Old Boyfriends

So in this day and age of the Internet and myspace, we have all by now experienced the horror of being contacted out of the blue by ex-boyfriends. This experience catches you completely off guard. I have now had this experience several times, lucky me (as well as the continuing offer from strange men to pay me $250 to pee on them. I know! How do they know that I always have to pee and I could use the money?)

My old boyfriend from high school contacted me last year (2007) and said, “I have thought about you every single day since high school (I graduated in 1986) especially the 8 years I was in prison.” Great! I gotta go.

This happened to me again recently, and it made me walk down memory lane of boyfriends past.

I once dated a guy who said, “I would never marry a woman that made more money than me.” Really? Then you better cruise the homeless shelters ‘cause you are one broke son-of-a-bitch! I notice you don’t mind whenever I pick up lunch. Never marry a woman that made more money than me Mr. Always- in- the- bathroom- when- the- check- comes motherfucker!

I once dated my dealer. Take it from me, don’t ever break up with your dealer! Now I don’t know what I’m jonsing for- pot or abuse.

One boyfriend, I didn’t actually break up with. I just stopped calling. But, this is a passive aggressive society and if he can’t learn to read between the lines, then fuck him!

The strangest boyfriend I ever had put in a good deal of time and energy into wooing me for about 6 months, then when I gave in, he wouldn’t have sex with me. What the fuck? Believe me, I can get that someone would not want to have sex with me. But, this guy really put in the leg work, you know? Why would he go to so much trouble if he didn’t want to sleep with me?

I keep trying to figure out what he got out of the relationship. It’s not like I was the Sugar Mama. So I paid for Senior Fish a couple of times, big deal. Dating me is not exactly good for your career. I can get you into the Ice House, so what? The thing is, I know he used me...I just can’t figure out for what! He never wanted me, he just wanted me to want him. It was like a bad Cheap Trick song.

I just can’t figure out why he didn’t sleep with me. At first I thought he was gay. But, then I realized, even the gay guys will fuck you (I should know). Then I thought he was religious, but the priests will fuck you, too (again, I know). If he were gay, I would have been fine with that. I don’t mind playing the fag hag; I just want to know the terms up front!

When he contacted me recently it was weird. It was kinda like a booty call, but it was more like a no-booty-for-you call. You know, I could have handled any fetish he threw at me except the not fucking. That’s just weird. Are you sure you don’t just want me to dress up like a Raccoon (or pee on me)? I told myself, “He’s just scared.” And my best friend Sally said, “Well he wasn’t scared of Amy when he was fucking her last week.” She’s a good friend.

There is a limit to the amount of bullshit I will put up with, and evidently it’s about 6 months. Hey, I can find plenty of guys out there to not fuck me! Especially when I whip out the Senior Fish. I just hope that when I die, God will tell me why I was rejected. He will say “Your keys were in the sofa and by the way, Jim was impotent.”

Do you think I am being too harsh? Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t ever fuck over a comedian.