I know it’s been a while. I am too busy to put all my new jokes on here, but I’ll give you a taste of what I’ve been working on.
I am a comic, so of course, I hate myself. It has always been that way. Once, when I was a baby, they caught me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with a pacifier.
My first words were, “I can’t take it anymore.”
Even as a baby, I was hitting the bottle way too hard.
I used to write suicide notes on my Etch-a-sketch. “Goodbye cruel mommy!”
I used to play with Suicide Barbie. She came with her own bathtub and razor blades.
I have never felt like I belong. Even the day I was born, I could sense the other babies in the nursery didn’t like me.
I tried to OD on Flintstone vitamins. But, instead, I just got this really healthy immune system.
Before I got married, I was, um what do you call it? A slut! I used to fill this hole in my heart with one-night stand after really awesome one-night stand. But, now that I am older, I can look back on that and see it for what it really was- the best fucking time of my entire life!! And, I miss it!
I’ve been with the same man for so long, I would act out any fantasy he wanted. But, I secretly hope his fantasy is to watch me fuck 20-year old boys!
I have a new relationship, well a textationship. My BFF Sally said, “You need to stop texting that little boy so much.” Yeah, she’s right. By the time we hook-up, his fingers will be useless!
Flattery will no longer get you everywhere. Now you have to put out.
Don’t ever make your stalker your boyfriend. It just causes him to lose interest.
I thought stalkers just freak out when you reject them. No, they freak when you pay attention to them, too.
Someone recently said to me, “That’s my curse; I always seem to hurt women.” Uh, dude, you aren’t cursed. You are just an asshole.
When a boy in his 20s says, “I’m not like the other guys,” that just means he is too young and stupid to know he is JUST like the other guys. Yeah, you’re a unique asshole.
Here’s a good mantra you are free to use if you ever need it:
At least I didn’t blow him. At least I didn’t blow him.
Sally told me this hot friend of ours said, “I used to want to hook-up with Bobbie, but then I met her husband. And, he is so cool! I could never do that to him.” Don’t ever let your boyfriend meet your husband. He will like him more than you! And that is the ultimate cock-block!
The sex drive of a 40-year old woman is TOTALLY different from a 40-year old man. I asked my husband for sex and he said, “Can’t we do it next week?” Next week?! Why not now, tomorrow AND next week? Is it morally wrong to slip someone Viagra in their coffee without their knowledge? Just wondering.
I have always had the sex drive of a 17-year old boy-even when I was a 17-year old girl. When I say, “I’ve been around,” I mean and back.
Success and stability are boring. I finally got my shit together and it bored me. So I had to fuck it up again.
I recently went back to GA and was going to see a bunch of old friends. I was worried about it because I had planned to lose weight before and, of course, I didn’t. My husband said, “Isn’t it enough that you are like 10 times more successful than all of them?” Uh, no! I want to be 10 times more s successful AND skinny! Is that too much to ask?
We went to my in-laws’ cabin in the woods. We could not find it anywhere, so we Google-mapped it. It came back, “Did you mean bumfuck?”
By the way, it was a 3 story cabin-mansion that looked like it had been professionally decorated…by a moose!
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with an old friend and then suddenly realized, “Oh shit! They have become a Republican!?” I felt like our weekend in the woods was the Healthcare Summit. We didn’t get any further than Congress.
I have a very addictive personality. You know why I’m not hooked on crack? Cause I have never tried crack! If I did, I’d be sucking dick in the alley in 15 minutes.
Before I went into rehab (at 16), I was 5’3”. When I came out, I was 5’ 2 ½ “. That ½ inch was my spirit.
I had to go to rehab because my mama found my pot when she was cleaning my room. By ‘found,’ I mean I had 3 joints hidden in the little pantaloons of a porcelain doll on my shell. Fuck, my mama should have been a maid for the CIA.
I have figured out a way to keep your kids off drugs. Do drugs! My kids think everything I do is uncool. I have raised a couple of little straight-edge nerds I would never hang around in high school. Mission accomplished!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Spring Potluck
I am obsessed with my career. Once, I had a really bad one night stand, and I thought to myself, “Well, at least I got a good tape out of it!”
What I want to know is, who do you have to fuck in this town to make it? Jerry Seinfeld? I would totally blow Jerry! And then afterwards, we could eat some cereal.
I hate it when I perform and the person I’m with doesn’t tell me I was funny. Sometimes I will just come out and ask, “I was really funny, right?” And so often the person says, “Of course. That goes without saying.” What? No it doesn’t. Say it god damn it. Say it! A compliment never goes without saying.
Once I got off stage and this guy I was with said, “Some of your stuff was good tonight.” I’m like, “Some of it?” He goes, “Well, I’m just being honest.” Really? Cause I don’t remember asking you your fucking honest opinion on my act or anything else! The only thing I want to hear when I get off stage is, “You were awesome.” And maybe, “You are beautiful. I want to have sex with you.” Anything else, goes without saying!
I used to work at Pasadena City College. One day, a teacher came into my office and slid a Christian pamphlet across my desk and said, "The Lord wanted me to give this to you." I slid it back to her and said, "I think the Lord has me confused with someone else." She goes, “Well, I just wanted to make sure you have some information about Jesus.” I said, “There is no shortage of information out there. Tell you what, when I go home tonight, I promise to Google Jesus!”
Recently, I saw an Amber Alert on TV, and they showed all these pictures that looked like glamour shots of the child from her best day ever. Then a week or so later, they came out with the real pics of her, looking a little chubby, without makeup and her hair all messy. You know, the way she really looks. Here’s some advice for you. People, if you get kidnapped, those old headshots aren’t doing you any favors! Seriously, if I go missing, do NOT show my headshots… or they will never find me! Show them the pics I won’t let you put on Facebook. That’s who the police should be looking for.
I was actually kidnapped when I was 5 years old. I can remember right before he took me and right after I was found. But, I can’t remember anything that happened while he had me. So, I’ve decided to pretend it was all puppies and sunshine. I’m sure he just took me to the circus. I mean, why else would a drunk old man want to be alone with a 5 year old girl?
I have been crazy my whole life. Before I was old enough for real anxiety drugs, they had me on Benadryl. Seriously. Benadryl was my pre-lithium. Benadryl was my psychiatric training wheels. I’ve been crazy for so long, once they found me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with my pacifier. Now I am on medical marijuana for anxiety. I still want to kill myself, but I just keep forgetting.
Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Supersonic Hearing device? Now you can hear what your friends and neighbors are saying about you! Gee, what could go wrong there? In the commercial, these two girls are checking out another girl and say, “Look at her body. She looks great.” Yeah, that’s what people are saying about you behind your back! Right. One day we are going to see on the news a story about a girl killing her group of her friends because she heard what they were saying as she walked away.
I recently got into texting. My iPhone keep changing my words to what it thinks I am trying to type. Seriously, who texts ‘ducking’ that much? No one is texting about a duck. No one is trying to duck you! WTD?
I’m from GA. One of the things I hate about it is all the racism. But, it’s really pretty there. The South would be beautiful if you could get all the racists to hide behind the trees. Everyone duck. How pretty! (That time I really did mean duck).
I love watching the Hollywood red carpet arrivals. I don’t understand why on TV they always criticize the actress for a bad dress. She didn’t make it! Versace fucked up at the Oscars, not Reese Witherspoon!
I’ve been with my husband Chris for 20 years. The other day, I bought his dad a birthday card, and Chris called him to find out if he was going to be in GA or FL for his birthday, and to get the address to mail his card. I told Chris to write it on a piece of paper, and NOT on the envelope. So, not only does he write in on the envelope, but he gets through the entire GA address before his dad says, “but we can’t get mail here.” So, then his dad gives him the FL address, which Chris also writes on the damn envelope right above the GA address! So now there are two addresses on the envelope. So, I get some white labels and cover them up and put the FL address on the envelope and make it all look pretty again. I, then, asked Chris to put a return address and a stamp on it. What does he do? He puts the return address and the stamp upside down on the envelope, the opposite way of his dad’s address. And then I have to fix that, too!
I told that story to my single friend and she said, “Aww. Isn’t that cute?” Yeah, that was cute…in 1989! In 1999, it was charming. But, in 2009, it’s annoying as shit!!
My husband is a geek. While I was in high school partying and screwing around, he was home memorizing the names of all the Jedi.
What I want to know is, who do you have to fuck in this town to make it? Jerry Seinfeld? I would totally blow Jerry! And then afterwards, we could eat some cereal.
I hate it when I perform and the person I’m with doesn’t tell me I was funny. Sometimes I will just come out and ask, “I was really funny, right?” And so often the person says, “Of course. That goes without saying.” What? No it doesn’t. Say it god damn it. Say it! A compliment never goes without saying.
Once I got off stage and this guy I was with said, “Some of your stuff was good tonight.” I’m like, “Some of it?” He goes, “Well, I’m just being honest.” Really? Cause I don’t remember asking you your fucking honest opinion on my act or anything else! The only thing I want to hear when I get off stage is, “You were awesome.” And maybe, “You are beautiful. I want to have sex with you.” Anything else, goes without saying!
I used to work at Pasadena City College. One day, a teacher came into my office and slid a Christian pamphlet across my desk and said, "The Lord wanted me to give this to you." I slid it back to her and said, "I think the Lord has me confused with someone else." She goes, “Well, I just wanted to make sure you have some information about Jesus.” I said, “There is no shortage of information out there. Tell you what, when I go home tonight, I promise to Google Jesus!”
Recently, I saw an Amber Alert on TV, and they showed all these pictures that looked like glamour shots of the child from her best day ever. Then a week or so later, they came out with the real pics of her, looking a little chubby, without makeup and her hair all messy. You know, the way she really looks. Here’s some advice for you. People, if you get kidnapped, those old headshots aren’t doing you any favors! Seriously, if I go missing, do NOT show my headshots… or they will never find me! Show them the pics I won’t let you put on Facebook. That’s who the police should be looking for.
I was actually kidnapped when I was 5 years old. I can remember right before he took me and right after I was found. But, I can’t remember anything that happened while he had me. So, I’ve decided to pretend it was all puppies and sunshine. I’m sure he just took me to the circus. I mean, why else would a drunk old man want to be alone with a 5 year old girl?
I have been crazy my whole life. Before I was old enough for real anxiety drugs, they had me on Benadryl. Seriously. Benadryl was my pre-lithium. Benadryl was my psychiatric training wheels. I’ve been crazy for so long, once they found me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with my pacifier. Now I am on medical marijuana for anxiety. I still want to kill myself, but I just keep forgetting.
Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Supersonic Hearing device? Now you can hear what your friends and neighbors are saying about you! Gee, what could go wrong there? In the commercial, these two girls are checking out another girl and say, “Look at her body. She looks great.” Yeah, that’s what people are saying about you behind your back! Right. One day we are going to see on the news a story about a girl killing her group of her friends because she heard what they were saying as she walked away.
I recently got into texting. My iPhone keep changing my words to what it thinks I am trying to type. Seriously, who texts ‘ducking’ that much? No one is texting about a duck. No one is trying to duck you! WTD?
I’m from GA. One of the things I hate about it is all the racism. But, it’s really pretty there. The South would be beautiful if you could get all the racists to hide behind the trees. Everyone duck. How pretty! (That time I really did mean duck).
I love watching the Hollywood red carpet arrivals. I don’t understand why on TV they always criticize the actress for a bad dress. She didn’t make it! Versace fucked up at the Oscars, not Reese Witherspoon!
I’ve been with my husband Chris for 20 years. The other day, I bought his dad a birthday card, and Chris called him to find out if he was going to be in GA or FL for his birthday, and to get the address to mail his card. I told Chris to write it on a piece of paper, and NOT on the envelope. So, not only does he write in on the envelope, but he gets through the entire GA address before his dad says, “but we can’t get mail here.” So, then his dad gives him the FL address, which Chris also writes on the damn envelope right above the GA address! So now there are two addresses on the envelope. So, I get some white labels and cover them up and put the FL address on the envelope and make it all look pretty again. I, then, asked Chris to put a return address and a stamp on it. What does he do? He puts the return address and the stamp upside down on the envelope, the opposite way of his dad’s address. And then I have to fix that, too!
I told that story to my single friend and she said, “Aww. Isn’t that cute?” Yeah, that was cute…in 1989! In 1999, it was charming. But, in 2009, it’s annoying as shit!!
My husband is a geek. While I was in high school partying and screwing around, he was home memorizing the names of all the Jedi.
Monday, February 16, 2009
New Potluck
I know it’s been a long time since I posted any jokes. I’ve been writing; I just haven’t had time to get on this blog. So, here ya go. Yummy new potluck!
Michael Phelps got busted smoking a bong, and now Kellogg’s dropped him from their ad campaign. Doesn’t Kellogg’s know that their demographic is kids and pot-heads? And kids don’t have any money!
And have you seen those three dudes on the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials? You can’t tell me those freaks aren’t high!
A-Rod admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. But, he added, only with Madonna.
I heard on NPR that in Israel, two political parties are joining together to gain more power. The two parties are The Holocaust Survivor party and, wait for it, The Legalize Cannabis party! That’s right; the chosen people joined the stoned people. The ones who killed Jesus have joined the ones who killed off that pan of brownies. This brings a whole new meaning to the burning bush. Their new slogan should be: Jews for Doobs. Or maybe Heebs for Weed. High on Zion. This is a combo never before seen…except in the Beastie Boys. Ok, I’m done. I promise.
The octo-mom had 6 other kids before delivering octuplets. Three of those 6 kids (50%) were developmentally disabled. And yet, she still used the same sperm donor for all 14 kids! What was she thinking? Of course, I guess it’s obvious from her behavior that the retarded gene probably came from her side.
I like to watch that show Nancy Grace because she follows the Casey Anthony case. My husband hates it and is always complaining about it. I said, “Look, I work really hard. Sometimes I just want to sit down, relax and watch a story about a little girl getting killed! Is that too much to ask?”
There are so many murder-suicides in the news from men who lose their jobs and come home and kill their wives and themselves. I told my husband, “Oh honey. If you lose your job and you ever feel like you just want to end it all and kill yourself…can you please just leave me out of it?” Seriously, what ever happened to good old fashioned suicide?
I have an unusual problem. I have too many opportunities. I am overwhelmed with opportunities. I don’t have time to take advantage of all the opportunities that I have. So, I don’t want to hear about your idea for a show I can produce or a class I can teach or a book I should write. I’m just trying to keep the balls in the air I’m juggling now. In fact, the next damn time opportunity knocks, I’m gonna duck down behind the couch like it’s a fucking Jehovah’s Witness!
I just got on Facebook, and boy is it a mind fuck. I think it was invented by the Universe to teach me life lessons. You know how you always said you would go to your highschool reunion when you are rich enough, thin enough and successful enough? Well, now you don’t have that choice. Facebook is the highschool reunion that comes to you-whether you are ready or not.
I’m so surprised at how many people who were downright mean to me in school are all like “Oh my god, you are a successful comedian in LA! Oh my god that’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” Blah blah blah
I just want to say, “Weren’t you the one who got the whole school calling me Miss Piggy in 8th grade? Well, how you like me now mother fucker?”
I know that I should so be over all that by now. I’m 40 for god’s sake. And, I really ought to thank them. If they hadn’t made my life the same living hell at school that it was at home, I may never have run like hell out of that town and never looked back. So, thanks bullies! How’s that shitty job at the plant working out for you?
(Please note: if you were nice to me in high school, that is not directed toward you!)
On Facebook, everyone constantly updates their status to say what they are doing right now. Look, I barely give a shit about what I’m doing right now. I sure as hell don’t care what you are doing right now. Or in 15 minutes from now.
Facebook is like walking down memory lane - of one night stands. Every guy I ever, um, dated (and I say ‘dated’ but you know what I really mean) has friended me on Facebook. One guy, I had even forgotten about. I’m like “Damn it. I’ve been leaving him off the list for years!” Now where am I? One, two, three, four, five……….wait, do I have to count the girls?
I have discovered a sure-fire way to keep your kids off drugs – do drugs! Seriously, my kids think that drugs are the most uncool thing on Earth. I have raised a couple of straight-edge geeks I would never have hung out with in high school. Mission accomplished.
In the last few years, I have lost weight and gained it again. But, my stalkers have never turned their backs on me (except when I turn around to see if anyone is there). Hell, my stalkers don’t care what I weigh! They just want to kill me for me!
I get so sick of every new comic thinking they are the idiot savant of comedy. One day I got an email from this guy who said I have never performed on stage before, but I guarantee you I am one the top 5 funniest comics in LA. WTF? How insulting! That doesn’t happen in other professions. People don’t walk up to doctors and say, “Look I ain’t never been to no medical school, and I ain’t never performed no surgery, but I am the best damn doctor you ever seen! Now give me that knife thingy.”
Some guy emailed me once and said, “You need to put me in your show immediately because I am the best comic you’ve ever seen. You won’t be disappointed.” You know what? I’m already disappointed -by your email. Try not to disappoint me again.
Once a comedy student said to me, “Bobbie, I give this comedy thing two months. If I’m not famous in two months, I quit.” I said, “You should quit now. And save us all two months of listening to you bitch about it.”
Michael Phelps got busted smoking a bong, and now Kellogg’s dropped him from their ad campaign. Doesn’t Kellogg’s know that their demographic is kids and pot-heads? And kids don’t have any money!
And have you seen those three dudes on the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials? You can’t tell me those freaks aren’t high!
A-Rod admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. But, he added, only with Madonna.
I heard on NPR that in Israel, two political parties are joining together to gain more power. The two parties are The Holocaust Survivor party and, wait for it, The Legalize Cannabis party! That’s right; the chosen people joined the stoned people. The ones who killed Jesus have joined the ones who killed off that pan of brownies. This brings a whole new meaning to the burning bush. Their new slogan should be: Jews for Doobs. Or maybe Heebs for Weed. High on Zion. This is a combo never before seen…except in the Beastie Boys. Ok, I’m done. I promise.
The octo-mom had 6 other kids before delivering octuplets. Three of those 6 kids (50%) were developmentally disabled. And yet, she still used the same sperm donor for all 14 kids! What was she thinking? Of course, I guess it’s obvious from her behavior that the retarded gene probably came from her side.
I like to watch that show Nancy Grace because she follows the Casey Anthony case. My husband hates it and is always complaining about it. I said, “Look, I work really hard. Sometimes I just want to sit down, relax and watch a story about a little girl getting killed! Is that too much to ask?”
There are so many murder-suicides in the news from men who lose their jobs and come home and kill their wives and themselves. I told my husband, “Oh honey. If you lose your job and you ever feel like you just want to end it all and kill yourself…can you please just leave me out of it?” Seriously, what ever happened to good old fashioned suicide?
I have an unusual problem. I have too many opportunities. I am overwhelmed with opportunities. I don’t have time to take advantage of all the opportunities that I have. So, I don’t want to hear about your idea for a show I can produce or a class I can teach or a book I should write. I’m just trying to keep the balls in the air I’m juggling now. In fact, the next damn time opportunity knocks, I’m gonna duck down behind the couch like it’s a fucking Jehovah’s Witness!
I just got on Facebook, and boy is it a mind fuck. I think it was invented by the Universe to teach me life lessons. You know how you always said you would go to your highschool reunion when you are rich enough, thin enough and successful enough? Well, now you don’t have that choice. Facebook is the highschool reunion that comes to you-whether you are ready or not.
I’m so surprised at how many people who were downright mean to me in school are all like “Oh my god, you are a successful comedian in LA! Oh my god that’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” Blah blah blah
I just want to say, “Weren’t you the one who got the whole school calling me Miss Piggy in 8th grade? Well, how you like me now mother fucker?”
I know that I should so be over all that by now. I’m 40 for god’s sake. And, I really ought to thank them. If they hadn’t made my life the same living hell at school that it was at home, I may never have run like hell out of that town and never looked back. So, thanks bullies! How’s that shitty job at the plant working out for you?
(Please note: if you were nice to me in high school, that is not directed toward you!)
On Facebook, everyone constantly updates their status to say what they are doing right now. Look, I barely give a shit about what I’m doing right now. I sure as hell don’t care what you are doing right now. Or in 15 minutes from now.
Facebook is like walking down memory lane - of one night stands. Every guy I ever, um, dated (and I say ‘dated’ but you know what I really mean) has friended me on Facebook. One guy, I had even forgotten about. I’m like “Damn it. I’ve been leaving him off the list for years!” Now where am I? One, two, three, four, five……….wait, do I have to count the girls?
I have discovered a sure-fire way to keep your kids off drugs – do drugs! Seriously, my kids think that drugs are the most uncool thing on Earth. I have raised a couple of straight-edge geeks I would never have hung out with in high school. Mission accomplished.
In the last few years, I have lost weight and gained it again. But, my stalkers have never turned their backs on me (except when I turn around to see if anyone is there). Hell, my stalkers don’t care what I weigh! They just want to kill me for me!
I get so sick of every new comic thinking they are the idiot savant of comedy. One day I got an email from this guy who said I have never performed on stage before, but I guarantee you I am one the top 5 funniest comics in LA. WTF? How insulting! That doesn’t happen in other professions. People don’t walk up to doctors and say, “Look I ain’t never been to no medical school, and I ain’t never performed no surgery, but I am the best damn doctor you ever seen! Now give me that knife thingy.”
Some guy emailed me once and said, “You need to put me in your show immediately because I am the best comic you’ve ever seen. You won’t be disappointed.” You know what? I’m already disappointed -by your email. Try not to disappoint me again.
Once a comedy student said to me, “Bobbie, I give this comedy thing two months. If I’m not famous in two months, I quit.” I said, “You should quit now. And save us all two months of listening to you bitch about it.”
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
No Joke
Not everything can be comedy, so here is a poem.
Over worked
Over stressed
Over tired
Over cooked
Over it all
Reach out. Don't be afraid
Call out. It's ok
Help
I am drowning in my own success
My own dreams
A river of my own making
Stretched too thin
But not thin
Cause no focus is on me
Not me the person, me the product
All for what?
I grabbed the brass ring and
Sank to the bottom from the weight of it
If I let it go, I can kick my way back up
But, is there anyone left on the surface
To receive me?
Where is me? Who is me?
I am a farmer
My crop will never stop growing
I must never stop sowing
But, when is the time to reap?
When is the time to sleep?
Congratulations me
I made it! I made it
All the way away
So far away from who I long to be
Just me
Me without comedy
No joke
Over worked
Over stressed
Over tired
Over cooked
Over it all
Reach out. Don't be afraid
Call out. It's ok
Help
I am drowning in my own success
My own dreams
A river of my own making
Stretched too thin
But not thin
Cause no focus is on me
Not me the person, me the product
All for what?
I grabbed the brass ring and
Sank to the bottom from the weight of it
If I let it go, I can kick my way back up
But, is there anyone left on the surface
To receive me?
Where is me? Who is me?
I am a farmer
My crop will never stop growing
I must never stop sowing
But, when is the time to reap?
When is the time to sleep?
Congratulations me
I made it! I made it
All the way away
So far away from who I long to be
Just me
Me without comedy
No joke
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