Sunday, November 23, 2008

New Potluck

Obama won! YAY!

I was walking through the campus of CSULA the day after the election. Everyone was so happy, laughing and greeting each other. Even I had a spring in my step. Then I felt a strange feeling in my stomach. It was the total absence of anxiety. And I thought to myself, “this must be what HOPE feels like.” And then someone stole my wallet.

Not everyone is happy. My daddy emailed me and said, "God help us!" He said, "These blacks are really milking it for all it’s worth." I said, "Yeah, and for two whole days now." Haven’t we white people milked it for like 400-500 years?

Obama won but so did Prop 8 banning gay marriage. I guess Americans can only handle one good idea at a time.

Prop 8 passed with the help of millions of dollars from the Mormon and Catholic Church. Are we sure it’s the Muslims that hate us for our freedom?

People said, well the bible says it’s wrong. Oh, the bible said so. Oh, sorry. Ok, let’s pass all of our laws based on the bible then.

Prop 11-No shellfish
Prop 30-Institutes stoning for adultery
Prop 800-You can’t touch a woman while she’s menstruating.
And don’t even get me started on coveting your neighbor’s wife!

You don’t want a separation of Church and State? Move to Iran.

Even Prince came out against gay marriage. You know what? Fuck you, you little purple androgynous motherfucker. You have made a fortune pretending that you suck dick. I’m taking him off my Ipod. Hey Prince, this is what it sounds like when Doves stop selling albums.

This week 104 high ranking military brass released a signed statement asking for don’t ask don’t tell to be struck down and to let gays serve openly in the military. Evidentally, the military has had to lower its standards and let in low IQs and felons so that they can kick out good gay soldiers. They are letting Lenny from Of Mice and Men serve so that can keep out Ellen.

A Christian group came out against the statement and said that the military can not handle openly gay people in their troops. The military responded, yes we can. The Christians said, No you can’t; now shut up and go take a bullet for us!

On a related note, this week saw the naming of the first female four star general. Let’s see, 1776-we declare Independence from England, 1920-women get the vote; 2008-first female 4 star general. Now that’s what I call speedy progress. Wow. Who knows where we will be in another 100 years? Maybe vice president!

I think gay marriage would be great for the failing economy. Think about it: weddings mean banquet hall rentals, florists and caterers, dresses, tuxes, rings, honeymoon trips, gifts, etc. Wow. That’s a lot of spending. In this economy I think gay marriage and the legalization of marijuana might be just what the doctor ordered. The last Depression, it took us a war to get out of it. Maybe this time we just need to get high and get gay married.

There is a new mayoral race in Jerusalem. A rabbi is running against a “secular millionaire.” An old women interviewed on NPR said she is not voting for the rabbi because she does not want Jerusalem to get too religious! Dang. That’s like saying you don’t want Africa to get too black.

I also heard on NPR that Jews are pissed cause Mormons keep baptizing victims of the Holocaust by proxy. Mormons said 'we aren’t saying your religion is wrong, we just want to make sure you don’t go to hell'. The Jews responded, we are the chosen people for Christ’s sake! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who gets annoyed when people pray for me.

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