The Skinny

Two years ago, I lost 100 lbs and last year, I gained 50 of it back. That’s ok, I’m an optimist. I choose to think of my ass as ½ full!

But I feel like it’s time to talk about the whole journey and tell the truth. I gained weight because being skinny was not what I thought it would be.

I have looked like this all of my life. Like most people, I hate myself. When I got skinny, I found out that I still hated myself. Only then I hated myself but I was really really hungry! And I was like, “You mean to tell me that my self-esteem has no correlation to the size of my ass?”

Being skinny was a mindfuck. I have always thought that I was street smart. But, when I got skinny it was like moving to a different street. I didn’t know any of the rules!

For one thing, everyone was nice to me. It was creepy! I couldn’t tell who the assholes were.

I’d walk into a store like Home Depot, all the male employees would come out, “Can I help you? Can I help you?” Damn. Who knew it was so easy to buy a hammer?

My male friends got all weird on me. Like I have always been very flirty. I would say things like, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” The guy would be like “Yeah, we should.” Then I got skinny and I’d say, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” They’d be like, “give me two minutes I’ll bring the car around.” No wait! I was kidding. We don’t have to consummate every joke!

Then all my guy friends started giving me the full- body hug. I didn’t even know that existed. They all were touching and squeezing and full-body hugging. It made me not want to go to open mics anymore. God I thought comedians were annoying enough.

I worked out 2 hours a day. The more I worked out, the more my guy friends got touchy/feely. I felt like I was in training for a date rape!

Suddenly everyone noticed me. It was like going from being invisible to being famous over night. One day, I’m sitting in a restaurant, writing in my joke notebook, and some guy walks up to my table. “Nice journal. Where’d you get it?” I start going “Oh, just Target or some place like that,” then I look down and see it’s just a composition book. Nice journal? I fell for nice journal? God, leave me alone! Can’t a girl sit alone in a Holiday Burger and wait for her drug dealer in peace?

This guy almost ran over me in the parking lot one day commenting on my “I heart Eagle Rock” bumper sticker. “You love Eagle Rock? I love Eagle Rock! Do you live in Eagle Rock? I live in Eagle Rock” I’m like “damn that dude really loved Eagle Rock.” My best friend Sally said “he loved what you loved. If you loved Jesus, he would’ve loved Jesus. If you loved Darwin, he would’ve loved Darwin. He didn’t heart Eagle Rock. He hearts your booty.” I found out that when a guy walks up to you, you have to shut him down immediately. Now I know why Sally is such a bitch!

People were constantly commenting on my body. “Oh my God, let me look at you. Turn around. How much do you weigh now?” I felt like I was on the auction block. I kept waiting for someone to ask to examine my teeth. I was like, “Um, could we please talk about something other than my ass?”


Also, I felt like I had switched sides and joined the enemy. People acted like I was now “in the club” and started to make fun of fat people in front on me. One day a good friend called me a skinny bitch. At first I was like “thanks!” Then I realized, oh wait, that’s bad.

I actually became even sluttier, if you can believe it. I exhausted my husband. I thought he was going to take out a restraining order to keep me 50 feet from the bed!

People acted really weird when I gained weight again. Like it was some kind of personal affront against them. I’m like, “I’m miserable, people! Give me a break! I didn’t give up cheese for this!”


I mean I even had stalkers. In fact, that part never changed. I still have stalkers. When you think about it, my stalkers were the only ones who really stuck with me though all this. So, thanks crazy guys!

Help! I don’t have a penis!

I just got off the phone with Wachovia bank. I recently bought myself a VW Beetle. I was calling to confirm that Wachovia received the insurance information that they were requesting, and that I had the insurance company fax to them. To my surprise, they REFUSED to confirm if they received the information or not until my husband called them and told them they could speak to me. Here is the strange part: it’s my car, my loan! I bought it without my husband even being there!! I put him on the loan as a co-signer. I am the primary borrower. He showed up at the end to sign his name when every thing was done.

When he called Wachovia, he sternly told them that it is my car, not his. The woman at Wachovia said, “Well, you are a co-signer, so you will be responsible if she doesn’t pay.” He said, “Yes, I am the CO-signer; she is the borrower. Why am I the only one listed on the loan?” The response was, “Well, Mr. Oliver, that’s how we do it here at Wachovia.”

That’s how they do it? Based on what? I know what. My husband possesses something I will never have - a PENIS. What other reason could it be? Think this is an isolated incident? It’s not. Keep reading.

I have filed joint taxes with my husband for 17 years. I am the one who goes to H&R Block every year and has the taxes done (usually without him going at all). I take the papers to him when they are complete, and he signs his part. Recently, I noticed that H&R Block has him listed as the “taxpaper,” and I am listed as the “spouse.” WTF? I asked them why. H&R Block replied “That’s how we do it.” I asked, “Based on what?” Here are the facts: alphabetically my name comes before his, my social security number is numerically before his, I make more money than he does (primary breadwinner), and THEY HAVE NEVER EVEN MET HIM! How did they respond? “Well, he’s the husband.”

I have done everything I can in my life to be a strong, independent woman. I own my own business, have bought every car-and our freaking house in Georgia-by myself without my husband’s involvement. I handle all the bills, manage the household. I have a Master’s degree for God’s sake. But, I will never have the one thing I guess I need to be considered a “borrower” or a “taxpayer.” I am now, and may forever be, THE SPOUSE. Well, they can suck my non-existent dick!

Don't Panic!

What I Believe

Republican VP pick Sarah Palin has spoken. Now it’s clear that on both sides there are young, charismatic newcomers and really old experienced white guys. We’re even. But are we? Now it’s time to figure out who supports what you believe.

What I believe…

I believe in choice. A woman should have the right to decide if she wants/needs to have an abortion.

I believe in gay rights, including marriage.

I believe in science, including Evolution, stem-cell research, sex education, and photo-synthesis.

I believe that torture is wrong, no matter who does it, or what border they fall behind.

I believe in Universal Healthcare.

I believe in the separation of Church and State.

I believe that we are all one people with the same rights, even if we are considered “illegal.”

I believe that a man who was born poor, raised by a single mother, and earned his way into Harvard is not an elite. But, you can’t make a rich daddy’s boy with bad grades who gets into Yale not elite just by putting a cowboy hat on him.

I believe that taxes should be used for social services, schools, and infrastructure- not war.

I believe people should get tax breaks, not corporations.

I believe that if you don’t know how many houses you have, it’s not surprising you think the economy is fine.

I believe if you really support the troops, you will not deploy them in unjust wars.

I believe that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are not the same guy.

I believe that fundamentalist Christians are just as scary as fundamentalist Muslims.

I believe that pandering to large corporations is strangling this country.

I believe in preserving the environment.

I believe we should not give up our civil liberties out of fear. I am not afraid. “Give me liberty or give me death!”

I believe that lies are getting us nowhere.

I believe that your vote counts the same as mine. Please don’t just listen to sound bites. Do your homework. Find the candidates that support what You believe.

Sarah Palin

Attention Women:

Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton! Yes, she has a vagina. But, she wants to keep the rest of us from using ours. She is staunchly pro-life (unless you are a polar bear).
She is against everything Hillary has fought for her entire life!

Sarah Palin has 5 kids, including a special-needs infant. Isn’t she busy? My mama had 5 kids and she barely had time to pee, much less run for Vice President (but, if she did, she would know what the VP does all day, unlike Palin). And, everyone I know who has 5 kids is crazy from it. I can see balancing work and family with one or two kids, but 5?

Sarah Palin is against sex-education. I can think of at least on 17-year old Alaskan high school girl who would have benefited from the condom talk: Palin’s daughter. I raised two teenagers myself, and somehow managed to have no teen pregnancies occur. I guess us Atheist heathens just have better family values.

Palin said that the US soldiers in Iraq were fighting a war for God. Um, isn’t that called a JIHAD?? She also said that it was God’s will to have the $30 million gas pipeline in Alaska she was for. It is also God’s will for me to have that new pair of red pumps I’ve been eyeing, so could you all pray for that, please?

Palin and McCain will take away a woman's right to choose. If you can't remember or can't imagine what this country was like for women before Roe VS Wade, I suggest you watch the documentary "Lake of Fire.” Poor women desperate to terminate an unwanted pregnancy would often die trying to do it themselves. Not rich women. There was always a doctor who would take care of them.




You know why women never had much of a place in American society until the last few decades? It's because we were having babies until we literally dropped dead. It’s kinda hard to hang out in the basement for 10 years perfecting the phonogram when you have 12 kids hanging off your tits.

Women- do not fall for that glass ceiling crap they are spouting. She will break that glass on the backs of us all.


WE WILL NOT GO BACK! I'll make a deal with you Republicans: you can keep your guns as long as you keep your laws off my body. You have the right to bear arms. I have the right not to bear a child! YOU CAN HAVE MY ABORTION WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!