Monday, December 22, 2008

New Potluck

Archaeologists recently discovered a 2,700 year old tomb in China, and when they opened it, they found 28 ounces of pot! That fat bag of pot was in the tomb for almost 3,000 years. And 15 minutes later, it was gone! The archaeologists were quoted as saying, “It was a little stemy, but the bud was kind!”

The story even described the pot as already prepared for smoking. I guess the last thing you want to do when you wake up from the dead is have to roll your own joints!

I am pot head. For years, I have been using Listerine strips to cover up the smell of pot on my breath when I go out in public. Then, I gave one to my husband the other day, and I realized that it made him smell like he’d been drinking. All this time, I have been trying to hide the fact that I’m a pot head, and all I’ve done is make people think that I’m an alcoholic. So, everyone- I’m not an alcoholic! I'm a pot head. Let’s get it straight!

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, and I have grown very dependent on him. I don’t know what I would do if he died before me. I couldn’t handle it. So, I just lead a way less healthy lifestyle than him so I die first. For example, he rides his bike to work, and I lie on the couch all day. He eats a piece of pie, and I eat two. He takes vitamins, so I smoke crack. I think I have it covered.

But, what if he did die before me? What would I do? I think I would stay in bed for 6 months, then I would fuck little boys for 6 months and then kill myself. I’m just kidding. I would fuck little boys for a year.

My husband made me watch the international break dancing competition. There were teams from countries around the world. At the end, the first AND third place went to South Korea. Japan got second, and America didn’t even place! That is just another example of Asians taking away American jobs!

Over the holidays, we watched one of my very favorites, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” with my British friend Kate. She had NEVER seen Charlie Brown before! She had no idea what was going on. It was so weird to have to catch someone up on Charlie Brown. I was like, “Ok, you see that girl Lucy? She’s a bitch. And that football kick is never going to happen.” She couldn’t understand why everyone was so mean to the bald kid. Come to think if it, me either. Poor Charlie Brown!

I was watching the CNN show Nancy Grace about the Casey Anthony case in Florida. The guest host, Jane Velez-Mitchell said, “Do you think it’s so hard for people to believe that she killed her two year old daughter because she is young and pretty? Do you think people would believe it more if she were fat?” What the fuck?? Fat people kill babies? Is that what you are trying to say? I fucking resent that you skinny bitch! What? Fat people are in a long line at McDonald’s and they are like, “Fuck this shit! I’m gonna kill me a baby!”

So, George Bush got some shoes thrown at him by a reporter in Iraq. It was awesome. Shoe #1 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked. Shoe #2 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked again. The Secret Service didn’t even move. They said, “Hell, we never said we would take a shoe for him.” The reporter might get 8 years in prison for the incident. The good news is, when he gets out, he has a multi-million dollar deal with Nike.

My mama had 5 kids before she was 28 years old. No wonder she was crazy! I can’t believe she didn’t drown one of us in the bathtub. I can assure you, if I had 5 kids at 28, there would have been at least one “mishap”. Come to think of it, maybe there used to be 6 of us.

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