and all, I would definitely recommend that you check out Blonde and Bitchin’. I think it is a very funny, earnest piece of quality workmanship that will remind you why we all love standup comedy to begin with. And why we all loved the Roseanne show. Roseanne is us; she is Everyman. Sure, now she’s a famous multi-millionaire that lives in a big mansion in Brentwood. But, even if it’s not true, you can somehow believe that she still cleans her own toilet. And that is comforting.

DVD Review : Tom Simmons - Stand Up Underground

I thought it was about time I reviewed a comedian you’ve never heard of. Seriously, all the shiny, famous people are cool. But, I say, ‘let’s go underground.’ Let’s find the garage band comics only the cool kids are into. Let’s help a talented unknown sell out. What do you say?

I’m picking comedian Tom Simmons because I used to work with him a lot, years ago, on the East Coast and always really dug his act. I hadn’t seen him perform standup in the 10 years since I gave up the road and moved to La La Land. So, I had no idea what to expect when I popped “Stand Up Underground” into my DVD player (or rather, my husband did; I haven’t figured out how to work that damn thing yet).

Jerry Seinfeld said that if you can’t plant two feet on a stage and talk for an hour, keeping the audience engaged and entertained with just your words, you are not a standup comedian. Tom Simmons is a standup comedian in the purest sense of that definition. There are no incredibly expensive, high-tech effects behind this DVD. There’s no editing down to just the best jokes. The cutting room floor is bare. This is hard core comic-in-love-with-the-craft-and-working-it-on-stage-for-an-hour
-in-a-real-live-club-while-no-one-is-looking comedy.

Tom Simmons isn’t exactly a nobody. With credits like Comedy Central, Showtime, and BET (I think he might set a record for most appearances by a white boy), he’s been rubbing up against comedy’s glass ceiling for a while now. Tom says, “My wife thought I was going to be a big star. She didn’t know I was going to be a comedian.” He’s seems more comfortable to stay where he is than to dumb it down, be less controversial, sell his soul to the standup devil. Although I personally tried that once and it got me nowhere. Hello! Who do you have to…never mind.

At first glance, you might think Tom is new to comedy. He’s so fresh and excited about sharing his ideas with you. His thoughts bubble out of him like your college roommate’s first acid trip when she was describing every single little thought that came to her head (ok, so I’m talking about myself, whatever). It’s almost easy to confuse his love of comedy with newness because we don’t see it very often on the old pros, who often phone it in (me again). But, oh no, Tom Simmons is no newbie. Look closer. His delivery is so smooth, so spot on. His timing, perfect. He would never take a sip of water just because he’s thirsty. Every move is calculated. Every pause savored.


It is obvious that Tom has been on the road for years. He handles the crowd at Goodnights Comedy Club in Raleigh, NC, like they were putty. He feeds them ideas they don’t agree with and they cheer him for it. They don’t even know they have been tricked. Tom has a style, I would assume he developed from years of working conservative crowds (particularly in the South, like his native Atlanta), that allows him to say the most liberal things and slip it under the radar. He will begin with a premise that is controversial (i.e. immigration, abortion, gay marriage). He will say something very conservative (the average point of view of his audience), then he will follow-up with a very liberal statement that sounds like part of the same idea! It’s a sort of joke anti-brainwashing technique that just might reverse the years of the Bush Administration’s stranglehold on dumb people. Sorry. I don’t know where that came from.

He said, “I liked George Bush when he was the Governor of Texas…” (everyone applauds) “…cause I don’t live in Texas.” “George Bush is going to rid the world of evil.” (crowd goes crazy) “A lot of people have tried to rid the world of evil in the past. Let’s see. Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi…good thing we’ve got W on the case!” He said that in North Carolina. He could have been Dixie-Chicked!

He manages to get rednecks to listen to his thoughts on the war between Israel and Palestine and not one Pabst Blue Ribbon is hurled onto the stage. As a former road comic in the South, I can tell you, he ought to win the God-damned Nobel Peace Price for that. Jimmy Carter ain’t got nothing on Tom Simmons! He says when he is losing a fight with his wife, he simply tells her, “I’m sorry. I don’t recognize your right to exist.”

Not all of Tom’s material is political. That’s how he gets you. Before he ever says one word about gay marriage and abortion, he’s already won you over with those boy-next-door good looks, subtle Southern accent, and charming stories about his beautiful wife and brand new baby with all the insight and intelligence and plain ole gut-busting punch lines that he later smacks around George Bush with. He’s the common man (you know, if the common man were hot). He has a Brian Regan quality to him (you know, if Brian Regan said f@#% every now and then). He talks about losing money whenever he performs in Vegas. “They have $100 slot machines in Vegas. If you are playing $100 slots, f@#% you! You already won. You’re just rubbing it in.”

Tom eases in and out of different material as if it were the same subject. He can go from talking about fatherhood and living in an RV on the road with his family to pop tarts without any awkwardness at all. “Saw on the pop tarts box that they have a website, poptarts.com...if you are going to the pop tarts chat room, you have outlived your usefulness as a human being and we should start harvesting your organs. Hand over your pancreas. We need to rebuild Stephen Hawking.” He said he saw a commercial when he was high that said, “If you buy drugs, you support terrorism.” He said, “Then legalize them, and I’ll support healthcare and education!” Tom talks about his new baby. He said he went to Iraq to do comedy so he could get some sleep. “The reason why they are so cute is so you don’t throw them in a dumpster at three in the morning.”


This DVD also contains cutaways to radio interviews, to Tom in candid moments, and begins with a little sketch by Tom. You can tell by watching this that there is no “on” for Tom Simmons. He’s not like comics like Robin Williams who are the same all the time because they are never “off.” Tom is just Tom. He is exactly the same on stage as he is on the radio or talking to his friends. I also listened to his CD “Stages” and there is an open mic track where Tom is trying out some of these jokes for the first time. They sound exactly the same as the final product. What you see is what you get.

That CD has a lot of the same content as the “Stand Up Underground” DVD, but does have a few additional choice jokes that I think make it worth it to pick up both (namely, Satanic Bible, Star Registry, and Pet Psychics plus the Open Mic bonus). You can hear some of his jokes on You Tube. In fact, I was cruising Tom’s website earlier, www.tomsimmons.net, to find out how to buy this DVD (it’s on the site), and he seemed to have a good selection of things to watch, read, and purchase. So, go to Tom’s site and pick up his DVD and/or one of his CDs. When he comes to your town (and he will), go see him. Then, when he blows up you can say you liked him when he was cool.