StandUp and Blog!

New Potluck

2009-10-01T15:35:00.001-07:00

I know it’s been a while. I am too busy to put all my new jokes on here, but I’ll give you a taste of what I’ve been working on.

I am a comic, so of course, I hate myself. It has always been that way. Once, when I was a baby, they caught me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with a pacifier.

My first words were, “I can’t take it anymore.”

Even as a baby, I was hitting the bottle way too hard.

I used to write suicide notes on my Etch-a-sketch. “Goodbye cruel mommy!”

I used to play with Suicide Barbie. She came with her own bathtub and razor blades.

I have never felt like I belong. Even the day I was born, I could sense the other babies in the nursery didn’t like me.

I tried to OD on Flintstone vitamins. But, instead, I just got this really healthy immune system.

Before I got married, I was, um what do you call it? A slut! I used to fill this hole in my heart with one-night stand after really awesome one-night stand. But, now that I am older, I can look back on that and see it for what it really was- the best fucking time of my entire life!! And, I miss it!

I’ve been with the same man for so long, I would act out any fantasy he wanted. But, I secretly hope his fantasy is to watch me fuck 20-year old boys!

I have a new relationship, well a textationship. My BFF Sally said, “You need to stop texting that little boy so much.” Yeah, she’s right. By the time we hook-up, his fingers will be useless!

Flattery will no longer get you everywhere. Now you have to put out.

Don’t ever make your stalker your boyfriend. It just causes him to lose interest.

I thought stalkers just freak out when you reject them. No, they freak when you pay attention to them, too.

Someone recently said to me, “That’s my curse; I always seem to hurt women.” Uh, dude, you aren’t cursed. You are just an asshole.

When a boy in his 20s says, “I’m not like the other guys,” that just means he is too young and stupid to know he is JUST like the other guys. Yeah, you’re a unique asshole.

Here’s a good mantra you are free to use if you ever need it:
At least I didn’t blow him. At least I didn’t blow him.

Sally told me this hot friend of ours said, “I used to want to hook-up with Bobbie, but then I met her husband. And, he is so cool! I could never do that to him.” Don’t ever let your boyfriend meet your husband. He will like him more than you! And that is the ultimate cock-block!

The sex drive of a 40-year old woman is TOTALLY different from a 40-year old man. I asked my husband for sex and he said, “Can’t we do it next week?” Next week?! Why not now, tomorrow AND next week? Is it morally wrong to slip someone Viagra in their coffee without their knowledge? Just wondering.

I have always had the sex drive of a 17-year old boy-even when I was a 17-year old girl. When I say, “I’ve been around,” I mean and back.

Success and stability are boring. I finally got my shit together and it bored me. So I had to fuck it up again.

I recently went back to GA and was going to see a bunch of old friends. I was worried about it because I had planned to lose weight before and, of course, I didn’t. My husband said, “Isn’t it enough that you are like 10 times more successful than all of them?” Uh, no! I want to be 10 times more s successful AND skinny! Is that too much to ask?

We went to my in-laws’ cabin in the woods. We could not find it anywhere, so we Google-mapped it. It came back, “Did you mean bumfuck?”

By the way, it was a 3 story cabin-mansion that looked like it had been professionally decorated…by a moose!

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with an old friend and then suddenly realized, “Oh shit! They have become a Republican!?” I felt like our weekend in the woods was the Healthcare Summit. We didn’t get any further than Congress.

I have a very addictive personality. You know why I’m not hooked on crack? Cause I have never tried crack! If I did, I’d be sucking dick in the alley in 15 minutes.

Before I went into rehab (at 16), I was 5’3”. When I came out, I was 5’ 2 ½ “. That ½ inch was my spirit.

I had to go to rehab because my mama found my pot when she was cleaning my room. By ‘found,’ I mean I had 3 joints hidden in the little pantaloons of a porcelain doll on my shell. Fuck, my mama should have been a maid for the CIA.

I have figured out a way to keep your kids off drugs. Do drugs! My kids think everything I do is uncool. I have raised a couple of little straight-edge nerds I would never hang around in high school. Mission accomplished!

Spring Potluck

2009-04-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with my career. Once, I had a really bad one night stand, and I thought to myself, “Well, at least I got a good tape out of it!”

What I want to know is, who do you have to fuck in this town to make it? Jerry Seinfeld? I would totally blow Jerry! And then afterwards, we could eat some cereal.

I hate it when I perform and the person I’m with doesn’t tell me I was funny. Sometimes I will just come out and ask, “I was really funny, right?” And so often the person says, “Of course. That goes without saying.” What? No it doesn’t. Say it god damn it. Say it! A compliment never goes without saying.

Once I got off stage and this guy I was with said, “Some of your stuff was good tonight.” I’m like, “Some of it?” He goes, “Well, I’m just being honest.” Really? Cause I don’t remember asking you your fucking honest opinion on my act or anything else! The only thing I want to hear when I get off stage is, “You were awesome.” And maybe, “You are beautiful. I want to have sex with you.” Anything else, goes without saying!

I used to work at Pasadena City College. One day, a teacher came into my office and slid a Christian pamphlet across my desk and said, "The Lord wanted me to give this to you." I slid it back to her and said, "I think the Lord has me confused with someone else." She goes, “Well, I just wanted to make sure you have some information about Jesus.” I said, “There is no shortage of information out there. Tell you what, when I go home tonight, I promise to Google Jesus!”

Recently, I saw an Amber Alert on TV, and they showed all these pictures that looked like glamour shots of the child from her best day ever. Then a week or so later, they came out with the real pics of her, looking a little chubby, without makeup and her hair all messy. You know, the way she really looks. Here’s some advice for you. People, if you get kidnapped, those old headshots aren’t doing you any favors! Seriously, if I go missing, do NOT show my headshots… or they will never find me! Show them the pics I won’t let you put on Facebook. That’s who the police should be looking for.

I was actually kidnapped when I was 5 years old. I can remember right before he took me and right after I was found. But, I can’t remember anything that happened while he had me. So, I’ve decided to pretend it was all puppies and sunshine. I’m sure he just took me to the circus. I mean, why else would a drunk old man want to be alone with a 5 year old girl?

I have been crazy my whole life. Before I was old enough for real anxiety drugs, they had me on Benadryl. Seriously. Benadryl was my pre-lithium. Benadryl was my psychiatric training wheels. I’ve been crazy for so long, once they found me in my crib trying to cut my wrists with my pacifier. Now I am on medical marijuana for anxiety. I still want to kill myself, but I just keep forgetting.

Have you seen the commercial on TV for the Supersonic Hearing device? Now you can hear what your friends and neighbors are saying about you! Gee, what could go wrong there? In the commercial, these two girls are checking out another girl and say, “Look at her body. She looks great.” Yeah, that’s what people are saying about you behind your back! Right. One day we are going to see on the news a story about a girl killing her group of her friends because she heard what they were saying as she walked away.

I recently got into texting. My iPhone keep changing my words to what it thinks I am trying to type. Seriously, who texts ‘ducking’ that much? No one is texting about a duck. No one is trying to duck you! WTD?

I’m from GA. One of the things I hate about it is all the racism. But, it’s really pretty there. The South would be beautiful if you could get all the racists to hide behind the trees. Everyone duck. How pretty! (That time I really did mean duck).

I love watching the Hollywood red carpet arrivals. I don’t understand why on TV they always criticize the actress for a bad dress. She didn’t make it! Versace fucked up at the Oscars, not Reese Witherspoon!

I’ve been with my husband Chris for 20 years. The other day, I bought his dad a birthday card, and Chris called him to find out if he was going to be in GA or FL for his birthday, and to get the address to mail his card. I told Chris to write it on a piece of paper, and NOT on the envelope. So, not only does he write in on the envelope, but he gets through the entire GA address before his dad says, “but we can’t get mail here.” So, then his dad gives him the FL address, which Chris also writes on the damn envelope right above the GA address! So now there are two addresses on the envelope. So, I get some white labels and cover them up and put the FL address on the envelope and make it all look pretty again. I, then, asked Chris to put a return address and a stamp on it. What does he do? He puts the return address and the stamp upside down on the envelope, the opposite way of his dad’s address. And then I have to fix that, too!

I told that story to my single friend and she said, “Aww. Isn’t that cute?” Yeah, that was cute…in 1989! In 1999, it was charming. But, in 2009, it’s annoying as shit!!

My husband is a geek. While I was in high school partying and screwing around, he was home memorizing the names of all the Jedi.

New Potluck

2009-02-16T02:18:00.000-08:00

I know it’s been a long time since I posted any jokes. I’ve been writing; I just haven’t had time to get on this blog. So, here ya go. Yummy new potluck!

Michael Phelps got busted smoking a bong, and now Kellogg’s dropped him from their ad campaign. Doesn’t Kellogg’s know that their demographic is kids and pot-heads? And kids don’t have any money!

And have you seen those three dudes on the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials? You can’t tell me those freaks aren’t high!

A-Rod admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. But, he added, only with Madonna.

I heard on NPR that in Israel, two political parties are joining together to gain more power. The two parties are The Holocaust Survivor party and, wait for it, The Legalize Cannabis party! That’s right; the chosen people joined the stoned people. The ones who killed Jesus have joined the ones who killed off that pan of brownies. This brings a whole new meaning to the burning bush. Their new slogan should be: Jews for Doobs. Or maybe Heebs for Weed. High on Zion. This is a combo never before seen…except in the Beastie Boys. Ok, I’m done. I promise.

The octo-mom had 6 other kids before delivering octuplets. Three of those 6 kids (50%) were developmentally disabled. And yet, she still used the same sperm donor for all 14 kids! What was she thinking? Of course, I guess it’s obvious from her behavior that the retarded gene probably came from her side.

I like to watch that show Nancy Grace because she follows the Casey Anthony case. My husband hates it and is always complaining about it. I said, “Look, I work really hard. Sometimes I just want to sit down, relax and watch a story about a little girl getting killed! Is that too much to ask?”

There are so many murder-suicides in the news from men who lose their jobs and come home and kill their wives and themselves. I told my husband, “Oh honey. If you lose your job and you ever feel like you just want to end it all and kill yourself…can you please just leave me out of it?” Seriously, what ever happened to good old fashioned suicide?

I have an unusual problem. I have too many opportunities. I am overwhelmed with opportunities. I don’t have time to take advantage of all the opportunities that I have. So, I don’t want to hear about your idea for a show I can produce or a class I can teach or a book I should write. I’m just trying to keep the balls in the air I’m juggling now. In fact, the next damn time opportunity knocks, I’m gonna duck down behind the couch like it’s a fucking Jehovah’s Witness!

I just got on Facebook, and boy is it a mind fuck. I think it was invented by the Universe to teach me life lessons. You know how you always said you would go to your highschool reunion when you are rich enough, thin enough and successful enough? Well, now you don’t have that choice. Facebook is the highschool reunion that comes to you-whether you are ready or not.

I’m so surprised at how many people who were downright mean to me in school are all like “Oh my god, you are a successful comedian in LA! Oh my god that’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” Blah blah blah
I just want to say, “Weren’t you the one who got the whole school calling me Miss Piggy in 8th grade? Well, how you like me now mother fucker?”

I know that I should so be over all that by now. I’m 40 for god’s sake. And, I really ought to thank them. If they hadn’t made my life the same living hell at school that it was at home, I may never have run like hell out of that town and never looked back. So, thanks bullies! How’s that shitty job at the plant working out for you?

(Please note: if you were nice to me in high school, that is not directed toward you!)

On Facebook, everyone constantly updates their status to say what they are doing right now. Look, I barely give a shit about what I’m doing right now. I sure as hell don’t care what you are doing right now. Or in 15 minutes from now.

Facebook is like walking down memory lane - of one night stands. Every guy I ever, um, dated (and I say ‘dated’ but you know what I really mean) has friended me on Facebook. One guy, I had even forgotten about. I’m like “Damn it. I’ve been leaving him off the list for years!” Now where am I? One, two, three, four, five……….wait, do I have to count the girls?

I have discovered a sure-fire way to keep your kids off drugs – do drugs! Seriously, my kids think that drugs are the most uncool thing on Earth. I have raised a couple of straight-edge geeks I would never have hung out with in high school. Mission accomplished.

In the last few years, I have lost weight and gained it again. But, my stalkers have never turned their backs on me (except when I turn around to see if anyone is there). Hell, my stalkers don’t care what I weigh! They just want to kill me for me!

I get so sick of every new comic thinking they are the idiot savant of comedy. One day I got an email from this guy who said I have never performed on stage before, but I guarantee you I am one the top 5 funniest comics in LA. WTF? How insulting! That doesn’t happen in other professions. People don’t walk up to doctors and say, “Look I ain’t never been to no medical school, and I ain’t never performed no surgery, but I am the best damn doctor you ever seen! Now give me that knife thingy.”

Some guy emailed me once and said, “You need to put me in your show immediately because I am the best comic you’ve ever seen. You won’t be disappointed.” You know what? I’m already disappointed -by your email. Try not to disappoint me again.

Once a comedy student said to me, “Bobbie, I give this comedy thing two months. If I’m not famous in two months, I quit.” I said, “You should quit now. And save us all two months of listening to you bitch about it.”

No Joke

2009-01-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Not everything can be comedy, so here is a poem.

Over worked
Over stressed
Over tired
Over cooked
Over it all
Reach out. Don't be afraid
Call out. It's ok
Help
I am drowning in my own success
My own dreams
A river of my own making
Stretched too thin
But not thin
Cause no focus is on me
Not me the person, me the product
All for what?
I grabbed the brass ring and
Sank to the bottom from the weight of it
If I let it go, I can kick my way back up
But, is there anyone left on the surface
To receive me?
Where is me? Who is me?
I am a farmer
My crop will never stop growing
I must never stop sowing
But, when is the time to reap?
When is the time to sleep?
Congratulations me
I made it! I made it
All the way away
So far away from who I long to be
Just me
Me without comedy
No joke

New Potluck

2008-12-22T16:44:00.001-08:00

Archaeologists recently discovered a 2,700 year old tomb in China, and when they opened it, they found 28 ounces of pot! That fat bag of pot was in the tomb for almost 3,000 years. And 15 minutes later, it was gone! The archaeologists were quoted as saying, “It was a little stemy, but the bud was kind!”

The story even described the pot as already prepared for smoking. I guess the last thing you want to do when you wake up from the dead is have to roll your own joints!

I am pot head. For years, I have been using Listerine strips to cover up the smell of pot on my breath when I go out in public. Then, I gave one to my husband the other day, and I realized that it made him smell like he’d been drinking. All this time, I have been trying to hide the fact that I’m a pot head, and all I’ve done is make people think that I’m an alcoholic. So, everyone- I’m not an alcoholic! I'm a pot head. Let’s get it straight!

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, and I have grown very dependent on him. I don’t know what I would do if he died before me. I couldn’t handle it. So, I just lead a way less healthy lifestyle than him so I die first. For example, he rides his bike to work, and I lie on the couch all day. He eats a piece of pie, and I eat two. He takes vitamins, so I smoke crack. I think I have it covered.

But, what if he did die before me? What would I do? I think I would stay in bed for 6 months, then I would fuck little boys for 6 months and then kill myself. I’m just kidding. I would fuck little boys for a year.

My husband made me watch the international break dancing competition. There were teams from countries around the world. At the end, the first AND third place went to South Korea. Japan got second, and America didn’t even place! That is just another example of Asians taking away American jobs!

Over the holidays, we watched one of my very favorites, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” with my British friend Kate. She had NEVER seen Charlie Brown before! She had no idea what was going on. It was so weird to have to catch someone up on Charlie Brown. I was like, “Ok, you see that girl Lucy? She’s a bitch. And that football kick is never going to happen.” She couldn’t understand why everyone was so mean to the bald kid. Come to think if it, me either. Poor Charlie Brown!

I was watching the CNN show Nancy Grace about the Casey Anthony case in Florida. The guest host, Jane Velez-Mitchell said, “Do you think it’s so hard for people to believe that she killed her two year old daughter because she is young and pretty? Do you think people would believe it more if she were fat?” What the fuck?? Fat people kill babies? Is that what you are trying to say? I fucking resent that you skinny bitch! What? Fat people are in a long line at McDonald’s and they are like, “Fuck this shit! I’m gonna kill me a baby!”

So, George Bush got some shoes thrown at him by a reporter in Iraq. It was awesome. Shoe #1 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked. Shoe #2 came flying at Bush’s head, and he ducked again. The Secret Service didn’t even move. They said, “Hell, we never said we would take a shoe for him.” The reporter might get 8 years in prison for the incident. The good news is, when he gets out, he has a multi-million dollar deal with Nike.

My mama had 5 kids before she was 28 years old. No wonder she was crazy! I can’t believe she didn’t drown one of us in the bathtub. I can assure you, if I had 5 kids at 28, there would have been at least one “mishap”. Come to think of it, maybe there used to be 6 of us.

I Worship Comedy

2008-11-25T03:29:00.001-08:00

I’m not a religious person. When you think about it, the only thing I really worship is comedy.

I don’t go to church; I go to comedy clubs.

I don’t recite prayers; I recite jokes.

My prophets are Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Lily Tomlin, and St. George Carlin.

In my church, we don’t pass wine. But, there is a two-drink minimum.

We don’t have wafers; we have chicken tenders.

My bible is my joke notebook. It is after all, the word of ME.

I do not have a crucifix; I have a microphone.

We do not confess, but sometimes we bomb.

In my church, Thou Shalt Kill!

We do not sing; we laugh.

I do not have a pulpit; I have a stage.

I do not crave salvation, but I’d love a little applause!

Can I get an “Amen”?

.

New Potluck

2008-11-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

Obama won! YAY!

I was walking through the campus of CSULA the day after the election. Everyone was so happy, laughing and greeting each other. Even I had a spring in my step. Then I felt a strange feeling in my stomach. It was the total absence of anxiety. And I thought to myself, “this must be what HOPE feels like.” And then someone stole my wallet.

Not everyone is happy. My daddy emailed me and said, "God help us!" He said, "These blacks are really milking it for all it’s worth." I said, "Yeah, and for two whole days now." Haven’t we white people milked it for like 400-500 years?

Obama won but so did Prop 8 banning gay marriage. I guess Americans can only handle one good idea at a time.

Prop 8 passed with the help of millions of dollars from the Mormon and Catholic Church. Are we sure it’s the Muslims that hate us for our freedom?

People said, well the bible says it’s wrong. Oh, the bible said so. Oh, sorry. Ok, let’s pass all of our laws based on the bible then.

Prop 11-No shellfish
Prop 30-Institutes stoning for adultery
Prop 800-You can’t touch a woman while she’s menstruating.
And don’t even get me started on coveting your neighbor’s wife!

You don’t want a separation of Church and State? Move to Iran.

Even Prince came out against gay marriage. You know what? Fuck you, you little purple androgynous motherfucker. You have made a fortune pretending that you suck dick. I’m taking him off my Ipod. Hey Prince, this is what it sounds like when Doves stop selling albums.

This week 104 high ranking military brass released a signed statement asking for don’t ask don’t tell to be struck down and to let gays serve openly in the military. Evidentally, the military has had to lower its standards and let in low IQs and felons so that they can kick out good gay soldiers. They are letting Lenny from Of Mice and Men serve so that can keep out Ellen.

A Christian group came out against the statement and said that the military can not handle openly gay people in their troops. The military responded, yes we can. The Christians said, No you can’t; now shut up and go take a bullet for us!

On a related note, this week saw the naming of the first female four star general. Let’s see, 1776-we declare Independence from England, 1920-women get the vote; 2008-first female 4 star general. Now that’s what I call speedy progress. Wow. Who knows where we will be in another 100 years? Maybe vice president!

I think gay marriage would be great for the failing economy. Think about it: weddings mean banquet hall rentals, florists and caterers, dresses, tuxes, rings, honeymoon trips, gifts, etc. Wow. That’s a lot of spending. In this economy I think gay marriage and the legalization of marijuana might be just what the doctor ordered. The last Depression, it took us a war to get out of it. Maybe this time we just need to get high and get gay married.

There is a new mayoral race in Jerusalem. A rabbi is running against a “secular millionaire.” An old women interviewed on NPR said she is not voting for the rabbi because she does not want Jerusalem to get too religious! Dang. That’s like saying you don’t want Africa to get too black.

I also heard on NPR that Jews are pissed cause Mormons keep baptizing victims of the Holocaust by proxy. Mormons said 'we aren’t saying your religion is wrong, we just want to make sure you don’t go to hell'. The Jews responded, we are the chosen people for Christ’s sake! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who gets annoyed when people pray for me.

This must be what Hope feels like

2008-11-07T16:46:00.001-08:00

I haven’t written about Obama’s victory because I have been in a state of shock and bliss these last few days. Every time Obama won a state, Chris and I cried. When it was announced that he finally won the presidency, we wept like babies and have barely stopped. I have cried almost every time I think about it since then. The day after the election, I was walking through the Cal State LA campus after turning in my comp exam (my last chore for my Masters degree-yay!), and everyone was in such a good mood. Everywhere I looked, people were smiling, laughing and happily greeting each other. I have never seen the campus look like that before. I was feeling so optimistic (an emotion that is very unusual for me), I was almost skipping. I felt this strange feeling inside; it was like an utter lack of anxiety (which is my usual state). Suddenly, it occurred to me: this must be what hope feels like.

Growing up in a small town in Georgia, I know racism. There is a nasty poison that has been swallowed by some white people in the South-that every single thing they don’t have or any opportunity they never got was because a black person took it away from them. I’m not sure where this idea came from since every president up until now has been a white male, and Fortune 500 companies aren’t exactly lacking white faces. The Man is white, or at least he was until last Tuesday. But, many whom you would consider otherwise good people have such a dislike and distrust of black people, other people of color (although in the South there aren’t that many) and foreigners. One of the reasons I moved from Georgia to Los Angeles is because I have always felt out of place with the attitudes of the South (including my family).

When Obama won, I got an email from my daddy (who I have fought with about Obama every time I have talked to lately) and the subject line read: God help us all! He wrote “I know we need change, but a Black president-that’s going too far! You are all wrong.” I guess he means the 52 million Americans that voted for Obama. On the phone the next day he said, “I’m so damn tired of hearing about Martin Luther King. Those blacks are really milking this for all it’s worth.” Yeah. For 2 whole days, too. Um, haven’t we white people been milking it for 400-500 years?

On a sad note, I was very unhappy that Prop 8, the ban on gay marriage, passed in California. I am ashamed of my California brothers and sisters. A large number of minorities that voted for Obama (70% black and 53% Hispanic) voted for the ban. Minorities (and all women) need to recognize that this is the same discrimination that they have suffered. Discrimination is discrimination. Being gay is not a choice (and even if it were, that is no excuse for not having equal rights).

And I am sick of hearing that the Bible says being gay is wrong. It is 2008 in America. “Because the Bible says so” is no longer an acceptable reason to pass a law that affects people’s lives. You believe in the Bible. I don’t. You don’t get to pass laws about my life based on your faerie tales. If you don’t mind having no separation between church and state, move to Iran. The founding fathers were not hard-core Christians, some were even Atheists, and they did not construct a Christian nation. Freedom of religion. My religion says gay people are ok. I am always so amazed at how a godless secular heathen like me is way more loving to my fellow man than most Christians I have met. What would Jesus do? He would love everyone-the black president and gay people who want to marry the person they love.

The Skinny

2008-09-23T15:18:00.001-07:00

Two years ago, I lost 100 lbs and last year, I gained 50 of it back. That’s ok, I’m an optimist. I choose to think of my ass as ½ full!

But I feel like it’s time to talk about the whole journey and tell the truth. I gained weight because being skinny was not what I thought it would be.

I have looked like this all of my life. Like most people, I hate myself. When I got skinny, I found out that I still hated myself. Only then I hated myself but I was really really hungry! And I was like, “You mean to tell me that my self-esteem has no correlation to the size of my ass?”

Being skinny was a mindfuck. I have always thought that I was street smart. But, when I got skinny it was like moving to a different street. I didn’t know any of the rules!

For one thing, everyone was nice to me. It was creepy! I couldn’t tell who the assholes were.

I’d walk into a store like Home Depot, all the male employees would come out, “Can I help you? Can I help you?” Damn. Who knew it was so easy to buy a hammer?

My male friends got all weird on me. Like I have always been very flirty. I would say things like, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” The guy would be like “Yeah, we should.” Then I got skinny and I’d say, “Hey we ought to hook up sometime.” They’d be like, “give me two minutes I’ll bring the car around.” No wait! I was kidding. We don’t have to consummate every joke!

Then all my guy friends started giving me the full- body hug. I didn’t even know that existed. They all were touching and squeezing and full-body hugging. It made me not want to go to open mics anymore. God I thought comedians were annoying enough.

I worked out 2 hours a day. The more I worked out, the more my guy friends got touchy/feely. I felt like I was in training for a date rape!

Suddenly everyone noticed me. It was like going from being invisible to being famous over night. One day, I’m sitting in a restaurant, writing in my joke notebook, and some guy walks up to my table. “Nice journal. Where’d you get it?” I start going “Oh, just Target or some place like that,” then I look down and see it’s just a composition book. Nice journal? I fell for nice journal? God, leave me alone! Can’t a girl sit alone in a Holiday Burger and wait for her drug dealer in peace?

This guy almost ran over me in the parking lot one day commenting on my “I heart Eagle Rock” bumper sticker. “You love Eagle Rock? I love Eagle Rock! Do you live in Eagle Rock? I live in Eagle Rock” I’m like “damn that dude really loved Eagle Rock.” My best friend Sally said “he loved what you loved. If you loved Jesus, he would’ve loved Jesus. If you loved Darwin, he would’ve loved Darwin. He didn’t heart Eagle Rock. He hearts your booty.” I found out that when a guy walks up to you, you have to shut him down immediately. Now I know why Sally is such a bitch!

People were constantly commenting on my body. “Oh my God, let me look at you. Turn around. How much do you weigh now?” I felt like I was on the auction block. I kept waiting for someone to ask to examine my teeth. I was like, “Um, could we please talk about something other than my ass?”

Also, I felt like I had switched sides and joined the enemy. People acted like I was now “in the club” and started to make fun of fat people in front on me. One day a good friend called me a skinny bitch. At first I was like “thanks!” Then I realized, oh wait, that’s bad.

I actually became even sluttier, if you can believe it. I exhausted my husband. I thought he was going to take out a restraining order to keep me 50 feet from the bed!

People acted really weird when I gained weight again. Like it was some kind of personal affront against them. I’m like, “I’m miserable, people! Give me a break! I didn’t give up cheese for this!”

I mean I even had stalkers. In fact, that part never changed. I still have stalkers. When you think about it, my stalkers were the only ones who really stuck with me though all this. So, thanks crazy guys!

Help! I don’t have a penis!

2008-09-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with Wachovia bank. I recently bought myself a VW Beetle. I was calling to confirm that Wachovia received the insurance information that they were requesting, and that I had the insurance company fax to them. To my surprise, they REFUSED to confirm if they received the information or not until my husband called them and told them they could speak to me. Here is the strange part: it’s my car, my loan! I bought it without my husband even being there!! I put him on the loan as a co-signer. I am the primary borrower. He showed up at the end to sign his name when every thing was done.

When he called Wachovia, he sternly told them that it is my car, not his. The woman at Wachovia said, “Well, you are a co-signer, so you will be responsible if she doesn’t pay.” He said, “Yes, I am the CO-signer; she is the borrower. Why am I the only one listed on the loan?” The response was, “Well, Mr. Oliver, that’s how we do it here at Wachovia.”

That’s how they do it? Based on what? I know what. My husband possesses something I will never have - a PENIS. What other reason could it be? Think this is an isolated incident? It’s not. Keep reading.

I have filed joint taxes with my husband for 17 years. I am the one who goes to H&R Block every year and has the taxes done (usually without him going at all). I take the papers to him when they are complete, and he signs his part. Recently, I noticed that H&R Block has him listed as the “taxpaper,” and I am listed as the “spouse.” WTF? I asked them why. H&R Block replied “That’s how we do it.” I asked, “Based on what?” Here are the facts: alphabetically my name comes before his, my social security number is numerically before his, I make more money than he does (primary breadwinner), and THEY HAVE NEVER EVEN MET HIM! How did they respond? “Well, he’s the husband.”

I have done everything I can in my life to be a strong, independent woman. I own my own business, have bought every car-and our freaking house in Georgia-by myself without my husband’s involvement. I handle all the bills, manage the household. I have a Master’s degree for God’s sake. But, I will never have the one thing I guess I need to be considered a “borrower” or a “taxpayer.” I am now, and may forever be, THE SPOUSE. Well, they can suck my non-existent dick!

Don't Panic!

2008-09-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

What I Believe

2008-09-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Republican VP pick Sarah Palin has spoken. Now it’s clear that on both sides there are young, charismatic newcomers and really old experienced white guys. We’re even. But are we? Now it’s time to figure out who supports what you believe.

What I believe…

I believe in choice. A woman should have the right to decide if she wants/needs to have an abortion.

I believe in gay rights, including marriage.

I believe in science, including Evolution, stem-cell research, sex education, and photo-synthesis.

I believe that torture is wrong, no matter who does it, or what border they fall behind.

I believe in Universal Healthcare.

I believe in the separation of Church and State.

I believe that we are all one people with the same rights, even if we are considered “illegal.”

I believe that a man who was born poor, raised by a single mother, and earned his way into Harvard is not an elite. But, you can’t make a rich daddy’s boy with bad grades who gets into Yale not elite just by putting a cowboy hat on him.

I believe that taxes should be used for social services, schools, and infrastructure- not war.

I believe people should get tax breaks, not corporations.

I believe that if you don’t know how many houses you have, it’s not surprising you think the economy is fine.

I believe if you really support the troops, you will not deploy them in unjust wars.

I believe that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are not the same guy.

I believe that fundamentalist Christians are just as scary as fundamentalist Muslims.

I believe that pandering to large corporations is strangling this country.

I believe in preserving the environment.

I believe we should not give up our civil liberties out of fear. I am not afraid. “Give me liberty or give me death!”

I believe that lies are getting us nowhere.

I believe that your vote counts the same as mine. Please don’t just listen to sound bites. Do your homework. Find the candidates that support what You believe.

Sarah Palin

2008-09-02T14:27:00.001-07:00

Attention Women:

Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton! Yes, she has a vagina. But, she wants to keep the rest of us from using ours. She is staunchly pro-life (unless you are a polar bear).
She is against everything Hillary has fought for her entire life!

Sarah Palin has 5 kids, including a special-needs infant. Isn’t she busy? My mama had 5 kids and she barely had time to pee, much less run for Vice President (but, if she did, she would know what the VP does all day, unlike Palin). And, everyone I know who has 5 kids is crazy from it. I can see balancing work and family with one or two kids, but 5?

Sarah Palin is against sex-education. I can think of at least on 17-year old Alaskan high school girl who would have benefited from the condom talk: Palin’s daughter. I raised two teenagers myself, and somehow managed to have no teen pregnancies occur. I guess us Atheist heathens just have better family values.

Palin said that the US soldiers in Iraq were fighting a war for God. Um, isn’t that called a JIHAD?? She also said that it was God’s will to have the $30 million gas pipeline in Alaska she was for. It is also God’s will for me to have that new pair of red pumps I’ve been eyeing, so could you all pray for that, please?

Palin and McCain will take away a woman's right to choose. If you can't remember or can't imagine what this country was like for women before Roe VS Wade, I suggest you watch the documentary "Lake of Fire.” Poor women desperate to terminate an unwanted pregnancy would often die trying to do it themselves. Not rich women. There was always a doctor who would take care of them.

You know why women never had much of a place in American society until the last few decades? It's because we were having babies until we literally dropped dead. It’s kinda hard to hang out in the basement for 10 years perfecting the phonogram when you have 12 kids hanging off your tits.

Women- do not fall for that glass ceiling crap they are spouting. She will break that glass on the backs of us all.

WE WILL NOT GO BACK! I'll make a deal with you Republicans: you can keep your guns as long as you keep your laws off my body. You have the right to bear arms. I have the right not to bear a child! YOU CAN HAVE MY ABORTION WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!

Pot O' Jokes

2008-08-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

I think the fact that my parents don't believe in Evolution and I do... proves it's true.

A woman I know told a reporter that is doing a story on me that I could "drink you under the table." (What kind of fucked up thing is that to say to a reporter?) I said, "Me"? "I don't drink." She was like, "That's not what I heard." I said, "Are you sure she didn't say I could smoke you under the table... or I would DO you under the table?" The more I tried to defend myself, the more I sounded like someone in denial. I wanted to shout, "I'm not an alcoholic! I swear. I'm a pothead! Get it straight, damn it."

I found out that my daddy just went on a date. Then I heard that the highest rate of STDs right now is among Seniors. Shit. Now I have to have the condom talk with my daddy? He didn't even have it with me! I just got used to talking to my kids about sex; I can't talk to my daddy. Can't I just GET an STD instead? Please!

Tuesday's Earthquake

2008-08-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower when the Earthquake hit. The whole tub started shaking (like Nature’s Jacuzzi). I was like, “Do I jump out or rinse off?” Then I thought, “I don’t care what happens, the water might turn off, and I can’t survive the aftermath with Dove bodywash in my private parts.” And I know my family. They would never give up their emergency earthquake water to get soap out of my patutie.

I couldn’t remember what to do. Do I lie down in the bath tub? No, that’s for a Tornado. Do I tape up the windows? No, that’s a Hurricane. Do I duck and cover? No, that’s for a nuclear bomb. I had no idea what to do for an Earthquake. So, I just stopped, dropped, and rolled…and played dead.

Everything was ok, but we did lose some valuables. We lost a tiki mug and my Janis Joplin doll. Which was really sad, cause I’m 40, and what does it say about my life that THOSE are my valuables?

Family Potluck

2008-08-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

I just spent a week in Florida visiting my husband’s family. I brought my joke notebook, but unfortunately, my in-laws are so nice that I couldn’t write any jokes! They are so sweet and positive that it’s creepy! After a few days, I couldn’t handle it. I was so out of sorts, I had to call my family… so they could criticize me stat!

That’s why I used to get freaked out by Leave it to Beaver. Nothing bad ever happened. No one ever yelled. Wally & Beaver were always scared their dad was gonna “clobber” them, but did they EVER get hit? Not even during sweeps! I used to get beat once a week with a leather strap whether I needed it or not. My mama shot my daddy once. That’s the sitcom I want to see!

At dinner the first night, we are sitting there with Chris’ parents, grandmother, brother, his wife and two kids and suddenly Chris’ daddy goes, “oh, I have something you might want. This guy I know gave it to me and I have no use for it.” He gets up from the table, goes into his room, comes back and throws a baggie on the table in front of everyone with 3 joints in it! He goes, “you have a use for this, right?” My husband and I just sat there with our mouths open. He kept going, “you can use this right? Can you use this?” Finally I said, “yes, we can use it. Thanks!” And everyone acted completely normal. I kept waiting for Aston Kutcher to jump out and tell me I’ve been punked (or Allen Funt depending on your age). It was shitty pot, btw, but it was totally worth it!

I just found out what my family in Georgia really thinks about me. They think I think I am better than them. That is really surprising to me. I always just assumed that they knew I was better than them!

Obama

2008-06-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

I’m for Obama now. I voted for Hilary, and I supported her till the end (even when it seemed like she was beating a dead horse). I really wanted her to be president, ½ because I dig her, and ½ because I really wanted to see the first woman president. I was a child when Geraldine Ferrara was on the Democratic ticket for VP, and I didn’t think I would be this old to see even a chance of it again. Maybe next time it will be me. (I did just get my Masters in Public Administration last week.)

But now it is time for Hilary supporters to rally behind Obama. It’s over people. I know a lot of you are threatening to vote for McCain, and I beg you to pull your head out of your ass, I mean reconsider. I will give you the same advice I gave my daddy just yesterday:

When you listen to Obama and McCain speak, close your eyes. Forget that Obama is black; forget he has a funny name you can’t pronounce. Forget your fears that he is a secret Muslim (I wouldn’t care if he were as long as he wasn’t a Fundamentalist. We have had 8 years of Fundamentalism in the White House and it scares the shit out of me even when it’s called Christianity). Forget McCain is an old white guy that looks like he hangs out at the Moose Lodge (trust me, he doesn’t). Just listen. Listen to what they are for and against.

Obama’s policies are a lot closer to Clinton than McCain’s. I know that McCain is not Bush, but he is drinking the Kool-Aide and it’s not the cool kind. He is pandering to the far right to get elected, and he has modified some of his past beliefs to gain their support. We don’t need another pro-war, pro-life, pro-rich, pro-pissing off the rest of the world administration. I’m sure McCain is a nice guy, and he has done a lot of reaching across the aisle in the Senate. But, I am ready to see America as it used to be: a country that doesn’t torture people, doesn’t attack other countries for no reason, one that has health care for everyone, and clean air and water. If you are a Republican, vote for McCain if you wish (but consider Obama please). If you are a Democrat, do not betray us and put another Republican in the White House. Let the rest of the world look at us and see that we really are a melting pot and that the decisions of the past 8 years don’t represent us.

Let’s end the reign of the white guy! Off to buy an Obama bumper sticker now…

Potluck of the Week

2008-06-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was born with a plastic spork. And it wasn’t in my mouth!

You know how people always say their cooking is made with the special ingredient of love? My mama had a special ingredient, too. She cooked with spite.

My friend likes guys that are mean to her. Not me; I like nice guys. She said, “Well what about the boy that pulled your hair in kindergarten?” I said, “Even at 5, I knew that was a red flag!”

I just turned 40. My niece called me and said “You’re over the hill!” I said, “I like it on this side of the hill. There’s lots of money and self-esteem over here.”

I Blog, Therefore I Am

2008-05-25T20:35:00.001-07:00

Potluck of the Week

I am about to celebrate my 20^th year in comedy. My comedy career is almost old enough to drink. My comedy career is old enough to have its own comedy career. And that comedy career has had enough time to be more successful than mine.

I am the luckiest woman in the world. I am married to the one man in LA that hates sports and does not harbor a secret obsession with skinny Asian chicks. Thank God I’m somebody’s type. Gotta love a man that likes big boobies more than basketball!

This guy called me up and said, “I was just listening to Aerosmith and I thought about you.” Yeah, if you listen to Aerosmith, you are bound to think of a chick my age. No one ever said to me, “I was thinking of you when I was listening to Fallout Boy.”

I don’t let myself ever fantasize about anyone else when I am having sex with my husband. I think it’s disrespectful. Now, masturbation is a different story. That’s my time!

In 2001, our phone rang one night and the next day two teenagers were on a plane from GA to move in with us. Now we screen our calls.

I have been in a normal, stable relationship for so long that I thought I wasn’t crazy anymore. But, recently, I got a crush on a 26 year old boy and I found out that when you poke crazy with a stick, it will get up and play no matter how long it’s been asleep.

So this guy I have a crush on says to me, “I’m not a boob man. My type is tall, thin, and brunette.” Great. The anti-me! You forgot young…and male.

I’m reading Eckart Tolle’s book “A New Earth”. It’s all about being in the moment and the Power of Now. I keep trying to stay in the moment. Ok, I’m in the moment right now. Wait, now. No, now, I mean now. Now. I’m in the moment now. Damn it!

A lot of my friends’ mothers were so critical of their weight growing up that they got eating disorders. My mother didn’t give me an eating disorder. She just hated me as a whole. She took the holistic approach to child rearing.

Like all couples, when my husband and I first got married, we had to work out the kinks of living together. Consequently, one night we got in a big fight and I threw a knife at him (one of the kinks). It did not hit him! It hit our dog! It stabbed her in the back and she started yelling and bleeding. So we put her in the car and drove like crazy to the emergency animal hospital. When we got there the doctor demanded to know how it happened. Uh. Um. I said something about loading the dishwasher and the dog running past and knocking the knife out of my hand. I knew it was a bad story, but I didn’t know I would need a story! The guy was very suspicious and for a minute I thought he was going to call Dog Protective Services on me. I could see myself in jail and someone asking “What are you in for?” Uh, knifing the dog. I just wanted to yell out, “I swear to God, I was just trying to stab my husband!”

Found Joke

2008-04-17T14:40:00.001-07:00

I just switched over to a new joke notebook that I bought a while back. When I opened it, I found a joke I had written in it and forgot about. Yay! It's like putting on a jacket and finding money in the pocket. So, without further adieu, the "found" joke:

Recently, I went on the Sallie Mae website to get some info on my student loan. I had to create a log-in name and password, and then it asked me a series of questions that they could ask me later if I forget my password. I was expecting the question “what is your mother's maiden name” and even “what was your first pet,” but I was not prepared for “What is your biggest fear?” WTF?

First of all, I had to run down a whole list to figure out my biggest fear, hmmm….what am I afraid of: let’s see…there’s people, places, things, nouns in general really, grocery stores, Republicans, dying alone, snakes. Snakes! That’s my biggest fear. So I typed it in and then I thought. That’s a lot of information for Sallie Mae to have. They know my social security number, where I live, and now my biggest fear! Fuck, George Orwell was right. What if Sallie Mae puts a snake in my house so they can steal my identity? Oh, shit. I think I have a new biggest fear!

Potuck of the Week

2008-04-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

So this guy says to me, “Face it, men age like wine and women age like milk.” I have to admit, there is some truth to that. I have never seen a wine that could get it up either.

I finally learned how to text! I’m getting good, too. Now, I can just as quickly get pissed off at something you said in a text as over the phone or email.

So, this same guy asks me what I think about Obama’s new speech about people in the Midwest clinging to guns and religion. I said, “Well, I agree with him, but I’m sure they don’t want to hear it.” He goes, “So if you have (have?) a beautiful woman and she gains weight, can she get mad if you tell her to lay off the double-doubles?”

Well it depends. Did she ask you your fucking opinion on anything? I don’t think so. What if you have a man with a little dick? Can you tell him his dick is too small? What if he doesn’t make enough money? Can you tell his sorry ass that? Go ahead and tell “your” woman to lay off the double-doubles. Then there will be no in- and- out for you for a while. You can jack your own box. I need a man who can Supersize me. He goes, “Are we still talking about Obama?” I’m like, “Who?” I would never elect to be with a guy like that. All that conversation did was make me want a double-double.

Have you ever been so pissed off at someone you couldn’t even masturbate to them? Me, either, but it was close!

I’m so paranoid, whenever I fantasize about someone, I have to imagine where my husband is and where the kids are so I’m not getting busted in the fantasy. Then, I think, “Ok, imagine you are at his house…now... where’s his mom?” (cougar joke)

Cougaring

2008-04-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

The cougar is back in the cage. I am done. I’m out. I give up. I’m throwing in the towel. I have officially had enough. I have had enough of the drama, the hating on old people, the “me me me” attitude. Don’t they know it’s all about me me me? I am not your mama. I’m your sugar mama. There is a difference fucker. I am not here to stroke you and never be stroked in return. It’s not enough for you to show up and look good and throw me a bone every now and then. If I were a dog, that’d be great. I’m not. You should be happy to be with a woman like me. I am the comedy guru of Pasadena! Don’t you know who I am?

Sally writes: Another said Cougar has renounced her feline status. Sally Mullins has decided that No Cunt For Young Men will be the big winner at her box office this season. After a Superbowl weekend/cougar party debacle, in which a 23 year old fell asleep with his hand on her tit and ran out her room the next morning, Mullins has decided not to prowl for men in their twenties. Other incidents included a 25 year old who repeatedly cancelled so he could take naps and a 32 year old who kept calling her "Cougar Momma" incessantly. "He was a bit long in the tooth to be making me the saber tooth tiger,' complains Mullins- who got a 34 ½ year old in the door the day after her cougar party to get the job done." I had to buy some coke, but by golly he worked his ass off." Says ex-cougar Mullins, "30 plus guys know shit like this (points to vagina) doesn't grow on trees."

Why Men Are Better Than Boys

2008-04-10T15:10:00.001-07:00

They don’t call you m’am.
They know booty doesn’t grow on trees.
If you throw them a piece of ass, they will take it and be grateful.
They occasionally pay for at least their ½.
They don’t forget to text (they forget to call).
They don’t ignore you on myspace because they don’t even know what that is.
They don’t think they are going to be the next big thing; they know they’re not.
They newness of alcohol has worn off.
They don’t hate on old chicks.
They don’t know how to text, but they know how to put out.

Fake Boyfriends

2008-04-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

You've heard of friends with benefits? Well, I like to have fake boyfriends with no benefits. See, I would never cheat on my husband, but I sure do like the IDEA of getting with some little cutie in his 20s (of which there are many in my comedy class). And lots of little cuties look to me to help them with their comedy career. I sure would like to take advantage of that situation!! But, alas, I can't. So, I have fake boyfriends.

What do you get as my fake boyfriend? Why, you get all of the drama of being my boyfriend, but none of the sex! What a deal! If you act now, you can get crazy late night texts in the middle of the night and jealous hissy fits if you hook up with other girls. The fake boyfriend plan does not include: sex, kissing, or blowjobs! As my fake boyfriend, you are required to compliment me and flirt with me at all times. I require a lot of attention! But, as your sugar mama, I will pay for everything, and as an added bonus, provide you with lots of stage time (this offer applies to comedians only). Call my 800 number if you wish to apply.

Potluck Jokes

2008-04-03T00:57:00.000-07:00

I used to date a priest. Not a Catholic priest, an Episcopal priest. They are allowed to get married. But, they aren't allowed to do what we did!

I had to get a bunch of stuff done at the dentist lately because I have bad teeth. The office girl told me my insurance would cover it, and then after it was over, said “Oops, I was wrong. You owe us $1,000…and we need that today.” I said “you told me I was covered or I wouldn’t have had the work done.” Then she holds up a giant phone book of benefits and said “Didn’t you get one of these?” Yeah bitch. I got it. But, I didn’t read it! That’s what you are for. Isn’t that why you went to Bryman?

I love my dentist, but I hate the dental assistant. She is too rough with that damn suction. I’m like, “stop shoving that thing down my throat; I’m not your prom date bitch!” So today they put on my chart that I don’t want that assistant anymore. There are so many things on my chart.

They used to call me like 3 times to confirm every appointment. It would drive me crazy, so one day I went off on them and told them that they are only allowed to call me once per appointment. If I don’t cancel, I’ll fucking be there! So once they had to call me twice because there was a change to the appointment and the girl was like “I know you don’t like to be called more than once. It says on your chart not to call you more than once. I’m so sorry to be calling you. Please don’t be mad that I called you more than once.” I told my husband, “damn I guess they got the point; maybe the gun was a little too much.”

My husband and I are about to turn 40. We have been together since we were 20. Being the same age as him has made me realize how different men and women really are. When we were younger, he wanted to have sex constantly, and I could take it or leave it. I think I even went two years once without enjoying it at all. But, now that I am almost 40, I am a god-damn sex maniac. I am such the stereotypical woman in her late 30s. I have the sex drive of a 17 year old. No wonder I like 17 years old so much lately! I look at young boys who walk by and where I used to think “little hoodlum” now I think “I have got to get a piece of that!” I see men as sex objects only now. I don’t care about them as people at all. Now I see why the boys in high school were so obnoxious. No wonder. It’s hard to be horny all the time!

My husband is not having the same experience as he turns 40. Now, he could take sex or leave it. At the very least, he sure as hell doesn’t want to do it as much as I do. So since I have the sex drive of a 40 year old woman, and he has the sex drive of a 40 year old man, my husband has established some rules.

Chris’ rules:

1. We can only have sex once a day. (I know!)

2. We can only have sex 3 times over 4 days. (This totally breaks rule #1)

3. If you don’t initiate before 10pm, you don’t get it. (To be fair, he works 2 jobs)

I think those rules are unacceptable! Especially rule #2. I remember a time when he wanted to have sex 3 times a day, and I just gave in to shut him up. Couldn’t he just give in to shut me up? I have 3 rules, too, but mine are much more reasonable.

Bobbie’s rules:

1. No morning sex (Too bright in the room & I have bad breath)

2. I get off first. (And usually 2^nd, and sometimes 3^rd)

3. And, most important-No one cums in my mouth! (I established this one in college and it has served me well)

I have been monogamous for twenty years. Last time I had sex with someone other than my husband, gas was $1. Prince was on the charts. I’m pretty sure “When Doves Cry” was playing in the background. When I was single, I was a liberated woman, ok a whore. But I fucking loved every minute of it! But, when I got together with Chris, I gave all that up (except that one time before we got married when we broke up for a weekend). Do you have any idea what it’s like to be monogamous for the last twenty years when the first twenty years you were a slut? It ain’t easy! I’m still that same person that wants to fuck hitchhikers (only now very young hitchhikers), but I can’t! I think I should get some kind of extra credit over some women who never liked sex who are faithful. That doesn’t require effort! But, for a nymphomaniac to be monogamous, that takes effort!

Potluck O' The Week

2008-03-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

The actress who played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island just got busted for possession of marijuana. She is 69 years old. I guess that solves the old "Ginger vs. Mary Ann" debate. Mary Ann has weed. Gilligan got busted for pot, too. I'm starting the think that island wasn't half bad. I bet the Professor made a hell of a coconut bong.

The other day this woman I know came up to me and said, "My friend Becky said she saw you buying pot at the pot clinic." Really? Becky told you that, did she? Did she tell you my age and my weight, too? What the fuck happened to anonymous? I guess that's only if you're sober. There is no pothead anonymous. Well, Becky, it might be legal, but pot etiquette still applies!

I was looking through a Playboy, and I don't understand why women don't have pubic hair anymore. When we were kids, we wanted to get pubes. Now little girls are like, "I can't wait till I grow up and get pubic hair so I can shave it off."

I was raped when I was 12 years old, or as we call it in GA, headstart.

The new governor of New York is blind. I heard them ask on the news "how will he be able to handle the subtle nuances of politics?" Um, I think he can handle it. If George Bush can pull it off, believe me Helen Keller could get it done.

New Potluck

2008-02-12T01:29:00.000-08:00

I heard on NPR today that the situation in Kenya is getting really intense. Not only are they having riots and murders, but people are sending “Hate Texts”. That’s right, text messages of hate. People must have furious thumbs. “OMG I H8 U!”

Is anyone else watching Celebrity Rehab? I love that show! I totally can relate to Jeff Conway from Grease. You know, I think Celebrity Rehab is actually helping me! My husband’s asks, “How was your day honey?” I’m like, “Kenickie and I had a break- through in group.” I guess it’s cheaper than real rehab.

In California, people really put their kids on a pedestal. I have never seen such extravagant birthday parties for a child. In Georgia, you were lucky you didn’t get a whipping on your birthday, much less a moon bounce. We didn’t even know what a piñata was. We just hit the gas tank with a stick.

I voted for Hilary. I just heard someone say they would never vote for her because of how she handled the whole Monica Lewinsky thing. I think she handled that with class. America is very lucky I am not first lady. I would have thrown Bill’s ass out on the White House lawn, cigars and all. I would have slashed the tires on Air Force One. They would have found Monica strangled to death with that blue dress. Then I would have fucked Al Gore.

Barack Obama has a secret. No, he's not a Muslim; he smokes cigarettes. He needs to quit immediately. We cannot have a smoker as President of the United States. I can’t imagine him stepping outside the UN in the middle of a meeting cause he's having a nicotine fit. We can't be going to war, Obama, cause you ain't got no nicarette! I know Clinton loved his cigars. But, I don't think he was smoking them.

Funeral Humor

2008-01-30T01:20:00.001-08:00

My mother just passed away and I had to go to GA for her funeral. It was very hard, but very strange, as well. I felt like I was the star of some coming-of-age indy film about the freak who goes back home to deal with the death of her cold and distant mother and her estranged redneck family. It was very surreal and I will share with you some of the highlights.

First, Delta Airlines does not have a bereavement discount. I did not know this until I paid for the one-day notice airplane tickets for two from California to Georgia. Actually, they do have a bereavement discount, but only for Alaska and Hawaii. Don’t they know that people die in all 50 states? What is so special about Hawaii? At least if someone dies, you get to go to Hawaii! I had to go to Georgia!

So, I got into a fight with the funeral home. That’s right. You heard me. At my mother’s funeral, they gave my daddy a package to take home. When he gets it home, he opens it up and it’s the bill.

So, when I got back to California, I emailed the funeral home and told them I didn’t think they should give the bill to the family at the funeral. I suggested they mail the bill to the family. Every other business in America can mail a bill, why not them?

Then, the woman from the funeral home writes me back a mean email! She said it’s not a bill it’s a “statement” and they are required to give it to the person responsible and WHY DON’T I CALL THE FUNERAL HOMES IN LA AND FIND OUT HOW THEY DO IT. WTF? Oh no you didn’t bitch! This is who they send to deal with the grieving people?

I wrote back, “First of all, you can call it whatever you like but a bill is a bill; second, I understand that you have to give it to someone but not at their wife’s funeral; and third, I watch Six Feet Under and you ain’t fooling anybody bitch!”

The funeral itself was very religious, which was so not my mama. She was a very controlling woman. She was never a WWJD kind of gal. Unless it was What Would Jean Evans Do? That’s her name.

My favorite part is that everyone I talk to keeps saying, “Oh, your father will probably die now.” What? My daddy is only 60! “Yeah, but that’s what happens. The wife dies then the husband can’t bear to be without her and he dies, too.” Please, stop helping!

At the funeral, my brother Eddie kept saying to every person who walked up to me, “Be careful. Everything you say to Bobbie can and will be used against you on stage.” It was cute the first 100 times. Then I started thinking maybe he was pissed about something. Then I realized none of my brothers were really talking to me. Hmm. Do you think they are mad about all the jokes calling them fucking idiots? I didn’t think this through.

My niece says to me, “Hey tell us that joke.” “What joke?” “The one on your website about me being pregnant on Chrystal Meth.” Fuck. I gotta go. It’s not my fault. She shouldn’t have been pregnant on Chrystal Meth. She knew her aunt was a comedian.

My brother Eddie got fat. My rail thin brother who used to terrorize me as a child with fat jokes that were completely unprovoked and vicious is now fat. I really wanted to just spew every criticism on him that he ever tortured me with. I wanted to say, “Hey Eddie, hope the house doesn’t catch on fire and we all have to haul ass ‘cause you’d have to make two trips!” I wanted to do that but that behavior is not as becoming a 40 year old as it is a child. I don’t think I could get away with it now. Damn life’s cruel jokes!

So, as mentioned before in this blog, my oldest brother and his wife are insane religious fanatics. My husband and I are atheist liberal commie pinkos who believe in crazy things like evolution, gravity, and photosynthesis. My brother said, “How can you believe in evolution?” I said, “You believe Jonah was in the belly of a whale!!” He said, “Oh, I can show you proof of that!”

His wife said, “You believe that if you put a watch in the ground for a hundred years you can dig it up and it would be life?” WTF? Is that what they teach you evolution is in home school? No wonder they don’t believe in it.

I said “You believe that Noah gathered up two of every animal on Earth
and put them on a boat.”
She said, “No we don’t! Noah didn’t gather up the animals. God called
them up.”
I said, “How do you know that?”
“Because the Bible says so.”
I said, “Well Catcher in the Rye says a lot of stuff to, but I don’t live
my life by it.”
“Catcher in the Rye wasn’t written by God.”
“Neither was the Bible…for Christ’s sakes!” Oops. Sorry. I got carried away.

I had a long discussion with my brother about religion, politics, abortion, racism (get this: the white man can’t catch a break in Mississippi. Really? Mississippi?), everything we disagreed on basically. Then, about a week after I get home, he calls me up and says, “I’ve decided you’re not evil.” I was thinking “Well, I’ll call you back when I decide you’re not an idiot.”

New Potluck

2008-01-30T01:19:00.000-08:00

New potluck jokes...

I’m getting old. I know I’m old because now I use my roach clip to pull whiskers out of my chin.

The LA City Council just banned the N word. Seriously. It is against the law to use the N word. But, only within 5 feet of a building.

I used to be obsessed with this website of a prison in Texas that listed death-row prisoners’ crimes and their last meal requests. I was fascinated by the horrible things these men had done and what they liked to eat. I thought maybe I could find a pattern. But, alas, there was never a fried chicken/child murder correlation.

I just went to the Helen, GA, and it is just like Big Bear and every other quaint little mountain tourist trap. Who decided that mountains + candle shops + fudge + Swiss chalet shaped hotels = fun? Just add tubing and you’ve got yourself a vacation!

I bet when we were Cavemen, there was a dude with a sign that read “The end is near.”

One night my husband and I were watching the Hip Hop awards and he looked at me and said, “Bitch you better watch yo ass.” I said, “What the fuck did you just say to me?” He goes, “Oh, sorry, I’ve been watching too much BET.”

I just read the new Steve Martin book “Born Standing Up”. He took his father to see “The Jerk” and afterward someone asked his father what he thought of it and he said, “Well, he’s no Charlie Chaplin.” Damn. Who the fuck do you have to be before your parents recognize that you are someone? I bet Charlie Chaplin’s dad said, “Well, he’s no Fattie Arbuckle.” My mama said to me, “You’re no Steve Martin.” Where does that leave me? Oh to be Fattie Arbuckle!

Everytime I buy pot, I buy $240 worth. Now when I go to the ATM, it says “do you want your usual $240?” Fuck. They are keeping track of my pot purchases. The ATM machine is a narc!

Last night I was watching that show “Intervention” where they follow around addicts and videotape their family’s intervention. And they had an intervention for a fat guy! Seriously. Can you imagine you come home one day and your friends and family are gathered around to tell you that you are a fatass…and they taped it…and showed it on TV! “John, we are really concerned about your pizza consumption.” You’d be like, “Billy is on crack! You said this was an intervention for him. And you said there’d be pizza!” That’s why whenever I walk into a room and see more than 3 people I know gathered, I turn around and walk the fuck out.

I was talking to the guy at the coffee house trying to figure out the difference between a medium and a large. He said, “8 oz.” I don’t know 8 oz. I can’t visualize 8 oz. I know how many 1/8s in a quarter and how many ¼ s are in an ounce. I don’t know kilos though. I could never do a drug that made you learn the metric system.

I used to know this guy named Gary. I would say, “How was your day Gary?” He’d say, “You’ll never believe what stupid thing Homer said today.” I was intrigued until I realized he was talking about The Simpsons. He would talk about TV characters like they were people. He said, “Oh my God, Darhma was at the store with Greg’s mom, and you know how she’s so snotty and bitchy…” We were gossiping about sitcoms. And not very good ones. Don’t you know any real people we can talk shit about?

Old Boyfriends

2008-01-30T01:18:00.000-08:00

So in this day and age of the Internet and myspace, we have all by now experienced the horror of being contacted out of the blue by ex-boyfriends. This experience catches you completely off guard. I have now had this experience several times, lucky me (as well as the continuing offer from strange men to pay me $250 to pee on them. I know! How do they know that I always have to pee and I could use the money?)

My old boyfriend from high school contacted me last year (2007) and said, “I have thought about you every single day since high school (I graduated in 1986) especially the 8 years I was in prison.” Great! I gotta go.

This happened to me again recently, and it made me walk down memory lane of boyfriends past.

I once dated a guy who said, “I would never marry a woman that made more money than me.” Really? Then you better cruise the homeless shelters ‘cause you are one broke son-of-a-bitch! I notice you don’t mind whenever I pick up lunch. Never marry a woman that made more money than me Mr. Always- in- the- bathroom- when- the- check- comes motherfucker!

I once dated my dealer. Take it from me, don’t ever break up with your dealer! Now I don’t know what I’m jonsing for- pot or abuse.

One boyfriend, I didn’t actually break up with. I just stopped calling. But, this is a passive aggressive society and if he can’t learn to read between the lines, then fuck him!

The strangest boyfriend I ever had put in a good deal of time and energy into wooing me for about 6 months, then when I gave in, he wouldn’t have sex with me. What the fuck? Believe me, I can get that someone would not want to have sex with me. But, this guy really put in the leg work, you know? Why would he go to so much trouble if he didn’t want to sleep with me?

I keep trying to figure out what he got out of the relationship. It’s not like I was the Sugar Mama. So I paid for Senior Fish a couple of times, big deal. Dating me is not exactly good for your career. I can get you into the Ice House, so what? The thing is, I know he used me...I just can’t figure out for what! He never wanted me, he just wanted me to want him. It was like a bad Cheap Trick song.

I just can’t figure out why he didn’t sleep with me. At first I thought he was gay. But, then I realized, even the gay guys will fuck you (I should know). Then I thought he was religious, but the priests will fuck you, too (again, I know). If he were gay, I would have been fine with that. I don’t mind playing the fag hag; I just want to know the terms up front!

When he contacted me recently it was weird. It was kinda like a booty call, but it was more like a no-booty-for-you call. You know, I could have handled any fetish he threw at me except the not fucking. That’s just weird. Are you sure you don’t just want me to dress up like a Raccoon (or pee on me)? I told myself, “He’s just scared.” And my best friend Sally said, “Well he wasn’t scared of Amy when he was fucking her last week.” She’s a good friend.

There is a limit to the amount of bullshit I will put up with, and evidently it’s about 6 months. Hey, I can find plenty of guys out there to not fuck me! Especially when I whip out the Senior Fish. I just hope that when I die, God will tell me why I was rejected. He will say “Your keys were in the sofa and by the way, Jim was impotent.”

Do you think I am being too harsh? Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t ever fuck over a comedian.

My Mother

2007-12-27T16:15:00.000-08:00

On December 13, 2007, my mama died of liver failure at the age of 67. I feel so many emotions, so conflicted. Like a lot of mother-daughter relationships, and like all comedians, my relationship with my mother was strained at best and aggressive at worst. When someone dies who you have such a tumultuous relationship with, it's harder than if you were really close. All my life I have thought, "my mother doesn't love me". Now, I can add, "and she never will."

I am remembering all the good things about her now. I never heard her say anything racist or homophobic. She was my first feminist role model. She loved that Helen Reddy song, "I am woman." I know every word to that song because she used to play and sing it all the time. She hasn't spoken to me in 10 years. Not because she was mad; it just never occured to her. She didn't like talking on the phone, and since I live in LA and she lived in GA, that meant we never talked. I guess she didn't like email or letters either.

I flew to GA for her funeral. I went for my daddy, or so I thought. They had been together for 41 years. His whole life was her. I am really worried about him. I feel so far away. When I was little, I used to dream my daddy would divorce my mama and we could run away from her. Now I realize how selfish that was. My mama's funeral was sterile and religious. We never went to church when we were growing up. She recently started going, but I think it was for the company. Her service was in a church and they mentioned Lazarus more than my mama, Jeanne Evans. I'm glad I made them let me speak. They didn't want me to, but I did. I talked about her, not about Jesus.

My mama was complicated. She was strong and yet very sensitive. She was very intelligent and had a good sense of humor. She was generous but didn't take any crap. She was a stickler for grammar, and very concerned about how we presented ourselves. She always taught me to follow my dreams and let my concience be my guide. On more than one occassion, she stood up for me, bragged about me, lied for me, and protected me.

My mama loved to read, and went to the library every week. Her favorite kind of movies were horror movies (me, too), and she preferred to do laundry at 3am. She made my wedding dress and all the bridesmaids dresses. She was psychic, and I would often get phone calls when I was in college with messages saying only things like "stay away from windows." I would laugh it off, and then stay away from windows.

This is an exerpt from what I said at the funeral:
People tell me that I look like my mama, and I say don't look at my face.
If when you look at me, you see any strength, intelligence, confidence, generocity; if I speak well or present myself well. Then, I say, that's my mother in me.

I Got An A!

2007-12-11T16:48:00.001-08:00

I just found out that I got an A on my research project. Yay! I am so happy. I can't believe it. Now, I only have two classes left to finish my Masters. Hooray!!

I've been tagged!

2007-12-11T13:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, I didn't even know what this is until I was reading my husband Chris Oliver's blog and realized he "tagged" me (which means he broke one of the rules below by not telling me):

The rules:

1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (I'm not gonna do that, but you can see them here).
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them. (I'm not doing that, either)
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you've done it! (poo poo Chris)

Ok, I will bold was does NOT apply to me:

JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

I would say this is pretty damn close. I don't know who to tag, but if I figure it out, I'll come back and edit this.

I Did It!

2007-11-28T00:39:00.001-08:00

I finished my research project! I presented it last night at CSULA, and it went very well. Yay! I feel like I just got out of prison! I am so happy and proud of myself. I honestly didn't think I could pull it off, and I did. That is an amazing feeling. Every time you face a fear, you find out it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. Now I can catch up on all the work I've been putting off!

Comedy is Queer

2007-10-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

Research

2007-10-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been two weeks since I started the graduate research part of my Masters. I have calmed down considerably since the last post, but I have a long way to go. I am developing my questionnaire for my data, and it's so hard! Every time I think I am finally getting clear on what my research question is and what I want to find out-I lose it all! I had all these lofty goals about cracking the subject of Organizational Change and the case at Pasadena City College wide open, but I am finding out that I can not be comprehensive-those words from my professor, comforting, but also frustrating. I want to be comprehensive, but I am one person with limited time and limited resources. I do not have a research team; I am not a pro at this. I have to conduct the best research I can and find out what I can. Narrow it down. Here's hoping I can narrow it down enough to get focused.

Meanwhile, back in my screwed up brain, I have all this anxiety about seeing my PCC coworkers again because I have gained weight since I quit. How screwed up is that? Seriously! I quit 1 year ago because, a decade after giving up living on the road and moving to LA, I am finally able to support myself completely again from comedy. I have two successful businesses (comedy school and production). Why am I so stressed out?

I was thin for one year of my life. But that year has caused me all this shame about returning to my former self (not quite-I'm still over 40 lbs lighter than when I went on the diet). But, it's amazing how many people think they can comment on your weight. I think it comes from the year of commenting on how small I was getting. It's all I talked about with some people. I wish I had a clever line prepared for people who give me shit when I visit PCC. Like, yeah, I know I gained weight, but you still work here!

Grad School

2007-09-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

I registered again for school today at CSULA after a 6 month hiatus. I have three classes left on a Political Science Masters degree. The class I’m taking now is essentially the Graduate Research portion of the program. This is the fourth class of a series of four ass-kicking classes (including graduate statistics) regarding the research project each person must undertake in order to get the MS degree. I am basically terrified. The other two classes I have left will be a cake walk after this year-long research series. I’m not even that afraid of the culminating comp exam that awaits me at the finish of the program. I figure I can handle it; I took all the classes, right? I made no less than an A- throughout the research series, hell throughout grad school as a whole, including statistics! I have a cumulative 3.9 GPA.

So why am I terrified of the research project? My plan was to have done more of the research, ok any of the research in the 6 months I was off before taking this class. But, of course, I did not. I chose that time to focus on my ever-growing comedy school and production company. And, I think I might have a comedy career in there somewhere, although buried deep these days.

I have gone back and forth about whether or not to finish the degree. I don’t really need it. I mean, I’m a comedian for God sakes (although, it gave me a great political chunk in my act that I’m very proud of). But, I’m only three classes away! How can I quit now? I’ve been working on this degree for four years. Besides, I’m the only one in my family with a college degree at all; having a Masters would be an awesome feather in my cap, and give my nieces and nephews something to strive for and believe possible. It is an especially good example for Brandie and Stephen, my niece and nephew I am raising. They have seen everything I have gone through working for this degree.

Problem is that I will have little time to work on my business and the comedy book I am writing. I will have A LOT to do and little time to do it in. So, if I can’t go to lunch with you until December, don’t get pissed. I have my head in a book. Oh, and I’m freaking out!

Amo La Comedia

2007-09-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

Bombing

2007-09-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

I just had the worst set of my life! Holy shit! I took a comedy ass whooping tonight. It was a big crowd-full of people who fucking hated me! Good thing I already have a really low self-esteem or that would have made me feel bad about myself! I think that was the Universe's way of saying "Don't get cocky." Note taken!

Isn't is funny that no matter how long you've been doing comedy, you are still so wrapped up in the approval of the crowd in front of you? And by funny, I mean painful as shit. How many audiences have to validate me? How many toothless drunk bikers in the front row have to love me and think I'm funny for me to feel OK? After 20 years, how long is it going to take? As long as our mothers don't love us (comics), there will never be enough drunk bikers. There will never be enough validation.

Here's hoping I never have to appear in front of that group of people again!
Alas, tomorrow is another show!

Racism

2007-08-23T03:01:00.000-07:00

My whole family is racist, but me. (Although, they will deny it. They need to look up racism in the dictionary.) Not long ago my father called me and very unhappily announced that my brother Ron was marrying a black girl! And now everyone’s mad at me. Like it’s my fault, for being a liberal.
My daddy said, “I bet you’re just loving this!”
I said, “I’ve never even met the girl! What’s she like?”
“What’s she like? What’s she like? She’s black!!”

She’s black? That’s what she’s like? What is that supposed to mean? Does he think she has a giant afro and she’s walking around town with a big boom box on her shoulder like Radio Rakeem? WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE LIKE?

I don’t have a lot of contact with my brother Eddie (the minister) because we are very different regarding politics, religion, well everything. But, he lives in Gulfport, Mississippi, and his house was damaged by Hurricane Katrina. So I wanted to reach out to him, and offer to help. I mean, why send money to the Red Cross when you actually know someone you could send it to?

I sent him an email and he gladly accepted and appreciated the offer of help. So, I mailed him a check. Then, a few days later, I get an email from him attaching this article from some conservative guy talking about what went wrong in New Orleans after the hurricane. It turns out that it wasn’t a lack of timely and appropriate government response to a crisis situation. Turns out, it was “the blacks”. That’s right. Let’s see if I can get it straight. It’s ‘all those lazy people who want something for nothing, always looking for a helping hand, and can’t pull themselves up by their own bootstraps’. Hmm. I wrote back, “So I guess you’ll be tearing up that check then?” Ok, I didn’t. I thought, “What would Jesus do?” So, I stopped payment on it!

I went home recently, and I had forgotten how bad the language is in Georgia. If you can get past the N-word, the double negatives will kill you! My cousin told me, “We don’t got no niggers on our street.” I said, “Oh my God. I can’t believe you said that! You are so ignorant! It’s ‘you don’t have any niggers on your street’.”

When I was home, my sister kept going on and on about the “Orientals”. It was the Orientals. The Orientals. I thought she was being attacked by a rug.
Finally, I said, “Do you mean Asians?
She said, “Well, I say Oriental.”
“Yeah, well, I say it’s 2007.”
“My Oriental friends don’t mind.”
“Clearly you don’t have any. ‘Cause it’s Asian.”
“I don’t consider my Japanese friends Asian.”
“Well, I don’t consider geography a matter of opinion. I know this is Georgia, but get a map!”

That’s why I don’t buy the “That’s how I was raised” crap. I was raised to be a racist homophobic xenophobic misogynistic Christian conservative asshole, and I turned out ok!

I watched this awesome show on PBS last night about black leaders during slavery. There was one woman named “Ma Bette” who hired a lawyer and sued her owner for freedom and won! That’s awesome! We never hear stories like that. Not even in February. The only black history figure we ever learn about is George Washington Carver, the peanut guy. You know why? Because he is non-threatening! The only dream he ever had was to make a better jelly sandwich.

I used to be the only white employee in a black comedy club in Atlanta called Uptown Comedy Corner. One night after the show, we’re all hanging out and the DJ puts on CD.
I said, “Cool. Is this A Tribe Called Quest?” My friends start tripping, “You know A Tribe Called Quest? How could a white girl know A Tribe Called Quest?” WTF? There aren’t black radio waves I can’t get. We are all one big global media now, people. Right now somewhere in Cambodia, there is a guy on a rice paddy going, “Can I kick it? Yes, you can!”

Religion

2007-08-23T02:01:00.001-07:00

Inflammatory Religious Ramblings...

I have a cure for all the problems in the Middle East: Ban all religion. Karl Marx said that religion is the opium of the masses. No, religion is the Jose Cuervo of the masses! Religion is the “Hey let’s go kick the shit out of that guy” of the masses.

Except Buddhism. You never hear people say, “I went to a Buddhist high school. Thank God I got the fuck out of there! All that peace and meditation fucked me up!”

Actually, I used to think that banning religion would cure all the problems in the Middle East until we had a real bad heat wave here in California. And, I thought “No wonder they are so mad. It’s like ‘Do the Right Thing’ every day there!” After a week, I wanted to pull a Jihad on somebody’s ass. 72 virgins? Who cares? Does heaven have air conditioning? I’m hot, Allah!

There is a lot of sectarian violence going on in Iraq over who is practicing Islam the right way. It was the same way with Catholics and Protestants-who are both Christians! I can’t imagine that kind of civil war with people who are just like you. “The South Dakotans are lower than dogs! Kill them all.’ I can’t imagine being that way toward dogs much less the good people of South Dakota.

I was talking politics on stage in a club one night and this guy came up to me after and he said “I don’t believe in Global Warming.” I replied, “That’s OK. I don’t believe in Jesus.”

I don’t know why there even is a word for “Atheist”. There’s not a word for people who don’t believe in dragons or faeries.

I always forget that some Christians are prejudice against Jews. They are all alike to me. I forget because I’m an Atheist. Jews didn’t kill my God. I say, “C’mon over to Atheism. You can do whatever you want!”

People think that atheists can’t be good people. I give money to several LA food banks every Christmas (cause, you know, homeless people only need to eat during the holidays). Every year I get a card back from the missions: “Thanks for feeding the hungry through Jesus Christ.” Um, I didn’t. I did it through Bank of America.

My brother is a fundamentalist Christian minister, or as I like to call him, “Asshole,” for short. He likes to trick me into having religious arguments with him. He will send me an email:
“Dear Bobbie.
How are you? How is Chris? How are the kids? Abortion is Murder.
Love, Eddie.”

I told him one day that I was having financial problems. He said, “Don’t you worry. I’m gonna pray for you. In fact, I’m going to tell my congregation all about you on Sunday and get my entire church to pray for you.” Oh goody! C’mon. Is that really gonna help? I mean, is God up there going, “Well, I was going to make Bobbie homeless, but I had no idea she was so popular!” If there’s one thing I hate more than unsolicited advice about my act, it is unsolicited prayer. Don’t pray for me; it just pisses me off.

The Bush administration loves to play on emotion. That’s how they get the right-wing Christian fundamentalist base like my brother. Those people don’t know anything about the gross domestic product or the federal trade deficit, but they know they don’t want queers to get married!

I recently read that religious doctors are refusing certain treatments for women because of their religious beliefs. You know what? I don’t want my doctor or my anything picking and choosing which part of the job Jesus will let him do (Who Would Jesus Treat?). I’m happy for you and God, Doc, but give me my fucking RU-487 ‘cause I can assure you this ain’t the second coming!

I’ve decided I need to get a passport. You know, in case I have to jump off this sinking ship in a hurry. Or in case the Evangelical Christians start going door to door collecting our vibrators and bongs.

I was walking to my car really late one night after a show in LA. I feel this guy walking behind me, so I start walking faster. And he starts walking faster! I’m like “Oh shit. Sex pervert. Serial killer.” I’m imaging all the things he’s going to try to get me to do to him on the side of the road. So I take off running (which I don’t do very often), and he takes off running after me! He runs up to me, gets right up in my face, and says, “Excuse me. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?” I’m like, “What the…you’re not supposed to…I thought you were going to… (sigh) are you sure you don’t just want a blow job? Or to kill me? Please don’t talk to me about Jesus!”

Potluck III

2007-08-17T02:04:00.000-07:00

Whenever I was late coming home, my parents would always yell, “Oh my God! We thought someone had beat you in the head and raped you!” Really? It’s only been 20 minutes. What happened in your childhood that you go straight from zero to beat you in the head and rape you in 20 minutes?

I’m addicted to Home and Garden TV. It’s hard to be an HGTV addict when you rent. “Oh what a great paint treatment…that I can never do because I rent!” HGTV was the first major national network to truly embrace the homosexual couple. It makes sense that the first one would be the design channel. But, hey, conservatives should be happy. The free market has spoken!

I heard someone from the Bush Administration saying “We must protect the Homeland.” Is it me, or do words like ‘homeland’, ‘terror alert’, ‘Terror Czar’, all sound like something from a science fiction horror novel? Or at least the scary part of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.

When I was on the road doing comedy, I could have gotten laid every night. And not just by men. One night after a show, a stripper stuck her tongue in my ear. She asked me to go home with her and her husband. You had me until the word ‘husband’. I’ll go home with a strange woman, but my days of going home with strange men are over. Been there-done that-been treated for that!

I heard on NPR they are convening a Torture Convention. Damn, and you thought your work retreats sucked! I will never complain about doing trust exercises in the Ramada ballroom again!

Last time I had sex with someone other than my husband was 1989. Gas was $1.00. Prince was on the charts. In fact, I think “When Doves Cry” was playing in the background.

I’ve done crystal meth before. When I did it, it was called ‘crank’. That’s how you know how old you are. If you say ‘crank’, you’re old like me. If you say ‘crystal’ you’re young, and if you say ‘Ice’ you’re on it RIGHT NOW!

When I was moving to California, I was busted in Arizona for pot. It was an Indian reservation and the cop was an Indian. I’m like, “Why are you enforcing the white man’s laws on me?” His K-9 didn’t even find any of the pot except what I volunteered to give up. I don’t even think that dog was a cop. I think it was his pet dog and he decided to use him to get a quarter bag for the weekend off the first freaks that rode by in tie-dyed t-shirts. Fucking Indian faux dog cops!

Potluck II

2007-08-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

I had so much fun posting those other jokes, I thought I'd add some more.

I read an article in LA Times a few years ago about a man who had ‘acrotomophilia’, which is a sexual desire to have one of his limbs removed. The man found a doctor in Mexico (of course) who would remove a limb for his sexual satisfaction. What was that surgery like? Was he getting one arm cut off while he whacked off with the other? And let’s say it was the single greatest experience of his entire life. Now what? He can only do it up to 3 more times. Really only 2 ‘cause he has to have the free hand!

I read about these people who do body modification. Instead of getting a tattoo or a piercing, some of them are having a toe removed just to be cool. And now they are all judgmental toward the rest of us. “You with your corporate jobs, your monkey suits, your 10 toes! Capitalist pigs!”

I have lived in LA for 10 years, and I have never bought fruit from a guy on the side of the road. Why not? I give money to street people. I need fruit. Really, it’s a win- win.

Metrosexuals are fucking up my gaydar! My best friend Sally and I were out one night and these two guys kept looking at us. They were really really clean and well-kept. So, we couldn’t tell if they were gay. Fuck metrosexuality! If one of them needed a shave or to lose 20 lbs we would have known they were hitting on us!

My friend Rudy works at NASA and he asked if I wanted a tour. I said, “Sure, can I bring Kate?” He goes, “She’s British, right? I have to get more information on her first.” What is going on at NASA that I can see but Kate can’t see? Are they afraid she’s gonna stumble into the room where they faked the moonwalk? “We can fool the stupid Americans but a Brit could find us out.”

My friend’s boyfriend hired a private eye to follow her around and take pictures of her with other men. I told my husband, “I love you, but if you did that, I would divorce you.” He said, “Honey, I would never hire someone to spy on you! I would just do it myself.”

The healthcare in the California Prison system is so bad that the federal government just took it over. The man in charge of California prisons said, “Any healthcare a prisoner gets is good enough.” You hear that, Paris Hilton? You better keep your nose clean.

I’ve decided I need to get a passport. You know, in case I have to jump off this sinking ship in a hurry. Or in case the Evangelical Christians start going door to door collecting our vibrators and bongs.

My friend is dating a guy who says he’s a plushy. Then she found an animal mascot costume in his closet. That’s not a plushy; that’s a furry! I know my fetishes, and he's lying. You know your fantasy is fucked up when you pretend that it’s just jacking off into stuffed animals.

I heard on the radio that a study just came out that determined that people with kids are not as happy as people without kids. It was also found that the more kids you have, the less happy you are. This was also known as the “Duh!” report. They also determined that sex is nice.

Five minutes ago, the newscaster announced that an alligator escaped from the LA zoo, but they have not yet determined his motivation. What? Only in LA would an alligator ask, “What’s my motivation?” Turns out it was a publicity stunt on the part of the animal’s publicist because the alligator wants to be in Evan Almighty II.

I’m a loud- mouthed broad. I am a lot of bad words, a lot of labels they like to put on you to try to put you down and shut you up. I’m also a feminazi, a bleeding heart liberal, a heathen, a pinko commie, a druggie, a tree hugger, a bitch, a socialist, pro-baby killing, pro-prisoner, a dirty hippy, a slut, a troublemaker, a nigger lover, a fag hag, anti-American, anti-troops, French-loving, Al Queada sympathizer, a flag burner, a queer, a freak, a hedonist, a white trash hick, a pants-wearing, overbearing loud mouth broad. And, no, I will not keep my voice down!

I had jury duty last year. I didn’t try to get out of it because of the jokes I thought I’d get. Didn’t get a lot of jokes, but I did get a jury duty boyfriend. Hell, I was there 2 days! What else was I supposed to do? Don’t ever tell a judge you are a comedian! He became oddly fixated on that fact during the gang murder trail. He kept asking me all of these questions about my career—under oath! I had been bullshitting my new boyfriend out in the hall about how wildly successful I am. And now I couldn’t lie!

“What TV shows have you done, Juror # 9?”
“Um, just The Nashville Network, your honor.”
“Not Comedy Central? Why not?”
“I guess industry doesn’t like me, your honor.”
“You should be more animated like Dane Cook. Or get a puppet.”
“Dane Cook is whack, your honor.”
“We’d like to thank and dismiss Juror #9.”

I will not be in the case of the People vs. Homeboy, which really sucks because the defendant had a giant 46 tattooed on his face, so you know it would have been awesome!

My husband just got a vasectomy. He got special permission for me to be in the room. Lucky me! First, the doctor ripped back the sheet and said, “This will be easy. You have a nice big vas!” Did he just say my husband has a big dick? Then, the doctor kept chatting me up about comedy while he was sewing up my husband’s testicles.
“Wow! You’re a comedian. What’s that like?” Could this be less appropriate? The only thing that would be more inappropriate would be during a rape kit. “Ok, we’re going to get a vaginal swab…so, you do comedy, that’s fun! If we catch this guy, can you get me free tickets?” The urologist kept going on and on about free tickets. You’re a freaking doctor! You don’t have $10?

They finally caught the Westside rapist. Well, they are pretty sure they have the right guy because when they brought him in for questioning, he raped them.

I had to stop telling the Westside Rapist joke because it was a current event and it left the news. Then, one night I’m watching the news with my husband and the anchor man said, “We have a new rapist on the Westside.” And, I’m like, “Yes!! I can tell my joke again!” What the hell is wrong with me? I’m rooting for rapists at this point? I’m like “Keep raping on the Westside! Go rapist; go rapist!”

One of my friends is an editor at Hustler magazine. He gave me a copy because his name was in it. I thought, “I’m liberal, I can look at Hustler. I’ve seen Playboy.” Oh my God!! It is nothing like Playboy! The ads for Chicks with Dicks alone are enough to freak you out. Then my girl friend who is in the porn industry said, “I’m gonna be in the dirty Hustler this month.” There’s a dirty Hustler? What is going on in the dirty Hustler? Is it a pop up book? Is it like the Harry Potter pictures that move and we actually see the penetration?

I went on the road with this vegan comic. He didn’t eat meat or dairy or eggs or fish or sugar or white flour or food. But, he popped vitamins like crazy and ran 10 miles a day. I asked him once, “So how do you feel?” He said, “I feel pretty good.” Pretty good? Pretty good? I just had a quarter- pounder with cheese and a pack of Ho Hos; I feel pretty good, too. If I do all of that shit, I want to feel fucking GREAT!!

My vegan friend Lucy came over to my house and she brought her own food (which those people are prone to do). She had tofu shrimp. Well, not actual shrimp. She was very happy that they got the shape and texture of a shrimp down perfectly. I don’t get it. Why not just eat fruits and vegetables? Why eat veggie burgers and tofu shrimp? If vegans and vegetarians are so against eating meat, why are they pretending to eat meat? That would be like me pretending to pray.

I walked into Kaiser one day and overhead a female security guard telling a male security guard, “Oh yeah? Well, my motto is Fuck You!” Wow! That’s your motto? What the hell happened in your life? My motto is “Liquor before beer, have no fear.”

Fame is overrated. I mean think about Tori Spelling. When she was a teenager, she had a giant horse head. She should have been able to go through that shit in private. It’s one thing for the mean girl at school to call you Mr. Ed; it’s another thing for it to be on the cover of the Entertainment Weekly!

My husband and I both got copies of the new Harry Potter book, and I was about 100 pages ahead of him. I would get to a really sad part and start crying. He’d say, “What? What?” Me, crying, “I can’t tell you!” Then 100 pages later, he would yell “Not Dobby!”

One day I was looking at a box of Q-Tips and I saw that they had suggestions of how to use the Q-Tip, but not once do they mention to put them in your ears. Also, if you ask a doctor, they will tell you to never put a Q-Tip in your ear. But, have you EVER done anything else with a Q-Tip? You know that they know what you are doing with their product. There is an unwritten understanding between Johnson and Johnson and the consumer. Kind of a don’t ask don’t tell for cotton swabs.

Potluck

2007-08-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have so many jokes that never see the stage because they don’t make the cut when I have a limited amount of time or because they don’t really logically fit into my act. I call them “pot luck” jokes. So, I am going to use this blog to release some of these jokes from the closet. Hope you enjoy them!

I heard on Oprah that this woman’s husband had an affair for 10 years and she didn’t know it. There is no way my husband could orchestrate an affair for 10 years unless I helped him. I’d have to leave him little yellow sticky notes on the fridge that read, “Fuck your secretary at 2:00. Don’t forget, it’s her birthday!” My husband can’t take out the trash by himself; he ain’t having a 10 year affair!

I love A&E Biography. But, I have to warn you: if you hate a famous person, and you are pretty comfortable with the idea of hating them, don’t ever watch an A&E Biography about them. Because when it’s over, you will love them! I now love Prince Charles and Donna Summer. Do you think I’m happy about that?? They have one on Hitler; I’m not watching it! I do not want to come out of this thing pro-Hitler. I don’t want to be like, “He was abused as a child. He only had one testicle. But, still he managed to grow up and fulfill his dream of killing 9 million people. You have to give him that!”

I was watching “Jailhouse Rock” one day and I realized that he sings, “Number 47 said to number 3, you’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see…c’mon and do the jailhouse rock with me.” You’ve got to hand it to Elvis! Before that came out, you never heard a Top 40 song about anal rape.

I was stopped at a red light one day. I looked over at the Hooters restaurant beside me and they had a sign in the window that read, “We now have a children’s menu.” And I thought, “Thank God! I’m pretty sure little Billy is ready to start objectifying women, but he can’t quite finish a full plate of chicken fingers yet.”

Have you ever listened to “Love Line?” These kids call up with these problems, but they never seem to realize what their real problems are. “Hi, like, last night, I was having sex on the couch, you know, with my dad, and like we got a stain on the couch, so like, I was wondering, what can I use to get that out?” Uh, I don’t know. Therapy? Or club soda.

I heard Adam Corolla from “Love Line” once ask, “If women are so smart, how come men invented everything?” Uh, Adam, it’s called birth control. Before Margaret Sanger started smuggling diaphragms into the country in wine bottles, women were having babies until we literally dropped dead. It’s a little hard hanging out in the basement for 18 hours a day perfecting the phonograph when you have 12 kids hanging off your tits.

Last year the Center for Disease control came out and said that they have changed their position and decided that being overweight is good for you. WTF? After all these years, why? I think the CDC got paid a visit by the Fat Lobby. Some mobster in an alley going, “Listen up Mister, nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!”

Before I moved to LA, I didn’t know that movie studios screen movies to focus groups, and then change the movie based on what the idiots in the focus group said. I don’t get it. Movies are art. Make your art and put it out there! Can you imagine if other artists did this? What if Picasso ran his stuff past the villagers before he put it out? “I don’t know Picasso, shouldn’t the lady in the painting have two eyes? Shouldn’t her nose be in the middle of her face?” And everyone thinks that Monet is just too blurry.

I saw this thing on TV about animal testing. This guy named “Bob” with Parkinson’s disease was saying, “Screw the animal rights activists. If it weren’t for testing on chimpanzees, I would be sitting in a chair shaking for the rest of my life.” You know what? Maybe you are supposed to be sitting in a chair shaking for the rest of your life! Who gets to decide whose life is more valuable? I want to see an interview with the chimp’s wife. “If it wasn’t for that asshole Bob, my husband would be alive today.”

When I first moved to LA, I had to look for a job till I could get on my feet again doing comedy. They make you fill out all these questionnaires when you apply now. Some of them, you get. Like you know to check “no” to the question “are you a serial killer?” But, some of them you don’t know what they want. I actually had this question: “True or False-I own a monkey.” WTF? Where are they going with that? I mean, are they looking for someone who already has their own monkey or would owning a monkey somehow inhibit my ability to sell shoes?

There are no good magazines for women. Am I the only woman in America that doesn’t give a crap about hair and makeup tips? I’ve been wearing the same blush since high school; why do we have to talk about it every freaking month?

I was watching HBO one day and as this movie was coming on, it had symbols for language, violence, and Rape. I was so freaked out! Every scene I was like, “There’s a rape coming; there’s a rape coming. Is he gonna rape her? Is she gonna rape him? Rape rape rape rape rape!" This guy I know said, “I’m a red-blooded American man. I get turned on by rape scenes.” I said, “Me, too! Let’s watch Deliverence…or Pulp Fiction.”

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and I’ve never cheated. Not because I’m a good person, but because I have the kind of body that it really helps if you love me. This is not a one-night-stand ass!

I accidentally went to a swingers party. You know, the kind of party you are sure is going on in Hollywood when you are in Georgia or whatever small town you are from. I didn’t know what kind of party it was because someone told me about it. I’m pretty sure the printed invitation said something like “wife swapping”. At one point, the hostess looks at me and says, “Bobbie, get in the hot tub. No swim suits allowed!” Look, lady, I haven’t been naked in front of more than 10 people at a time since college. These days, I ain’t getting naked in front of anybody I ain’t fucking! And even then, only in 1/3s, like I’ll move the sheet off the part you’re working on.

My husband has a thing for the girl at the vet. I’m so excited about it! I haven’t had to take the animals in for months because he volunteers. I’m hoping he gets a crush on someone at all my errands. I’m working on getting the children hot female doctors and dentists. He got a postcard that instructed him to bring in a fecal sample from the cat at his next appointment. I teased him so badly, “You are never going to get any play with the vet girl after you bring in that poop!” He conveniently forgot it.

I was flipping through the channels one day and accidentally landed on that TLC show “The Operation”. They were doing a jaw operation. It was sooooo freaking gross!! They had the jaw unhinged and they were moving it all over the place. Ahhh!! I grabbed the remote and starting frantically trying to change the channel. But, it was too late. I was damaged. I couldn’t get the image of the jaw operation out of mind for weeks. When I tried to eat, when I tried to sleep, I would see it. Oh God! I just want my life back! I just want the pre-jaw ME back!!

My pet peeve is littering. I freaking HATE littering. One day this man threw down a plastic cup on the ground right in front of me and my child. I yelled, “Litterbug!” He wasn’t affected. We need a stronger social stigma for littering. I think we should start an ad campaign linking littering to Pedophilia. That would have an affect! Think about it. Instead of saying, “You threw that trash on the ground. You’re a litterbug!” You could say, “You threw that trash on the ground. You are a baby-raper!”

My husband was in the Kiss Army. In fact, he’s still a member. I tried to tell him, “Honey, the war is over!”

Only in LA is “I flaked” an excuse. Basically, that’s like saying, “Oh sorry, I didn’t give a shit.”

I like my dentist, but I hate his staff, especially the suction girl. She keeps shoving that damn vacuum cleaner down my throat. I’m not your prom date, bitch!

I keep getting myspace screwed. Whenever I produce a show, there are always people who comment everyone but me on how great it was. That’s why I can’t have 3-ways anymore. I can’t take it if the next day, the guy myspace comments the other girl, “Great 3 way last night!” And she writes back, “Yeah, you were awesome!” Hello! What about me? Wasn’t I awesome?

I think Starbucks is turning us all into a country of Prima Donnas. “Yeah, give me a non-fat, sugar free, half-caff Mexican Mayan Mocha frappaccino with an extra shot no whip and extra foam. Oh, and I’m in a hurry.” Who the fuck are you, Joan Crawford?

Now that we have kids, we are always trying to get time alone. We find ourselves sneaking around and lying to the kids. We will go out to eat and try to hide the evidence. The waiter will ask, “Do you want a take-out box?” And we scream, “No! We were never here!” Now I know why my parents used to have so many ‘errands’.

My friend loaned us her time share, and my husband and I got to go away for the weekend alone. We were so excited to be without the kids, we were having porno sex all over the condo. We lived together for over 10 years before we got the kids, we never had sex on the kitchen island. But we did it that weekend because we could! And we did it loudly!!

Politics and Such

2007-08-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Politics

I recently started telling political jokes in my act, which was a long time coming, considering what a political junkie I am. What I am discovering is that NO ONE FOLLOWS POLITICS BUT ME! WTF? I don’t get it. Politics are more interesting than soap operas. There are better scandals-sex, money, power, crime. Washington, D.C. is better than Knots Landing! Hell, with this administration’s oil obsession, it kinda is like Dallas. "George W. Bush as J.R. Ewing, Hilary Clinton as Alexis Carrington." It’s awesome! If only we could play “Who shot J.R.?”

In America, it’s a lot like work to keep up with what Carl Rove is doing. But, you can’t avoid knowing every detail of Paris Hilton’s ever-fascinating life. But, that’s what the people in power want. They want us to be just fat and happy enough to not care what they are doing. I propose we don’t call it “politics” anymore. I propose we call it “YOUR LIFE”. Because that’s what it is: a bunch of rich privileged (mostly white male) landowners making decisions about how you and I are allowed to live our lives. We must PAY ATTENTION. We must STANDUP.

Republicans vs. Democrats

Have you ever watched the Republicans and Democrats go at it on TV and thought to yourself, “I am the smartest goddamned person on the planet!” What is wrong with these people? They have Ivy League educations! I knew there were no weapons of mass destruction. I knew that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!! I knew that and I went to LaGrange College!

I wish the Democrats would stand up to the Republicans and get us out of this war. Ironically, if they stand up, they are seen as weak. WTF? That only makes sense in a country where your approval rating actually goes up if you shoot a guy in the face. When ever I talk politics people always say “support the troops”. I do support the troops. That’s why I’m not going to stop talking about all this stuff until they come home.

Fear & Emotion

The Bush administration has done a great job of scaring the crap out of us every chance they get. The government has always done that, but these guys are the best. When I was a kid, it was the Russians we were told to fear. “The Communists are gonna get ya!” Then it was killer bees. Did they ever come? Then there was mad cow disease, SARS, the bird flu, now the Terrorists. (Plus, I’m from the South, so I had to fear all people of color or anyone different from me at all. It’s exhausting!) I know there are terrorists out there, but I have been in a heightened state of fear for so long, I’m afraided out! I don’t know about you, but I can duck and cover no more.

The Democrats could take a page out of this book. Global Warming? That doesn’t sound very threatening. They should call it “Environmental Terror” or how about “We’re all gonna die!” This guy came up to me in a club one night after I said that on stage and he said “I don’t believe in Global Warming.” I replied, “That’s OK. I don’t believe in Jesus.”

Michael Chertoff (Homeland Security) recently came out and said that he had a hunch that we were going to be attacked this summer by the terrorists. A hunch? Should I buy more duct tape? I have a hunch that the Bush Administration is trying to terrify us all into giving up our civil liberties. I have a hunch there is more than one terrorist organization profiting off this war.

This administration also loves to play on emotion. That’s how they get the right-wing Christian fundamentalist base. Those people don’t know anything about the gross domestic product or the federal trade deficit, but they know they don’t want queers to get married.

Ann Coulter is the pinup girl for the right wing. She recently called John Edwards a “faggot”. You know you are playing to a conservative audience when that is an insult. In my social group, the word “faggot” is a term of endearment. Ann Coulter would make a terrible fag hag. She should stick to just being a hag.

Did you know that the US Military recently discharged 58 American soldiers who were Arabic translators just because they were gay? We are short Arabic translators, and they fired 58 just for being gay? It makes me wonder, how do you say in Arabic, “they hate us for our freedom?”

Axis of Evil

Remember when George Bush announced the “Axis of Evil”? Iran, North Korea, and Afghan-no-Iraq?? He went on TV and called three countries evil and millions of people in those countries went “What the fuck did he just say? Oh no he didn’t!” Remember when there were only three countries we were mad at? Those were the days!Then it became the “Quadrilateral of Chaos”, then the “Rhombus of Meanies”. Now I think we are up to the “Octagon of Evildoers.” Please, George, stop! We are running out of geometry!

CIA

The CIA just came out with the “family jewels”, documents showing their misconduct in the 70s. I don’t give a crap what they were doing in the 70s. I want to know what they are up to right now! And there were no big surprises in the documents anyway: assignation attempts on foreign leaders, spying on anti-war activists, wire-tapping American citizens, oh, wait, that is what there are up to right now!

Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney refused to hand over documents recently that show what he’s been up to. He said that the Executive Branch isn’t subject to oversight. Really? Oh, silly us with our archaic little checks and balances. I’m sure we can trust Dick!

I believe that Dick Cheney is evil. I think George Bush is dumb, but Dick Cheney is actual evil (pronounced e-viiil). He should stroke a white cat (he probably does at home when no one is around). The problem is when you have a really evil guy with his hand up the ass of a really dumb puppet with a lot of power, mayhem ensues. Dick Cheney and George Bush have blood on their hands. They should be tried as war criminals.

Misc. Scandals

This could take up an entire blog, but I have a few favorites. Bush recently commuted the jail sentence of Scooter Libby on his perjury and obstruction of justice conviction in the case involving Carl Rove outing CIA agent Valerie Plame because her husband diplomat Joe Wilson would not support the Bush Administration’s WMD claims. Bush felt the punishment was too severe. Boy is Paris Hilton pissed! She served more time for driving on a suspended license. And isn’t this the same crime, perjury and obstruction of justice, that they impeached Bill Clinton over? The difference is that Libby was covering up treason and Clinton was covering up a BJ. This country cares less and less about Watergate’s deep throat and more and more about Monica Lewinski’s.

Paul Wolfowitz, aka the architect of the Iraq war, was placed in charge of the World Bank (I know, but that’s not even the scandal). He then gives a high position to his girlfriend. WTF? Yeah, I realize that Clinton was getting a little sumin sumin, but at least he didn’t make Monica Secretary of the Interior (or spot removal).

Sicko

I’m for socialized medicine or Universal healthcare or whatever you have to call it to sleep at night in your capitalist dreamland. I think people are reluctant about socialized medicine because they think the quality of care will suffer. I think rich people are just worried that they are gonna get the same kind of healthcare that the rest of us get. I don’t think things would change much on my end. I mean, I have Kaiser. How much worse could it be?

I recently read that religious doctors are refusing certain treatments for women because of their religious beliefs. You know what? I don’t want my doctor or my anything picking and choosing which part of the job Jesus will let them do (Who Would Jesus Treat?). I’m happy for you and God, doc, but give me my fucking RU-487 ‘cause I can assure you this ain’t the second coming!

Immigration

When I was a kid, I was told this is a melting pot. Now all I hear about is the “immigration problem.” Everyone still thinks the streets here are paved with gold. I think America suffers from too much hype. We should start an Anti-American propaganda marketing campaign in other countries. (Ok, we kind of already have) But, we could have billboards that read: “America ain’t shit! Go to Canada; they have free healthcare!” Or we could take ½ the money we are putting into killing people and put it into the Mexican economy. Then people will quit risking their lives to come over here and clean your toilet.

Al Jazeera

I keep hearing that the Arabic television network Al Jazeera is working with Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda because they keep accepting his video tapes and playing them on the air. I guess that means that NBC was working with the Virginia Tech killer, huh? I recommend a great documentary called “The Control Room” about Al Jazeera.

Revolution

Thomas Jefferson said it is our duty to hold our government accountable. He said we should have another revolution every 20 years....

"God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive. If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty."

America Was Great

WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I WAS TAUGHT AMERICA WAS GREAT BECAUSE:

We don't torture people.
You can speak your mind even if it's unpatriotic.
You cannot be arrested without due process of law.
Our government does not spy on it's own people.
We led the world in education, technology, science, environmental issues.
We are a melting pot!
Our presidents are the smartest men in the world.
We do not attack other countries unprovoked against the UN.
The supreme court was made up of people who respect the rule of law.
We had checks and balances.
You were free to have any religion, or no religion.
We had a separation of church and state.
We had a free, competent press.
The rest of the world loved us.

We were taught that Russia and other countries were "bad" because they did these things and we were the greatest country in the world. We can be great again. Vive la revolution!

The Improv Rocked!

2007-08-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

I did 20 minutes at the Hollywood Improv tonight and it rocked! Yay!

StandUp Academy Showcases

2007-08-09T23:17:00.000-07:00

StandUp Academy on the Cover of Pasadena Weekly!

2007-08-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

Read the story online here.

DVD Review: Dane Cook - Vicious Circle

2007-08-03T18:46:00.001-07:00

By Bobbie Oliver

There is a lot right with modern standup comedy, but Dane Cook represents none of it. You know how if you love onions, you can’t imagine anyone not liking them? Or if you hate onions, you can’t imagine anyone not hating them? Well, I hate onions, but I would rather eat an onion for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for the rest of my life than ever watch another Dane Cook DVD. But, 1,651,838 MySpacers disagree. And so do the 18,000 rabid fans that filled Boston’s TD Banknorth Garden to watch 132 minutes (yes, that’s two hours and twelve minutes) of Dane Cook’s Vicious Circle, the Dane-gerous Edition (I swear I didn’t make that up). Countless others, ok somebody counted but I refuse to look it up, have made the self-proclaimed “Superstar Comedian” Dane Cook’s comedy album, Retaliation, a top seller for 71 weeks.

Celine Dion will always sell more albums than They Might Be Giants. Dane Cook will always sell more albums than Patton Oswalt. Let’s face it, hack sells. But, then, how would the cool kids distinguish themselves from the posers if every talented artist made millions? Who said 1,651,838 MySpacers can be wrong? I do.

To be fair, I’m not the best audience for Vicious Circle. As a standup comic for the last 20 years, I’ve seen A LOT of comedy. I’ve heard a lot of jokes. I’m probably a lot like the judges on American Idol who want to slit the throat of the next ten year old girl who sings “Tomorrow” from Annie or kick the shit out the fifteen thousandth person they heard perform “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” My favorite comedy is smart comedy. I like jokes you have to get. Hell, I’m a sucker for a joke period. Please, Dane, just one joke. Dane Cook wouldn’t know a decent set up/punch if it literally punched him in the face, which is exactly what I plan to do if I ever see him out in the clubs in LA. He owes me for 132 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

There are four types of comedians. There is the poor guy that no one thinks is funny. There’s the guy that comics love, but audiences don’t get. There’s the guy that audiences love, but other comics hate. And there’s the comic we all strive to be, that audiences love and other comics respect. Dane Cook is the third guy. Audiences love him, especially jocks and frat boys and the kinds of girls that can’t wait to pull up their tops for a “Girls Gone Wild” video. I am none of those.

But, there were 18,000 of them loving every minute of watching Dane perform in the round on Vicious Circle. I actually think doing standup comedy in the round is a great idea, but this was more of a stunt than the craft that is standup. During his set, three groups of people approach the stage. The drunken jock was handled pretty well, I think. Dane acknowledged him, picked on him a little, and then sent him away. The two sets of girls that approached the stage were told to “show us your boobs,” which they did, and “make out with each other” which they did. Can you imagine this happening in any other standup act? Ok, stop imagining two girls making out and pay attention.

Comics are usually a well-balanced combination of low self-esteem and cocky shit head. Dane Cook does not have a low self-esteem. Comics are usually people whose mother didn’t love them (us). Dane Cook’s mother probably told him everyday that he was the funniest, smartest, most talented kid on Earth. So did William Hung’s mom. It seems obvious to me while watching him perform that Dane Cook had a happy childhood, and frankly, I resent him for it.

Vicious Circle begins with Dane Cook coming out like a rock star with his spiky hair and tight jeans. Hell, even the picture of him on the cover is a cocky shot with him arrogantly pointing at the camera with an overconfident, smart aleck look on his face. I would like to believe that audiences look for something different in their comedians than they do their movie stars, rock stars, and supermodels. In those people, we want cool perfection. But, in our comics, we want to see ourselves. We want vulnerability. We want to know that we are not the only one who feels this way or does stupid shit. But, you’ll get none of that from Vicious Circle. No humility, no vulnerability.

The most important skill you can have as a comic is the ability to self-edit. Dane Cook has never edited one thing he’s written (or the bits he has stolen from the likes of the very funny Louis CK). Vicious Circle is 132 minutes of one long pointless rant, going on tangent after tangent and never delivering the punch. It’s a big shaggy dog joke that needs to be trimmed. Granted, Dane Cook is a good performer, I’ll give him that. But, a wordsmith he is not. He doesn’t craft his jokes; he doesn’t choose every word carefully and lay them out in a poetic melody like Shakespeare writing in iambic pentameter.

He is more Three Stooges than Richard Pryor, which is fine unless you are selling your comedy as standup. All throughout this DVD, he hops around the stage like a little animated bunny, punctuating every thought with a wacky face or funny sound effect. It’s like standup comedy for deaf people without the closed-captioning. It’s comedy for people with no sense of humor.

He’s basically saying, “look at me, look at me…just don’t really look at me.” I didn’t feel like I knew anything more about Dane Cook after watching this performance than I did beforehand. He does not let himself be known. Doing pure standup comedy is like jumping out of an airplane naked and skinless. But, Dane jumps fully-clothed with 10 parachutes from the 2nd floor of a very short building. Zero risk.

I watched this DVD with my 22 year old nephew who would be the ideal audience for it (you know, if his IQ were lower); someone who laughed whenever Dane said “blowjob” or made jokes about Halle Berry taking a shit. But, even he got up and left me after an hour, laughing at me for being obligated to sit it out to write this review. I have sat through many movies that were three hours long and never once looked at my watch. After five minutes of Vicious Circle, I was counting down the time like a prisoner waiting for freedom, swearing to never commit this offense again.

Then there’s the 10- minute encore of some horrible song he played on a guitar that the fans all seemed to know (he said it was on his website). Like the other 122 minutes, it was self- indulgent and self- important crap. And, might I also point out that his little “Su-Fi” hand symbol is clearly ripped off from Fishbone? If you ever see anyone make this symbol that is not wearing a Fishbone t-shirt, run away very quickly.

To put it simply, Dane Cook is not my cup of tea. But, hey, if you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, then you’ll probably love Dane Cook’s Vicious Circle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat a raw onion and get this bad taste out of my mouth.

DVD/CD Review: Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together

2007-08-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

Mitch Hedberg is my 2nd favorite standup comedian of all time. The first is, of course, the great Richard Pryor. If you have never seen Mitch, you might be thinking right now, “Second after Richard? Not George Carlin or Chris Rock or Bob Newhart or Bill Cosby or Jerry Seinfeld or Lenny Bruce or Ellen DeGeneres or fill in the blank?” Nope, it’s Mitch. If you have seen or heard Mitch Hedberg, you are not asking yourself that question. You are very cool.

If you are not a Mitch fan yet, let me begin by breaking the news to you that Mitch Hedberg is dead. I had to get that out of the way before I make you fall in love with him or you would hate me at the end of this review. Mitch died in 2005 at the age of 37 of a heart attack that may or may not have had something to do with heroin. If you haven’t figured it out yet, comedians are among the most tortured people on Earth. While a comedian is usually the smartest guy in the room, you can be sure that he/she is also the most insecure and socially inadequate. Mitch was no different.

But, hey, cheer up! We’ve still got “Mitch All Together.” This is the quintessential Mitch collection. It’s what the “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack is to disco. It’s not new, but part of my goal here is to help you build a library of standup comedy, so that you spend your money where it will bring you the most enjoyment. This package contains a CD plus the DVD of Mitch’s Premium Blend spot, and, now this is the important part, both the cut and the uncut versions of his Comedy Central Special.

A comedian friend of mine once said you can make all your jokes funnier if you just say them like Mitch Hedberg. Mitch’s stoner/slacker delivery and vocal quality were perfect. His long hair hanging over those dark oversized sunglasses reminds you of either your youth or the movie “Dazed and Confused,” depending on your age. If your high school had a smoking area or you know that Cheech used to have a Chong, you totally feel me right now.

But, don’t think for one second that Mitch’s talent begins and ends with his persona. No, my friend, Mitch Hedberg was a genius. Now, I know that nowadays people like to throw words like “genius” and “Nazi” and “freedom” around like they don’t actually mean anything. But, believe me; I do not use that word lightly. I never bullshit about comedy. I take it way too seriously.

Mitch has most often been compared to Steven Wright. It is a fair comparison. Both do short jokes, lots of one-liners, and rarely do personal material. And yet, you feel like you get a sense of who they really are from their skewed views of the world. As far as style, Mitch is like a slower, stoneder Steven Wright (that’s right, stoneder; it’s poetic license). You probably didn’t think that was even possible. If Steven Wright were pot, Mitch Hedberg would be acid, and a lot of it. Sometimes, Mitch stops short, saying all that needs to be said on a subject-he’s in and out. Sometimes he takes his weird thoughts a step further, not really due to confidence in those ideas, but almost out of a compulsion to finish the thought.

Mitch does not believe in confining his jokes to fit one style. He can deliver a one-liner that would make the old Catskills comics proud and then seemingly drift into a stoner monologue a la Lenny Bruce in which he takes 5 minutes to tell one joke. The following Mitch Hedberg jokes read great on paper, but if you haven’t seen Mitch’s delivery, you are missing a big part of his genius. Do a bong hit and read these jokes out loud, really, really slowly.

• This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means…it's dirty.

• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

• I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the file cabinet...under D...for doughnut.

• I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

• I was gonna get a candy bar, and the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, and pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out man. Because they had a HH button for Christ's sakes, you need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA, BB, CCs. God God dammit dammit.

I have a lending library in my standup comedy classes in which I allow my students to check out CDs and DVDs of dozens of comedians to see different comedy styles, unless that is illegal in which case I have no idea what you are talking about. Anyway, my top two recommendations (allegedly) are the documentary “Jerry Seinfeld: Comedian” and the “Mitch All Together” collection. You can learn more about comedy from those two selections than from watching all the rest combined.

Here’s why, regarding Mitch. First of all, you get to experience Mitch in all of these different situations over a period of time. On the CD, he seems way more confident than usual. It was recorded in a comedy club in his home state of Minnesota in 2003, and he is really in his element. The Premium Blend spot from 1998 is one of his earliest TV appearances, and he looks young and energetic, albeit nervous, sans glasses. Rumor has it that Mitch suffered from terrible stage fright, which does not surprise me in the least. The Comedy Central special was filmed at The Palace in Hollywood in 1999, and it is from that set that much of the wisdom is gleaned. I recommend that you watch the DVD sets in chronological order. First, watch the Premium Blend spot. Then watch the uncut version of his Comedy Central special and, finally, the version that actually aired on Comedy Central. The difference between the two versions is significant and Mitch’s behavior in the uncut version points to his demons and can show a new comedian or an interested comedy fan how a comic’s own insecurities can be his demise.

Standup comedy is a relationship between the comic and the audience, but the comic has to be in charge. The comic cues the audience what to feel or think and how to react and when. The comic tells the story and the audience buys it or doesn’t buy it. In the uncut version of his special, Mitch goes out and immediately asks how many people in the audience actually know who he is. When only a few people clap, he basically says that this is not going to go well. The audience believes him. He tells one brilliant joke after another to a lukewarm response. He keeps pointing out that, in fact, it’s not going well, calling it the “not so-special.” He said he was getting a “what the fuck is up with this guy” vibe from the audience. At one point he sits down on the stage, frustrated.

After a while on stage, Mitch finally seems to loosen up and so does the audience. He starts to get laughs and he relaxes, then he gets even more laughs and relaxes even more. He begins to groove with the flow, and announces “Cool, y’all like me now; my special starts right now.” Everything he said after that killed. He told the audience they liked him and they believed him, so they started acting like it. He was telling the story. They were doing what they were told. By the end of the special, he was having fun and getting huge laughs.

When you watch the cut version that actually aired on Comedy Central, it’s a totally different show. Clearly, laugh tracks and editing are a comic’s best friends. When Mitch bombed, it was either pumped up or cut out. A lot of the jokes that were used in the special came after his announcement that “y’all like me now.” His frustrated collapse on the stage looks like a casual chilling by a laid back hippie comic. The editor was kind to Mitch.

But, the uncut version speaks volumes about Mitch, the person behind the persona. He was nervous, self-deprecating, vulnerable, and needy. He had reached a point in his career (having a Comedy Central special) that basically meant he was somebody and yet he clearly felt like nobody. While I see this side of comedians as often or more than the “wacky” side, I know that most lay people don’t usually get those kinds of glimpses into the pain behind the genius. I’m not trying to be all Harlequin Romance about it, but it’s an interesting dichotomy worth pointing out.

Steven Wright is not the only person Mitch Hedberg is often compared to. The other is Kurt Cobain. Whether it’s the painful inability to deal with fame, the (alleged) heroin addiction, or the need for an immediate shampoo, the two icons did have similarities. Rock stars and comedians share a similar self-destructive streak. Like Kurt, we have heard all we will ever hear out of the genius that was Mitch Hedberg. You have to wonder what else was in that head that we didn’t get to hear. But, like Andy Kaufman, Janis Joplin, Bill Hicks, and Jimmy Hendrix, he is forever young to us. Mitch said he was in a band once. He said, “People either loved us or hated us…or thought we were ok.” We loved you Mitch.

DVD Review: Eddie Murphy - Delirious

2007-08-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

“Ice cream man! Ice cream man!” After 24 years, Delirious is finally available on DVD. Say what you will about Norbit, Eddie Murphy gets mad props as a stand-up comic. Twenty two freakin’ years old in that famous head-to-toe, unzipped to the navel, red leather jumpsuit and gold medallion on a bare (hairless) chest, Eddie Murphy rocks Washington D.C.’s packed Constitution Hall looking like Elvis in the Comeback Tour but not coming back, coming into his own. Known for Saturday Night Live, people didn’t see Eddie as a stand-up in 1983. But he’d been doing comedy since he was 15 years old, doing impressions and telling jokes in local bars in Long Island. No one expected Eddie to give a performance that night that would deliver him the crown passed down from Richard Pryor. Even Richard didn’t see it coming.

Watching Delirious again after all these years, I was transformed listening to the bits that have become such a part of the collective vernacular. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that these people were hearing these classics for the first time ever. “The ice cream man is coming; the ice cream man is coming!” Eddie dances and sings like a child, “You ain’t got no ice cream. You can’t afford it. Cause you are on the welfare. And your father is an alcoholic. ”

I was holding myself laughing at Eddie’s mama throwing her shoe at him like a boomerang. I actually started crying when the Big Footish Aunt Bunnie (goonie goo goo) fell down the stairs. “Oh Lord Jesus Christ help me Lord Jesus please…I’m halfway down…help me Lord Jesus please.” I’ve become so jaded over the years in comedy that I had forgotten what it was like to laugh so hard it literally hurt.

Eddie’s dad gets drunk and starts yelling at everyone at the family barbeque (slurring), “This is my house. I pay the bills in this mother fucker and if you don’t like it you can get the fuck out.” It was like listening to an old song from my youth that transported me back in that exact time and place. It’s like losing your virginity. I’m pretty sure I was wearing white lace fingerless gloves with one big cross earring and tri-colored hair. Everyone knows where they were when they heard Delirious for the first time. Or when Kennedy was shot, I always get those two confused.

When Eddie starts talking about the first Black president dodging bullets during his speeches, at first you think it’s hack. And then you remember, Eddie invented that bit. The same is true for the hysterical Amityville Horror bit:

“Nice house, beautiful neighborhood”.
“Get out!”
“Too bad we can’t stay.”

I’m not saying Eddie Murphy invented black people being afraid of ghosts, but it sure as hell wasn’t hack in 1983. A million comics have ripped off those bits and tons of other Eddie Murphy jokes in the last 24 years. But nobody does it like Eddie.

His impressions of Elvis, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, Desi Arnez, and James Brown were spot-on and his love of and talent for singing were a humorous foreshadow to his current accolades for Dreamgirls. His big grin and now-famous laugh serve to make him so charming that his personality alone might be enough. (And might I add, red leather: not unkind to a nice ass.)

Eddie Murphy is one of my biggest influences as a comic. I was 15 years old in 1983 when Delirious came out and I was profoundly affected by it. I was so moved by Eddie’s ability to take family situations, especially unpleasant ones, and spin them into brilliantly funny stories with complex characters. This material is just as funny now as it was then. I’m reminded of what I saw initially all those years ago. When your material is personal and based on real life events that are universal, people connect with you and respond to you in a much deeper way than if you talk “at” them about airplane food and traffic.

The world has changed a lot in 24 years. Watching this performance again, I’m shocked at some of the topics. AIDS? I don’t remember AIDS being around back then. Eddie Murphy was one of the first comics to talk about it. To say that Delirious is politically incorrect is an understatement. The homophobia that starts the DVD has clearly not stood the test of time. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Ed Norton/Ralph Kramden anal sex joke as much as the next fellow. But, I felt uncomfortable listening to all the overt gay bashing and it put me in mind of a little story about a transvestite hooker. I feel like Eddie missed an opportunity in the DVD bonus interview to set it right. He looks back on Delirious with (of all people) Byron Allen and I was really hoping for, well not an apology for all the homophobia really, but a kind of disclaimer about the context of the time period. But, alas, nothing.

Not a lot of extras to speak of. The deleted scenes were funny, but you can understand why they were deleted. The interview with Byron Allen was cool. In the interview, Eddie also talks about his influences. Richard Pryor was his number one inspiration, as is obvious in his work. Like Richard, Eddie combines a personal story-telling style with rich characters and an enthralling persona in real-life colorful language. He calls Richard Pryor’s In Concert “the best stand-up performance ever captured on video.” Eddie said when people come up to him and compliment Delirious, he says, “Watch Richard’s In Concert. I’m the leaves, Richard’s the roots.” He also is a huge fan of Bill Cosby, calling him “prolific” and “brilliant”, as well as George Carlin. I would have liked Byron to ask Eddie about Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, or Martin Lawrence. It seemed an obvious way to go and I wanted to hear Eddie’s take on them and about Richard Pryor’s illness and death.

Byron asks Eddie if he will ever do stand-up again. Eddie said that every now and then he thinks about doing another special and then remembers that in order to do that he’d have to spend 3-4 nights a week in a comedy club for the next two years. Eddie said stand-up is like being on the front lines of a war. Now that he’s a General, he’s not real anxious to go back to the front lines.

Oh well. We’ll always have Delirious. The best ending was after tearing it up like a mofo in a packed theatre in front of thousands of people, 22 year old comic Eddie Murphy walks off stage, camera following, looks at his crew and says, “What club are we going to?” Any club you want, Eddie. Any club you want.

DVD Review: Roseanne Barr: Blonde and Bitchin'

2007-08-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Roseanne is back and so is her last name. In the interest of full disclosure, I am not only a Roseanne Barr fan, but I think it’s safe to say that she is the reason I got into standup comedy to begin with. Growing up a chubby, little trailer trash girl, I never really saw myself in the comedians of my youth until Roseanne’s first appearance on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Sure, I LOVED standup comedy, but didn’t really believe I could do it until that night. That being said, that is not a guarantee that I would like the Blonde and Bitchin’ DVD, since I also worship George Carlin and haven’t liked a damn thing he’s done in over ten years. But, I’m happy to say that Yes, I liked it.

Blonde and Bitchin’ was filmed in the Comedy Store Main Room in Hollywood, where Roseanne got her first big break. This room holds about 300 people, and I like the intimate feeling of a comedy DVD being filmed in a club versus a stadium. It’s the way comedy is supposed to be. I’ve performed in this room myself, which is irrelevant, but you have no idea how hard it is for me to write an entire review that is not all about ME.

I like Roseanne’s conversational style and the fact that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. Her first words are, “Does my fat ass make my ass look too fat?” And then she calls herself a "has been". Let’s face it; Roseanne is so rich and famous that she could take herself very seriously if she chose to. It’s been a long time since she’s lived in a trailer or been poor or unknown. And yet, she comes across with humility and vulnerability, which if you have read any of my previous writings, you know I feel is very important in standup comedy.

However, you can tell that Roseanne is used to people coming to see HER, and not just going out for comedy in general. If she were not the main attraction, she could easily lose the crowd with her lazy timing and long way around the jokes. In most comedy shows (less in comedy clubs than bars and other venues), it’s a lot like work just to get the audience to shut up, face forward, and pay attention. If you don’t grab the shit out of them with snappy timing and quick punches, they will simply go back to their conversations, pool game, or pinball machine. Especially since the picture on the pinball machine is always some big- breasted hot chick in skimpy clothing. That’s hard to compete with, believe me.

I think that the best comics not only disclose intimate parts of themselves, which Roseanne does (she tells us her weight for God’s sake which I wouldn’t tell you under sodium pentothal), but that they also use the art of standup comedy to process their lives and the world around them, as any artist would do. Roseanne covers a wide range of subjects in this hour of comedy. “This whole century blows,” she says.

She reminisces about her daughter finding her pot stash. She says, “Mommy is old enough and successful enough to have earned the right to be drunk and on drugs and a raving fucking maniac if she chooses,” and I agree! She says she is sick of her kids complaining that she was never around when they were growing up. “Can you imagine how fucked up your lives would be if I had taken an interest in them?” Regarding getting older she complains, “I’m wet where I’m supposed to be dry and dry where I’m supposed to be wet.”

She also looks at the world. “I hate the president. I hate the president. I hate the president. Is it still legal to say that? Who cares if our kids can read if our military is number one?” she asks sarcastically. “The world is our bitch and we are going to bust a cap in her ass!” Roseanne is political without necessarily talking politics, and then she comes at politics straight on. “How did they get working people to vote Republican? That’s like getting chickens to vote for Colonel Sanders.” She also addresses religion, saying that she once called Pat Robertson the anti-Christ, but then she was sued by the anti-Christ anti-defamation league.

There are a few things on Blonde and Bitchin’ that I wasn’t crazy about. At one point, she reads cards that have written on them questions that may or may not have actually been asked by the audience. Although her answers are very funny, as a standup purist I hate the use of any props and I feel that this disrupts the flow of the jokes. I would have rather seen just 45 minutes of pure standup, than an hour that contained props.

At the end, she dances around in nothing but a leotard and then sings. The first time I saw this, I flat-out hated it. But, after watching the DVD again, I understand it a little better. She says that her two biggest fears are being seen in her underwear and singing in public. I believe that a comic’s job is to face fears and personal tragedy before a crowd. In fact, I tell my comedy students to go home and write a joke about the most painful embarrassing thing that they would die if anyone in the world ever found out and then to go on stage and tell 200 people. If we can make fun of it, we can transcend it, and maybe we can help the audience face something that has been owning them, as well.

All and all, I would definitely recommend that you check out Blonde and Bitchin’. I think it is a very funny, earnest piece of quality workmanship that will remind you why we all love standup comedy to begin with. And why we all loved the Roseanne show. Roseanne is us; she is Everyman. Sure, now she’s a famous multi-millionaire that lives in a big mansion in Brentwood. But, even if it’s not true, you can somehow believe that she still cleans her own toilet. And that is comforting.

DVD Review : Tom Simmons - Stand Up Underground

2007-08-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

I thought it was about time I reviewed a comedian you’ve never heard of. Seriously, all the shiny, famous people are cool. But, I say, ‘let’s go underground.’ Let’s find the garage band comics only the cool kids are into. Let’s help a talented unknown sell out. What do you say?

I’m picking comedian Tom Simmons because I used to work with him a lot, years ago, on the East Coast and always really dug his act. I hadn’t seen him perform standup in the 10 years since I gave up the road and moved to La La Land. So, I had no idea what to expect when I popped “Stand Up Underground” into my DVD player (or rather, my husband did; I haven’t figured out how to work that damn thing yet).

Jerry Seinfeld said that if you can’t plant two feet on a stage and talk for an hour, keeping the audience engaged and entertained with just your words, you are not a standup comedian. Tom Simmons is a standup comedian in the purest sense of that definition. There are no incredibly expensive, high-tech effects behind this DVD. There’s no editing down to just the best jokes. The cutting room floor is bare. This is hard core comic-in-love-with-the-craft-and-working-it-on-stage-for-an-hour
-in-a-real-live-club-while-no-one-is-looking comedy.

Tom Simmons isn’t exactly a nobody. With credits like Comedy Central, Showtime, and BET (I think he might set a record for most appearances by a white boy), he’s been rubbing up against comedy’s glass ceiling for a while now. Tom says, “My wife thought I was going to be a big star. She didn’t know I was going to be a comedian.” He’s seems more comfortable to stay where he is than to dumb it down, be less controversial, sell his soul to the standup devil. Although I personally tried that once and it got me nowhere. Hello! Who do you have to…never mind.

At first glance, you might think Tom is new to comedy. He’s so fresh and excited about sharing his ideas with you. His thoughts bubble out of him like your college roommate’s first acid trip when she was describing every single little thought that came to her head (ok, so I’m talking about myself, whatever). It’s almost easy to confuse his love of comedy with newness because we don’t see it very often on the old pros, who often phone it in (me again). But, oh no, Tom Simmons is no newbie. Look closer. His delivery is so smooth, so spot on. His timing, perfect. He would never take a sip of water just because he’s thirsty. Every move is calculated. Every pause savored.

It is obvious that Tom has been on the road for years. He handles the crowd at Goodnights Comedy Club in Raleigh, NC, like they were putty. He feeds them ideas they don’t agree with and they cheer him for it. They don’t even know they have been tricked. Tom has a style, I would assume he developed from years of working conservative crowds (particularly in the South, like his native Atlanta), that allows him to say the most liberal things and slip it under the radar. He will begin with a premise that is controversial (i.e. immigration, abortion, gay marriage). He will say something very conservative (the average point of view of his audience), then he will follow-up with a very liberal statement that sounds like part of the same idea! It’s a sort of joke anti-brainwashing technique that just might reverse the years of the Bush Administration’s stranglehold on dumb people. Sorry. I don’t know where that came from.

He said, “I liked George Bush when he was the Governor of Texas…” (everyone applauds) “…cause I don’t live in Texas.” “George Bush is going to rid the world of evil.” (crowd goes crazy) “A lot of people have tried to rid the world of evil in the past. Let’s see. Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi…good thing we’ve got W on the case!” He said that in North Carolina. He could have been Dixie-Chicked!

He manages to get rednecks to listen to his thoughts on the war between Israel and Palestine and not one Pabst Blue Ribbon is hurled onto the stage. As a former road comic in the South, I can tell you, he ought to win the God-damned Nobel Peace Price for that. Jimmy Carter ain’t got nothing on Tom Simmons! He says when he is losing a fight with his wife, he simply tells her, “I’m sorry. I don’t recognize your right to exist.”

Not all of Tom’s material is political. That’s how he gets you. Before he ever says one word about gay marriage and abortion, he’s already won you over with those boy-next-door good looks, subtle Southern accent, and charming stories about his beautiful wife and brand new baby with all the insight and intelligence and plain ole gut-busting punch lines that he later smacks around George Bush with. He’s the common man (you know, if the common man were hot). He has a Brian Regan quality to him (you know, if Brian Regan said f@#% every now and then). He talks about losing money whenever he performs in Vegas. “They have $100 slot machines in Vegas. If you are playing $100 slots, f@#% you! You already won. You’re just rubbing it in.”

Tom eases in and out of different material as if it were the same subject. He can go from talking about fatherhood and living in an RV on the road with his family to pop tarts without any awkwardness at all. “Saw on the pop tarts box that they have a website, poptarts.com...if you are going to the pop tarts chat room, you have outlived your usefulness as a human being and we should start harvesting your organs. Hand over your pancreas. We need to rebuild Stephen Hawking.” He said he saw a commercial when he was high that said, “If you buy drugs, you support terrorism.” He said, “Then legalize them, and I’ll support healthcare and education!” Tom talks about his new baby. He said he went to Iraq to do comedy so he could get some sleep. “The reason why they are so cute is so you don’t throw them in a dumpster at three in the morning.”

This DVD also contains cutaways to radio interviews, to Tom in candid moments, and begins with a little sketch by Tom. You can tell by watching this that there is no “on” for Tom Simmons. He’s not like comics like Robin Williams who are the same all the time because they are never “off.” Tom is just Tom. He is exactly the same on stage as he is on the radio or talking to his friends. I also listened to his CD “Stages” and there is an open mic track where Tom is trying out some of these jokes for the first time. They sound exactly the same as the final product. What you see is what you get.

That CD has a lot of the same content as the “Stand Up Underground” DVD, but does have a few additional choice jokes that I think make it worth it to pick up both (namely, Satanic Bible, Star Registry, and Pet Psychics plus the Open Mic bonus). You can hear some of his jokes on You Tube. In fact, I was cruising Tom’s website earlier, www.tomsimmons.net, to find out how to buy this DVD (it’s on the site), and he seemed to have a good selection of things to watch, read, and purchase. So, go to Tom’s site and pick up his DVD and/or one of his CDs. When he comes to your town (and he will), go see him. Then, when he blows up you can say you liked him when he was cool.

Poem-The Path

2007-07-31T00:18:00.000-07:00

The first thing I remember wanting to be when I grew up (besides a Charlie’s Angel) was a poet. Then, I think I figured out that you can’t make money that way. I wrote poetry constantly as a child. When I say constantly, I mean constantly. I had a disturbing, abusive childhood complicated by both my and my family’s mental illnesses (especially my mother). I used poetry like I use my joke notebook now. I process life with words on paper. But, where my poetry only wallowed in the pain, my comedy has freed me from it.

I wrote the following poem when I was 16 years old in Ridgeview Institute, a psychiatric facility/rehab in Atlanta where I spent 9 months and attended 11th grade. That was my first of two stays in a psychiatric hospital in my life. This is my favorite poem I have written. I once performed this poem at a spoken word/ poetry slam in Athens, GA, and it was very cathartic and fulfilling. It was also published in my college magazine. Typing the words now, I can barely remember what some of those feelings felt like. But, some of the themes are very much with me today, although perhaps manifested in different ways. And so, I release yet another thing from my head onto this blog. Here is “The Path.”

The Path

I see the path to follow
I’ve always know the way
But something seems to stop me
And make me want to stay

What if I get halfway there
And can’t see my way back?
I don’t know my way forward
So, I’m standing there, just sad

I see the road to happiness
It’s so close yet far away
And every time I take a step
I move back another day

What if I finally make it
And it not what it seemed?
What if it’s not anything
Like everything I’ve dreamed?

Where do I go then
Disappointed and afraid?
And what if it means nothing
All the progress that I’ve made?

I’ve just spun my wheels
And gotten almost nowhere
How long does it have to be
Before I know I’m somewhere?

Feet-they kick me forward
Hands-they drag me in
Which one is the enemy?
Which one is a friend?

Who is here to hurt me?
Who can see me through?
Who am I to trust?
Tell me, can I trust you?

Or does it really matter
Down which road I walk?
I think they’re all in circles
That just may never stop

Rap

2007-07-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

I am a writer and a poet and I love hip hop. So, of course I have tried my hand at writing a rap just for fun and to see if I could do it. I wrote this rap years ago, and if I don’t post it here it will never see the light of day, so here goes. I actually kinda like it.

I did the 9 to 5 every day, don’t ya know
I had more problems on the job than my man Serpico
I said, “Hey hey hey, yo I can’t stay!”
To the pink Cadillac that I got from Mary Kay

I put the stick in D and I drove out the lot
Did I get another job? No, I think not!
Got rhymes in my head
Get me juiced, got my psyched
So I had to step up and take hold the mic

I ain’t ya everyday chick
I ain’t the girl next door
I ain’t trying to be a man
Yo I’m all woman hear me roar

A real live lady
Got style got class
But if ya try to cop a feel
I’m gonna knock you on your ass

I’m a riot girrl
We don’t play that shit
You’re coming off like Ozzy
I ain’t Harriet

I’m a strong woman
As Luscious Jackson said
It takes a strong man
To sleep in my bed

I don’t take no shit like Tura Satana
Faster Pussycat! Kill Bananarama
I’m a Switchblade Sister
And I hit like a hammer

So don’t try to talk shit and try to play me all the while
Cause this ain’t going down like Love American Style
The scene is getting tense
So don’t touch that dial

Same bat time, same bad lines
You’re full of shit like all the other guys
You live you life like it was Lord of the Flies
I’m sick of your lies

I’m your friend and your equal
Your partner and your lover
What I won’t be is your maid
I’m a Goddess not your mother!

The Bobbie & Sally Show!

2007-07-22T01:27:00.000-07:00

StandUp and Blog!

New Potluck

Spring Potluck

New Potluck

No Joke

New Potluck

I Worship Comedy

New Potluck

This must be what Hope feels like

The Skinny

Help! I don’t have a penis!

Don't Panic!

What I Believe

Republican VP pick Sarah Palin has spoken. Now it’s clear that on both sides there are young, charismatic newcomers and really old experienced white guys. We’re even. But are we? Now it’s time to figure out who supports what you believe.

What I believe…

I believe in choice. A woman should have the right to decide if she wants/needs to have an abortion.

I believe in gay rights, including marriage.

I believe in science, including Evolution, stem-cell research, sex education, and photo-synthesis.

I believe that torture is wrong, no matter who does it, or what border they fall behind.

I believe in Universal Healthcare.

I believe in the separation of Church and State.

I believe that we are all one people with the same rights, even if we are considered “illegal.”

I believe that a man who was born poor, raised by a single mother, and earned his way into Harvard is not an elite. But, you can’t make a rich daddy’s boy with bad grades who gets into Yale not elite just by putting a cowboy hat on him.

I believe that taxes should be used for social services, schools, and infrastructure- not war.

I believe people should get tax breaks, not corporations.

I believe that if you don’t know how many houses you have, it’s not surprising you think the economy is fine.

I believe if you really support the troops, you will not deploy them in unjust wars.

I believe that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are not the same guy.

I believe that fundamentalist Christians are just as scary as fundamentalist Muslims.

I believe that pandering to large corporations is strangling this country.

I believe in preserving the environment.

I believe we should not give up our civil liberties out of fear. I am not afraid. “Give me liberty or give me death!”

I believe that lies are getting us nowhere.

I believe that your vote counts the same as mine. Please don’t just listen to sound bites. Do your homework. Find the candidates that support what You believe.

Sarah Palin

Attention Women:

Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton! Yes, she has a vagina. But, she wants to keep the rest of us from using ours. She is staunchly pro-life (unless you are a polar bear). She is against everything Hillary has fought for her entire life!

Pot O' Jokes

Tuesday's Earthquake

Family Potluck

Obama

Potluck of the Week

I Blog, Therefore I Am

Found Joke

Potuck of the Week

Cougaring

Why Men Are Better Than Boys

Fake Boyfriends

Potluck Jokes

Potluck O' The Week

New Potluck

Funeral Humor

New Potluck

Old Boyfriends

My Mother

I Got An A!

I've been tagged!

I Did It!

Comedy is Queer

Research

Grad School

Amo La Comedia

Bombing

Racism

Religion

Potluck III

Potluck II

Potluck

Politics and Such

The Improv Rocked!

StandUp Academy Showcases

StandUp Academy on the Cover of Pasadena Weekly!

DVD Review: Dane Cook - Vicious Circle

DVD/CD Review: Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together

DVD Review: Eddie Murphy - Delirious

DVD Review: Roseanne Barr: Blonde and Bitchin'

DVD Review : Tom Simmons - Stand Up Underground

Poem-The Path

Rap

The Bobbie & Sally Show!

Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton! Yes, she has a vagina. But, she wants to keep the rest of us from using ours. She is staunchly pro-life (unless you are a polar bear).
She is against everything Hillary has fought for her entire life!