Pot O' Jokes

I think the fact that my parents don't believe in Evolution and I do... proves it's true.

A woman I know told a reporter that is doing a story on me that I could "drink you under the table." (What kind of fucked up thing is that to say to a reporter?) I said, "Me"? "I don't drink." She was like, "That's not what I heard." I said, "Are you sure she didn't say I could smoke you under the table... or I would DO you under the table?" The more I tried to defend myself, the more I sounded like someone in denial. I wanted to shout, "I'm not an alcoholic! I swear. I'm a pothead! Get it straight, damn it."

I found out that my daddy just went on a date. Then I heard that the highest rate of STDs right now is among Seniors. Shit. Now I have to have the condom talk with my daddy? He didn't even have it with me! I just got used to talking to my kids about sex; I can't talk to my daddy. Can't I just GET an STD instead? Please!

Tuesday's Earthquake

I was in the shower when the Earthquake hit. The whole tub started shaking (like Nature’s Jacuzzi). I was like, “Do I jump out or rinse off?” Then I thought, “I don’t care what happens, the water might turn off, and I can’t survive the aftermath with Dove bodywash in my private parts.” And I know my family. They would never give up their emergency earthquake water to get soap out of my patutie.

I couldn’t remember what to do. Do I lie down in the bath tub? No, that’s for a Tornado. Do I tape up the windows? No, that’s a Hurricane. Do I duck and cover? No, that’s for a nuclear bomb. I had no idea what to do for an Earthquake. So, I just stopped, dropped, and rolled…and played dead.

Everything was ok, but we did lose some valuables. We lost a tiki mug and my Janis Joplin doll. Which was really sad, cause I’m 40, and what does it say about my life that THOSE are my valuables?

Family Potluck

I just spent a week in Florida visiting my husband’s family. I brought my joke notebook, but unfortunately, my in-laws are so nice that I couldn’t write any jokes! They are so sweet and positive that it’s creepy! After a few days, I couldn’t handle it. I was so out of sorts, I had to call my family… so they could criticize me stat!

That’s why I used to get freaked out by Leave it to Beaver. Nothing bad ever happened. No one ever yelled. Wally & Beaver were always scared their dad was gonna “clobber” them, but did they EVER get hit? Not even during sweeps! I used to get beat once a week with a leather strap whether I needed it or not. My mama shot my daddy once. That’s the sitcom I want to see!

At dinner the first night, we are sitting there with Chris’ parents, grandmother, brother, his wife and two kids and suddenly Chris’ daddy goes, “oh, I have something you might want. This guy I know gave it to me and I have no use for it.” He gets up from the table, goes into his room, comes back and throws a baggie on the table in front of everyone with 3 joints in it! He goes, “you have a use for this, right?” My husband and I just sat there with our mouths open. He kept going, “you can use this right? Can you use this?” Finally I said, “yes, we can use it. Thanks!” And everyone acted completely normal. I kept waiting for Aston Kutcher to jump out and tell me I’ve been punked (or Allen Funt depending on your age). It was shitty pot, btw, but it was totally worth it!

I just found out what my family in Georgia really thinks about me. They think I think I am better than them. That is really surprising to me. I always just assumed that they knew I was better than them!