Saturday, April 18, 2009

Spring Potluck

I am obsessed with my career. Once, I had a really bad one night stand, and I thought to myself, “Well, at least I got a good tape out of it!”

What I want to know is, who do you have to fuck in this town to make it? Jerry Seinfeld? I would totally blow Jerry! And then afterwards, we could eat some cereal.

I hate it when I perform and the person I’m with doesn’t tell me I was funny. Sometimes I will just come out and ask, “I was really funny, right?” And so often the person says, “Of course. That goes without saying.” What? No it doesn’t. Say it god damn it. Say it! A compliment never goes without saying.

Once I got off stage and this guy I was with said, “Some of your stuff was good tonight.” I’m like, “Some of it?” He goes, “Well, I’m just being honest.” Really? Cause I don’t remember asking you your fucking honest opinion on my act or anything else! The only thing I want to hear when I get off stage is, “You were awesome.” And maybe, “You are beautiful. I want to have sex with you.” Anything else, goes without saying!

I used to work at Pasadena City College. One day, a teacher came into my office and slid a Christian pamphlet across my desk and said, "The Lord wanted me to give this to you." I slid it back to her and said, "I think the Lord has me confused with someone else." She goes, “Well, I just wanted to make sure you have some information about Jesus.” I said, “There is no shortage of information out there. Tell you what, when I go home tonight, I promise to Google Jesus!”

Recently, I saw an Amber Alert on TV, and they showed all these pictures that looked like glamour shots of the child from her best day ever. Then a week or so later, they came out with the real pics of her, looking a little chubby, without makeup and her hair all messy. You know, the way she really looks. Here’s some advice for you. People, if you get kidnapped, those old headshots aren’t doing you any favors! Seriously, if I go missing, do NOT show my headshots… or they will never find me! Show them the pics I won’t let you put on Facebook. That’s who the police should be looking for.

I was actually kidnapped when I was 5 years old. I can remember right before he took me and right after I was found. But, I can’t remember anything that happened while he had me. So, I’ve decided to pretend it was all puppies and sunshine. I’m sure he just took me to the circus. I mean, why else would a drunk old man want to be alone with a 5 year old girl?

I have been crazy my whole life. Before I was old enough for real anxiety drugs, they had me on Benadryl. Seriously. Benadryl was my pre-lithium. Benadryl was my psychiatric training wheels. I’ve been crazy for so long, once they found me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with my pacifier. Now I am on medical marijuana for anxiety. I still want to kill myself, but I just keep forgetting.

Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Supersonic Hearing device? Now you can hear what your friends and neighbors are saying about you! Gee, what could go wrong there? In the commercial, these two girls are checking out another girl and say, “Look at her body. She looks great.” Yeah, that’s what people are saying about you behind your back! Right. One day we are going to see on the news a story about a girl killing her group of her friends because she heard what they were saying as she walked away.

I recently got into texting. My iPhone keep changing my words to what it thinks I am trying to type. Seriously, who texts ‘ducking’ that much? No one is texting about a duck. No one is trying to duck you! WTD?

I’m from GA. One of the things I hate about it is all the racism. But, it’s really pretty there. The South would be beautiful if you could get all the racists to hide behind the trees. Everyone duck. How pretty! (That time I really did mean duck).

I love watching the Hollywood red carpet arrivals. I don’t understand why on TV they always criticize the actress for a bad dress. She didn’t make it! Versace fucked up at the Oscars, not Reese Witherspoon!

I’ve been with my husband Chris for 20 years. The other day, I bought his dad a birthday card, and Chris called him to find out if he was going to be in GA or FL for his birthday, and to get the address to mail his card. I told Chris to write it on a piece of paper, and NOT on the envelope. So, not only does he write in on the envelope, but he gets through the entire GA address before his dad says, “but we can’t get mail here.” So, then his dad gives him the FL address, which Chris also writes on the damn envelope right above the GA address! So now there are two addresses on the envelope. So, I get some white labels and cover them up and put the FL address on the envelope and make it all look pretty again. I, then, asked Chris to put a return address and a stamp on it. What does he do? He puts the return address and the stamp upside down on the envelope, the opposite way of his dad’s address. And then I have to fix that, too!

I told that story to my single friend and she said, “Aww. Isn’t that cute?” Yeah, that was cute…in 1989! In 1999, it was charming. But, in 2009, it’s annoying as shit!!

My husband is a geek. While I was in high school partying and screwing around, he was home memorizing the names of all the Jedi.

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