I Worship Comedy

I’m not a religious person. When you think about it, the only thing I really worship is comedy.

I don’t go to church; I go to comedy clubs.

I don’t recite prayers; I recite jokes.

My prophets are Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Lily Tomlin, and St. George Carlin.

In my church, we don’t pass wine. But, there is a two-drink minimum.

We don’t have wafers; we have chicken tenders.

My bible is my joke notebook. It is after all, the word of ME.

I do not have a crucifix; I have a microphone.

We do not confess, but sometimes we bomb.

In my church, Thou Shalt Kill!

We do not sing; we laugh.

I do not have a pulpit; I have a stage.

I do not crave salvation, but I’d love a little applause!

Can I get an “Amen”?

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New Potluck

Obama won! YAY!

I was walking through the campus of CSULA the day after the election. Everyone was so happy, laughing and greeting each other. Even I had a spring in my step. Then I felt a strange feeling in my stomach. It was the total absence of anxiety. And I thought to myself, “this must be what HOPE feels like.” And then someone stole my wallet.

Not everyone is happy. My daddy emailed me and said, "God help us!" He said, "These blacks are really milking it for all it’s worth." I said, "Yeah, and for two whole days now." Haven’t we white people milked it for like 400-500 years?

Obama won but so did Prop 8 banning gay marriage. I guess Americans can only handle one good idea at a time.

Prop 8 passed with the help of millions of dollars from the Mormon and Catholic Church. Are we sure it’s the Muslims that hate us for our freedom?

People said, well the bible says it’s wrong. Oh, the bible said so. Oh, sorry. Ok, let’s pass all of our laws based on the bible then.

Prop 11-No shellfish
Prop 30-Institutes stoning for adultery
Prop 800-You can’t touch a woman while she’s menstruating.
And don’t even get me started on coveting your neighbor’s wife!

You don’t want a separation of Church and State? Move to Iran.

Even Prince came out against gay marriage. You know what? Fuck you, you little purple androgynous motherfucker. You have made a fortune pretending that you suck dick. I’m taking him off my Ipod. Hey Prince, this is what it sounds like when Doves stop selling albums.

This week 104 high ranking military brass released a signed statement asking for don’t ask don’t tell to be struck down and to let gays serve openly in the military. Evidentally, the military has had to lower its standards and let in low IQs and felons so that they can kick out good gay soldiers. They are letting Lenny from Of Mice and Men serve so that can keep out Ellen.

A Christian group came out against the statement and said that the military can not handle openly gay people in their troops. The military responded, yes we can. The Christians said, No you can’t; now shut up and go take a bullet for us!


On a related note, this week saw the naming of the first female four star general. Let’s see, 1776-we declare Independence from England, 1920-women get the vote; 2008-first female 4 star general. Now that’s what I call speedy progress. Wow. Who knows where we will be in another 100 years? Maybe vice president!

I think gay marriage would be great for the failing economy. Think about it: weddings mean banquet hall rentals, florists and caterers, dresses, tuxes, rings, honeymoon trips, gifts, etc. Wow. That’s a lot of spending. In this economy I think gay marriage and the legalization of marijuana might be just what the doctor ordered. The last Depression, it took us a war to get out of it. Maybe this time we just need to get high and get gay married.

There is a new mayoral race in Jerusalem. A rabbi is running against a “secular millionaire.” An old women interviewed on NPR said she is not voting for the rabbi because she does not want Jerusalem to get too religious! Dang. That’s like saying you don’t want Africa to get too black.

I also heard on NPR that Jews are pissed cause Mormons keep baptizing victims of the Holocaust by proxy. Mormons said 'we aren’t saying your religion is wrong, we just want to make sure you don’t go to hell'. The Jews responded, we are the chosen people for Christ’s sake! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who gets annoyed when people pray for me.

This must be what Hope feels like

I haven’t written about Obama’s victory because I have been in a state of shock and bliss these last few days. Every time Obama won a state, Chris and I cried. When it was announced that he finally won the presidency, we wept like babies and have barely stopped. I have cried almost every time I think about it since then. The day after the election, I was walking through the Cal State LA campus after turning in my comp exam (my last chore for my Masters degree-yay!), and everyone was in such a good mood. Everywhere I looked, people were smiling, laughing and happily greeting each other. I have never seen the campus look like that before. I was feeling so optimistic (an emotion that is very unusual for me), I was almost skipping. I felt this strange feeling inside; it was like an utter lack of anxiety (which is my usual state). Suddenly, it occurred to me: this must be what hope feels like.

Growing up in a small town in Georgia, I know racism. There is a nasty poison that has been swallowed by some white people in the South-that every single thing they don’t have or any opportunity they never got was because a black person took it away from them. I’m not sure where this idea came from since every president up until now has been a white male, and Fortune 500 companies aren’t exactly lacking white faces. The Man is white, or at least he was until last Tuesday. But, many whom you would consider otherwise good people have such a dislike and distrust of black people, other people of color (although in the South there aren’t that many) and foreigners. One of the reasons I moved from Georgia to Los Angeles is because I have always felt out of place with the attitudes of the South (including my family).

When Obama won, I got an email from my daddy (who I have fought with about Obama every time I have talked to lately) and the subject line read: God help us all! He wrote “I know we need change, but a Black president-that’s going too far! You are all wrong.” I guess he means the 52 million Americans that voted for Obama. On the phone the next day he said, “I’m so damn tired of hearing about Martin Luther King. Those blacks are really milking this for all it’s worth.” Yeah. For 2 whole days, too. Um, haven’t we white people been milking it for 400-500 years?

On a sad note, I was very unhappy that Prop 8, the ban on gay marriage, passed in California. I am ashamed of my California brothers and sisters. A large number of minorities that voted for Obama (70% black and 53% Hispanic) voted for the ban. Minorities (and all women) need to recognize that this is the same discrimination that they have suffered. Discrimination is discrimination. Being gay is not a choice (and even if it were, that is no excuse for not having equal rights).

And I am sick of hearing that the Bible says being gay is wrong. It is 2008 in America. “Because the Bible says so” is no longer an acceptable reason to pass a law that affects people’s lives. You believe in the Bible. I don’t. You don’t get to pass laws about my life based on your faerie tales. If you don’t mind having no separation between church and state, move to Iran. The founding fathers were not hard-core Christians, some were even Atheists, and they did not construct a Christian nation. Freedom of religion. My religion says gay people are ok. I am always so amazed at how a godless secular heathen like me is way more loving to my fellow man than most Christians I have met. What would Jesus do? He would love everyone-the black president and gay people who want to marry the person they love.