I Blog, Therefore I Am

Potluck of the Week

I am about to celebrate my 20^th year in comedy. My comedy career is almost old enough to drink. My comedy career is old enough to have its own comedy career. And that comedy career has had enough time to be more successful than mine.

I am the luckiest woman in the world. I am married to the one man in LA that hates sports and does not harbor a secret obsession with skinny Asian chicks. Thank God I’m somebody’s type. Gotta love a man that likes big boobies more than basketball!

This guy called me up and said, “I was just listening to Aerosmith and I thought about you.” Yeah, if you listen to Aerosmith, you are bound to think of a chick my age. No one ever said to me, “I was thinking of you when I was listening to Fallout Boy.”

I don’t let myself ever fantasize about anyone else when I am having sex with my husband. I think it’s disrespectful. Now, masturbation is a different story. That’s my time!

In 2001, our phone rang one night and the next day two teenagers were on a plane from GA to move in with us. Now we screen our calls.

I have been in a normal, stable relationship for so long that I thought I wasn’t crazy anymore. But, recently, I got a crush on a 26 year old boy and I found out that when you poke crazy with a stick, it will get up and play no matter how long it’s been asleep.

So this guy I have a crush on says to me, “I’m not a boob man. My type is tall, thin, and brunette.” Great. The anti-me! You forgot young…and male.

I’m reading Eckart Tolle’s book “A New Earth”. It’s all about being in the moment and the Power of Now. I keep trying to stay in the moment. Ok, I’m in the moment right now. Wait, now. No, now, I mean now. Now. I’m in the moment now. Damn it!

A lot of my friends’ mothers were so critical of their weight growing up that they got eating disorders. My mother didn’t give me an eating disorder. She just hated me as a whole. She took the holistic approach to child rearing.

Like all couples, when my husband and I first got married, we had to work out the kinks of living together. Consequently, one night we got in a big fight and I threw a knife at him (one of the kinks). It did not hit him! It hit our dog! It stabbed her in the back and she started yelling and bleeding. So we put her in the car and drove like crazy to the emergency animal hospital. When we got there the doctor demanded to know how it happened. Uh. Um. I said something about loading the dishwasher and the dog running past and knocking the knife out of my hand. I knew it was a bad story, but I didn’t know I would need a story! The guy was very suspicious and for a minute I thought he was going to call Dog Protective Services on me. I could see myself in jail and someone asking “What are you in for?” Uh, knifing the dog. I just wanted to yell out, “I swear to God, I was just trying to stab my husband!”