I know it’s been a while. I am too busy to put all my new jokes on here, but I’ll give you a taste of what I’ve been working on.
I am a comic, so of course, I hate myself. It has always been that way. Once, when I was a baby, they caught me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with a pacifier.
My first words were, “I can’t take it anymore.”
Even as a baby, I was hitting the bottle way too hard.
I used to write suicide notes on my Etch-a-sketch. “Goodbye cruel mommy!”
I used to play with Suicide Barbie. She came with her own bathtub and razor blades.
I have never felt like I belong. Even the day I was born, I could sense the other babies in the nursery didn’t like me.
I tried to OD on Flintstone vitamins. But, instead, I just got this really healthy immune system.
Before I got married, I was, um what do you call it? A slut! I used to fill this hole in my heart with one-night stand after really awesome one-night stand. But, now that I am older, I can look back on that and see it for what it really was- the best fucking time of my entire life!! And, I miss it!
I’ve been with the same man for so long, I would act out any fantasy he wanted. But, I secretly hope his fantasy is to watch me fuck 20-year old boys!
I have a new relationship, well a textationship. My BFF Sally said, “You need to stop texting that little boy so much.” Yeah, she’s right. By the time we hook-up, his fingers will be useless!
Flattery will no longer get you everywhere. Now you have to put out.
Don’t ever make your stalker your boyfriend. It just causes him to lose interest.
I thought stalkers just freak out when you reject them. No, they freak when you pay attention to them, too.
Someone recently said to me, “That’s my curse; I always seem to hurt women.” Uh, dude, you aren’t cursed. You are just an asshole.
When a boy in his 20s says, “I’m not like the other guys,” that just means he is too young and stupid to know he is JUST like the other guys. Yeah, you’re a unique asshole.
Here’s a good mantra you are free to use if you ever need it:
At least I didn’t blow him. At least I didn’t blow him.
Sally told me this hot friend of ours said, “I used to want to hook-up with Bobbie, but then I met her husband. And, he is so cool! I could never do that to him.” Don’t ever let your boyfriend meet your husband. He will like him more than you! And that is the ultimate cock-block!
The sex drive of a 40-year old woman is TOTALLY different from a 40-year old man. I asked my husband for sex and he said, “Can’t we do it next week?” Next week?! Why not now, tomorrow AND next week? Is it morally wrong to slip someone Viagra in their coffee without their knowledge? Just wondering.
I have always had the sex drive of a 17-year old boy-even when I was a 17-year old girl. When I say, “I’ve been around,” I mean and back.
Success and stability are boring. I finally got my shit together and it bored me. So I had to fuck it up again.
I recently went back to GA and was going to see a bunch of old friends. I was worried about it because I had planned to lose weight before and, of course, I didn’t. My husband said, “Isn’t it enough that you are like 10 times more successful than all of them?” Uh, no! I want to be 10 times more s successful AND skinny! Is that too much to ask?
We went to my in-laws’ cabin in the woods. We could not find it anywhere, so we Google-mapped it. It came back, “Did you mean bumfuck?”
By the way, it was a 3 story cabin-mansion that looked like it had been professionally decorated…by a moose!
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with an old friend and then suddenly realized, “Oh shit! They have become a Republican!?” I felt like our weekend in the woods was the Healthcare Summit. We didn’t get any further than Congress.
I have a very addictive personality. You know why I’m not hooked on crack? Cause I have never tried crack! If I did, I’d be sucking dick in the alley in 15 minutes.
Before I went into rehab (at 16), I was 5’3”. When I came out, I was 5’ 2 ½ “. That ½ inch was my spirit.
I had to go to rehab because my mama found my pot when she was cleaning my room. By ‘found,’ I mean I had 3 joints hidden in the little pantaloons of a porcelain doll on my shell. Fuck, my mama should have been a maid for the CIA.
I have figured out a way to keep your kids off drugs. Do drugs! My kids think everything I do is uncool. I have raised a couple of little straight-edge nerds I would never hang around in high school. Mission accomplished!