Monday, February 16, 2009

New Potluck

I know it’s been a long time since I posted any jokes. I’ve been writing; I just haven’t had time to get on this blog. So, here ya go. Yummy new potluck!

Michael Phelps got busted smoking a bong, and now Kellogg’s dropped him from their ad campaign. Doesn’t Kellogg’s know that their demographic is kids and pot-heads? And kids don’t have any money!

And have you seen those three dudes on the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials? You can’t tell me those freaks aren’t high!

A-Rod admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. But, he added, only with Madonna.

I heard on NPR that in Israel, two political parties are joining together to gain more power. The two parties are The Holocaust Survivor party and, wait for it, The Legalize Cannabis party! That’s right; the chosen people joined the stoned people. The ones who killed Jesus have joined the ones who killed off that pan of brownies. This brings a whole new meaning to the burning bush. Their new slogan should be: Jews for Doobs. Or maybe Heebs for Weed. High on Zion. This is a combo never before seen…except in the Beastie Boys. Ok, I’m done. I promise.

The octo-mom had 6 other kids before delivering octuplets. Three of those 6 kids (50%) were developmentally disabled. And yet, she still used the same sperm donor for all 14 kids! What was she thinking? Of course, I guess it’s obvious from her behavior that the retarded gene probably came from her side.

I like to watch that show Nancy Grace because she follows the Casey Anthony case. My husband hates it and is always complaining about it. I said, “Look, I work really hard. Sometimes I just want to sit down, relax and watch a story about a little girl getting killed! Is that too much to ask?”

There are so many murder-suicides in the news from men who lose their jobs and come home and kill their wives and themselves. I told my husband, “Oh honey. If you lose your job and you ever feel like you just want to end it all and kill yourself…can you please just leave me out of it?” Seriously, what ever happened to good old fashioned suicide?

I have an unusual problem. I have too many opportunities. I am overwhelmed with opportunities. I don’t have time to take advantage of all the opportunities that I have. So, I don’t want to hear about your idea for a show I can produce or a class I can teach or a book I should write. I’m just trying to keep the balls in the air I’m juggling now. In fact, the next damn time opportunity knocks, I’m gonna duck down behind the couch like it’s a fucking Jehovah’s Witness!

I just got on Facebook, and boy is it a mind fuck. I think it was invented by the Universe to teach me life lessons. You know how you always said you would go to your highschool reunion when you are rich enough, thin enough and successful enough? Well, now you don’t have that choice. Facebook is the highschool reunion that comes to you-whether you are ready or not.

I’m so surprised at how many people who were downright mean to me in school are all like “Oh my god, you are a successful comedian in LA! Oh my god that’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” Blah blah blah
I just want to say, “Weren’t you the one who got the whole school calling me Miss Piggy in 8th grade? Well, how you like me now mother fucker?”

I know that I should so be over all that by now. I’m 40 for god’s sake. And, I really ought to thank them. If they hadn’t made my life the same living hell at school that it was at home, I may never have run like hell out of that town and never looked back. So, thanks bullies! How’s that shitty job at the plant working out for you?

(Please note: if you were nice to me in high school, that is not directed toward you!)

On Facebook, everyone constantly updates their status to say what they are doing right now. Look, I barely give a shit about what I’m doing right now. I sure as hell don’t care what you are doing right now. Or in 15 minutes from now.

Facebook is like walking down memory lane - of one night stands. Every guy I ever, um, dated (and I say ‘dated’ but you know what I really mean) has friended me on Facebook. One guy, I had even forgotten about. I’m like “Damn it. I’ve been leaving him off the list for years!” Now where am I? One, two, three, four, five……….wait, do I have to count the girls?

I have discovered a sure-fire way to keep your kids off drugs – do drugs! Seriously, my kids think that drugs are the most uncool thing on Earth. I have raised a couple of straight-edge geeks I would never have hung out with in high school. Mission accomplished.

In the last few years, I have lost weight and gained it again. But, my stalkers have never turned their backs on me (except when I turn around to see if anyone is there). Hell, my stalkers don’t care what I weigh! They just want to kill me for me!

I get so sick of every new comic thinking they are the idiot savant of comedy. One day I got an email from this guy who said I have never performed on stage before, but I guarantee you I am one the top 5 funniest comics in LA. WTF? How insulting! That doesn’t happen in other professions. People don’t walk up to doctors and say, “Look I ain’t never been to no medical school, and I ain’t never performed no surgery, but I am the best damn doctor you ever seen! Now give me that knife thingy.”

Some guy emailed me once and said, “You need to put me in your show immediately because I am the best comic you’ve ever seen. You won’t be disappointed.” You know what? I’m already disappointed -by your email. Try not to disappoint me again.

Once a comedy student said to me, “Bobbie, I give this comedy thing two months. If I’m not famous in two months, I quit.” I said, “You should quit now. And save us all two months of listening to you bitch about it.”

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